ans99: (khef)








i didn't know what a brute i was.

i dipped my cigarette and rode the bus. Vengeance built me hastily, and i dragged the clanging notion
i was nobody,                                                                                      
                                                                                                                               nobody,
                                                                 
                                                          nobody.

all i had was:
  1. my Invention.
                                  and My Love Invented All of You.

(oh look what thoughts can do what thoughts can do if you're not by now dead and buried you're most certifiably married oh married)
....././/..!!$/*/.,/,/gJFj/*9!!!!!!!!!!?/h/./t/.re77****m***.*,**./7r%%../../*868&&&**^452&(IYuU.-- ,.p[-

I'm sure you're sleeping sound,
with the Mistress of the Hours. The hours that grind your life to dust
///////.../../*%#.^....^^^^^^,,.^^^**#///////r/4/4$$$3/4
/././.k

Your easy loves You keep like pets.
Denied them, You are powerless.
.....whatever keeps you sleeping through the night....

-----------------------------l,,m------ttxtttxttxtxtxxxxxxxt---,,,.-------98---------------------9
*&xxxXXXxxxXxxx/x//x/x/xX(())-


i'm not the man you thought i was.

my love has never lived indoors
i had to drag it home by force
hired hounds at both my wrists
damp and bruised by strangers' kisses on my lips
but.
you're the one that i still miss
you're the one that i still miss
((((And It's Ruthless That It Comes As No Surprise))))

I'm Not the Man You Think I Am.
I'm Not the Man You Think I Am.
I'm Not the Man You Think I Am.
I'm Not the Man You Think I Am.
I"m NOt the Man YOU Think I am
I Am Not hte Man you think I am
I'm not the Man you THink I am
I'm noOT THE Man yOu THink I am

I"m Not the Man YOU thINK I am

I'm not the man You THink. I I am
I'm not the Man you think I am I'M nO T TH em an youathanik I am i 'm not th nalm them man you oTHINK I AM Ii'm nto the man you think I am i'm not not he Man you Think I a'm NO tythe man You THInk I am I'm not ehte man yotyouthink lj;ljklma m ma i 'm not hthdhalntiot th not ontnot no tnot not not notna the man you Think I THINK I THINK ITTHINK THINK  I am. . .. I"m no thoi thnot hthtyou thought yoU li iie I'm mo not  NO TNO NOT NOT NOT

ans99: (drama)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

Suddenly, I found myself without you
One day, someday, you will be alone, too
For now, I see you walking down the street with him
And I will smell your breath on every gust of wind
Why do you do it to me?

The last time I went shopping
I bought your favorite kind of ice cream
It's still sitting in the freezer
It's screaming, "You still need her."
Why do you kiss so softly?

I love to watch you on the stage
You sing about love; you sing about rage
But your song is fading so fast
You didn't write this kiss to last
Why do you do it to me?

I can't help but notice the way you kiss her
It's so much like the way that you sing
You couldn't be any prouder
When you kiss me, kiss a little louder
Why do you kiss so softly?
ans99: (hott)
remember this? this is where i objectify women in a horribly lascivious manner and post other people's portraits of them with abandon (don't worry guys, you get your turn next). anyhoo, here are hot chix #50-26 in the countdown (and for 100-76 and 75-51, click the appropriate links):

offense commence! )
ans99: (geekout)
we bought a new camcorder today to replace our dead optura 50!

well, technically it's used off ebay, so hopefully it will show up with all its parts attached. it's a panasonic gs-400, one of the better prosumer camcorders out there for our price range. it was actually kind of funny (and depressing)-- the original buy it now! price was 900 dollars, but we made a counterbid of 800 dollars, which was automatically accepted. so i guess that means that we could have probably gone lower... argh. everything is so expensive in the tech world, even used tech.

yeah, so expect to have a sorta kickass camcorder shoved in your face next time we meet.

in other news, we had two movie nights with friends in a row. last night we watched tokyo zombie and repo! the genetic opera with mario. leave it to mario to pick the weirdest titles (although i'm not blaming him for repo!, since that was technically my idea). i'm not sure which movie was odder, to be honest, although i will say that anthony stewart head (now and forever known as "tony head" for some reason on whedonesque) was the hottest thing ever in that movie, and his harmonizations with sarah brightman made me glad to be alive. thank you, darren whateveryourlastnamewas, director of saw 3 and 4, for making that special moment happen.

he also bought us ice cream as a belated birthday thing. that is, mario did, not darren wossisname.

tonight we watched happy-go-lucky with anna and anthony, and i was pretty similarly perplexed. i think we all were, honestly? the movie didn't seem to have a plot, and the main character was pretty much a carbon copy of pre-doctor donna noble except her job actually helped people. anna was annoyed with her within about five seconds flat it seemed. but we stuck with it, and we were rewarded with... meh, a non-ending for all intents and purposes. it was still entertaining and i liked the characters quite a bit.

after that we hung around a little while longer and ended up snarking and making up dialogue for a few dollars more, which is just... why did nobody tell me clint eastwood used to be that hot???

also, earlier today we stopped by central park (not the one in nyc, confused non-local readers) for some sort of hula hooping party that was going on. just tons of homemade hoops all over the green, and hippies (who owned the hoops, i'd suppose) wandering around showing people tricks. i've almost learned how to guide the hoop up above my head and back down, and how to shoulder hoop just by watching others get instructed. tomorrow we might go to ace and get the materials to build our own. i am far too excited about this, i know, but hoop dancing just looks so cool. for reference:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juBHmLVYwD0 (lol, the first thing mario said to this was "she should get better taste in music" but i think he was mainly just jealous)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQRkWvMa_Zg (the girl i would marry in a heartbeat)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdm3LJxLxTM (hokay, that's some contortion work too, but still)

tomorrow ken and i are also going to the sspca, and who knows what we'll return with..... ?

finally, still taking feedback on my fauxpro website with drawings and photos mentioned in my previous post... http://ansate.moosheep.org/hieroglyphs/

things i'd particularly love feedback on:
-the directory name (i have been agonizing over this*)
-the functionality (can you find everything ok?)
-the art (do you think it's salable? is it ok to put up sketches of other people's photographs these days? and should the collection that's already up be refined more? i'm looking at you for this one alan)
-the bio (do you think it's too long and whiny?)

*you don't know how tempted i was to call the directory "buysomethinwillya"
ans99: (medikul mystereez)
this weekend our camcorder broke again, and seems completely unfixable. unfortunately it broke during this month, which was supposed to be short-a-week. so that's disappointing, but at least it means we will be getting a newer, better camcorder that does not blow fuses while rewinding tapes (????)

then i kind of broke myself by trying a simple goddamn side vault over a bike rack, getting tripped up, and landing very hard on my left side on concrete. that was sunday, and i'm still in pain-- mostly from my left shoulder to my elbow. it feels like a muscle strain plus something else, and i'm worried there's some tendon pulling or something going on. hopefully no fractures anywhere, but it's a pretty chronic pain and there's not much i can do with the arm. so today i'm off from work because yesterday was Miserable Hell Day and i felt like i wanted to die every time i moved.

on saturday aj brought over tombstone, which i'd never seen. that is a pretty amazingly funny movie. first off, the mustaches are incredible and huge. kurt russell with a mustache will be my lj icon, if i can find some stills from this one particular scene. what i love most about big mustaches is that they end up being an exaggerated mirror of facial expressions, and there is this one part where kurt russell's character was lying down sad, and his mustache was this incredible droop, like a clown's sad face. epic.

john locke was also in this movie, and a yong billy bob thornton and the guy from terminator (easily the hottest bad guy). and val kilmer, whom i'm sort of predisposed to hate after the batman fiasco, but honestly this role (doc holliday) he managed to shine in. throughout the movie the character is dying from tuberculosis, but still manages to spout this hilarious snarky even toned dialogue. when he first came on i had no idea who he was and thought he was the villain, he was so chill. but no, just an incredibly badass good guy. thoroughly entertaining movie.

then we watched some of suzanne vega's videos from the 80's, with her commentary, which is really the only way to watch them because for a few of them you can tell she is so incredibly disappointed in how they turned out. and she'll comment derisively on the clothes and hair, and it's just really cute. makes me wish i'd kept my gloria estefan video collection :(

this weekend ken's parents visited. things seemed to go smoothly enough, and we ate at some pretty fantastic restaurants-- seasons, and that boat hotel in old sac. if i hadn't been in so much pain i would have enjoyed it more. it meant we missed house's season finale though, so avoiding the hotbed of apathetic spoilers until we do see it should be interesting.

the day i got injured, like right after, i rested while going on this used laptop ken refurbished for me (because he is awesome) and ran across [livejournal.com profile] exquisitegeek's post about hula hooping. i hadn't realized what some people are doing with this, and it made me sad i was injured because i wanted to run right out then and buy a hula hoop. perhaps once i heal up.

oh, finally, i have had a twitter since the england trip last fall, but i'm actually starting to spend more time on it. i find it fascinating that a social networking site can turn even vaunted celebrities into ... well... us. and i don't mean "regular joes" like mario suggested-- i mean for all intents and purposes, giggly 20-somethings. i find it adorable. even trent reznor is on there, being all cute with rob sheridan and giving away free tickets to his concerts. brent spiner tells (extremely) short stories. stephen fry posts little audio challenges (guess who this is, guess what these people are saying, etc). neil gaiman and warren ellis just snark. dichen lachman twits while drunk. etc etc etc. although in a way it's a little dismaying, because they generally only interact with each other, it's nice to see them being able to keep up with their colleagues for once, and at the same time generally be able to keep their fans abreast of their doings and thoughts. it must be a really nice time for them, now this tool is available.

but anyway, yeah, i'm ans99 on twitter. add me if you're there!
ans99: (geekout)
YEP this is what happens when you star in a saw movie

also, this is the cutest music video i have ever seen. isaac brock looks like he has gotten fat and content, and i'm so happy for the motherfucker, i really am.
ans99: (hott)
so tonight we rewatched the easter doctor who special (planet of the dead) with mario, and watching it a second time, yes, really brought out all the flaws. god the writing was horrific. that's all i'm going to say about it though, because i know that some people actually care about doctor who spoilers still.

then we watched saw V, and i have to say it's probably the worst one with the best scene.

cut for pansies )

that's the only good thing i really have to say about saw V. they didn't even have a crappy music video in the special features. :( what's with that?
ans99: (hott)
so yeah, i was checking out someone's list of the "2009 hottest women," and i just wasn't impressed at all (first of all, it was February-- who the hell would have a list out that early? and second of all, so many of them were just T & A, or the Next Hot Thing, and it just wasn't indicative of my bizarre taste).

so i decided to make my own, and this is really more of a general list, not year-specific. it's taken me forever to get this damn list together. they're loosely ranked, but it's not like i'm the mom in sophie's choice or anything. there's a lot of reasons i find these women "hot." here's the first 25 (warning: picture-intensive!):

100-76 )

tune in next time when i continue to objectify women, bringing you #75-51! GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS
ans99: (impressed)
green bean is even better than red bean.
ans99: (drama)
i feel strangled by the weight of my desires. because i can't begin to articulate, or you've heard it all before, some stolen words bouncing around my head:

gotta get back to the bottom
the big come down, isn't that what you wanted?
find a place with the failed and forgotten
isn't that really what you wanted now?


Now when some of us hit this world
we hit it with our face
open up our mouths like a bulldozer
and start ripping up the place
but then others of us sneak in sideways
keeping one foot on the floor
bouncing in and out of life like a long bad dream
till we're never really sure
Is this me? is this my life?


is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside a book
small enough to cover with your hand
because everyone around you wants to look

is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside the cracks
the pieces don’t fit together so good
with all the breaking and all the gluing back

and i am still not getting what i want
i want to touch the back of your right arm
i wish you could remind me who i was
because every day i’m a little further off

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

and is it getting harder to pretend
that life goes on without you in the wake
and can you see the means without the end
in the random frantic action that we take

and is it getting easy not to care
despite the many rings around your name
it isn’t funny and it isn’t fair
you’ve traveled all this way and it’s the same

i would tell them anything to see you split the evening
but as you see i do not have an awful lot to tell
everybody’s sick for something that they can find fascinating
everyone but you
and even you aren’t feeling well

YES you are, my love, the astronaut
crashing in the name of science
just my luck they sent your upper half
it’s a very nice reminder
it’s a very nice reminder

(and you may be acquainted with the night
but i have seen the darkness in the day
and you must know it is a terrifying sight
because you and i are living the same way)


(( you've got a way with words
you've got a way that makes me feel so complicated
your message meets the floor
the horizon meets your horse and you're deliberating
i'm only clearing my throat
and don't you ever wish for just one thing you might never see?
don't you ever wish for just one thing you might never know?
you might never know ))

i'll be black as coal
i'll be cold as steel
i'll be all the things
you never wanted to feel

i'll be deepest pit
i'll be biggest fear
i'll be all the things
you never wanted to hear

i'll be far from home
i'll be without light
i'll be all the things
that come out and scare you at night


And I don't know why
It's so hard to consider this
I've reached up so many times
To find my hands full of emptiness
ans99: (hott)
yoinked from [livejournal.com profile] notemily:

These are the rules, which I've just made up:

1. Go to your last.fm page.
2. Go to your Charts page and select "Tracks" and "Last 12 Months."
3. Take your top 12 songs. (or 15, or whatever number you like; I picked 12 because 12 months = 12 songs.)
4. OPTIONAL: If there is more than one track by the same artist on your list, pick only one, and replace the others with songs from further down the list. Repeat until you have 12 unique songs.
5. Post your 2008 mix!

6. i've added links to either full tracks or youtube vids with the full tracks/live versions.


1. Regina Spektor – Fidelity

this really is embarrassing. because this is the song that introduced me to regina spektor, and led me to believe that she couldn't sing. of course then i heard "us" and that opinion was almost instantly changed. so it's kind of fucking hilarious this was the most played song on my computer last year. sorry regina. i love you NOW.

2. Sarah Blasko – The Garden's End

i got into sarah blasko either early 2008 or late 2007, and i can't stop listening to her. i will tell anyone who will listen that she is the female thom yorke. this song in particular is challenging to sing, so i probably put it on a bunch to practice? oh, and the video is really 2 and a half songs live, so the song in question is somewhere in the middle.

3. Fisher – too late (odyssey version)

i don't much go for fisher anymore, but this song is just exquisitely pretty. i keep meaning to make a doctor who vid to it. she did this version specifically for some dudes book, and the site makes you register, but i can guarantee it won't kill you and it's worth the download.

4. Damien Rice – Rootless Tree

[livejournal.com profile] gelosia sent me this. i'm glad she did because this is one of the most beautiful songs i've ever, ever, ever heard in my life. god i love repetitive swearing, and apparently, so does damien rice.

5. Nine Inch Nails – only (aborted mix)

lol. i made this, with ken, for a radio contest we had no chance in hell of winning.

6. Frou Frou – Hear Me Out

what this list is really turning into is the list of songs i'll actually tolerate running through without going to the effort of changing tracks. all i can tell you about this song is that i remember i had it stuck in my head two years ago.

7. Radiohead – Last Flowers

this is nominated for my favorite radiohead song. i remember back long ago when we all speculated what this song sounded like, and how there were some fake mp3s circulating. it was well worth the wait. if you're going to click on one song have it be this one.

8. Muse – Time Is Running Out

there were a bunch of muse songs in here. i really love this one the most consistently out of all of them though. and it's like the regina spektor thing, an embarrassing spectacle where this was the song that both acquainted me with muse and made me think it was asstarded, and now i love it and them to pieces. matt bellamy's exaggerated gasping is still bizarre enough to be made fun of every time i hear it, however.

9. Portishead – It's a Fire

this is a very old favorite. i think i've had this song in circulation as long as i've had livejournal.

10. Tori Amos – Digital Ghost

i don't know if you could tell but i listen to a lot of tori amos. i find myself to be a really bizarre type of fan, in that i came into her music during the boys for pele era, stuck with her through everything and learned to love each album, and find myself especially hooked on her newer stuff. i might be one of the few "old fans" in existence to actually enjoy the beekeeper, but i do. that and american doll posse, which this track is off of, have kept me happy for the past year and i've since neglected that original trilogy of albums that had me hooked. fandom is odd sometimes.

11. Depeche Mode – Suffer Well (Single Version)

oh. um. heh. well, this came off of a fanmix for the master, actually, that i got off someone's lj. it's... i like depeche mode, don't get me wrong, but a lot of their stuff is really over-the-top cliche angst, all polish and precision but some strange greasy polish that you can't get off your hands for days afterwards, and keeps appearing in random places for even longer than that. i can't even listen to their stuff before violator because the songwriting is so hideously embarrassing.

but one thing i've always liked about depeche mode is their painful honesty. this is one of their newer singles, but it reminds me a little of their old stuff. i remember the first time i heard it i thought it started out a little stilted, with all the rhyming. then it hit the chorus, with the wailing "i just hang ooonnnnnnnn," and i totally got it. it's hard to hate a song with such naked emotion in the lyrics.

oh jesus, i've managed to find a tron fanvid to this song. enjoy!

12. Fiona Apple – Oh Well

i really like to sing along to this one, especially the line "what you did to me made me see myself something awful." if you hear it you'll know what i mean.


--

of course as soon as i finish this my charts change. dumb last.fm.
ans99: (hott)
And then, in conjunction with the ball, there's an online auction, to support the Moth. Nine things are up for auction.

One of them is me.

Not literally. I mean, you don't get to keep me.

It's afternoon tea. At The Players Club.
Here's the link to the auction:

Enjoy Afternoon Tea with Neil Gaiman at The Players in Gramercy Park

There's two days to go on the auction -- it ends at Nov. 19, 2008 at 11:59 PM EST. Right now you can get afternoon tea with me for a bid over $350.

I hope whoever wins it is nice.


(from his latest blog entry)
ans99: (drama)
i've been thinking lately that i should start writing about people and heartbreaks and surreal experiences in my life in an attempt to get everything out in the open with myself. drag out the entrails, or scatter the pieces and look for some sort of pattern, perhaps. revisit those moments where i'd stop in the middle and think, "nobody should have to deal with this, not ever." tally up all the crazy blessings in my life that i've taken for granted, forgotten about. missed connections. crossed wires. embarrassing blunders.

it started with me thinking it was time to tell the story of henk once and for all. it's just gotten to ridiculous mythic proportions on both sides, and i just feel like it's time to stop being coy and start providing some details. the whole situation was incredibly lame but it really changed me-- mainly for the worse but also quite a bit for the better. i still can't really figure out the equations employed in making the decisions either of us did, but i know that i can finally be proud of myself for getting through it without delving to the lows that certain others did. the lows i'm not so proud of? i can forgive myself for being an idiot, because when it comes down to it i was the one being severely challenged. it was a test of everything i stood for and believed in, and i was too young and idealistic to have proper perspective. now i do, and they're still assholes. so yeah, i can forgive myself for how i acted.

wow, this is pretty horrible. i said i'd stop with the vagueness but i'm still just not ready i guess.

moving on. the other night i was having one of those "can't sleep, bed partner is strangely uncomfortable" moments and so naturally i started thinking about tedd's chest. i've often described it as a post-thanksgiving dinner turkey. i still don't know why i stayed, and exactly how i left. i suppose in some ways i was desperate for some sort of relationship. but in a way i think i didn't really give it a chance because of the desperation. i wanted to move it too fast. i didn't listen to him, to who he was. once i realized that, it was too late. i couldn't deal with that either, so i cut ties completely.

and then i starting thinking about yoss, ah yes, yoss. another "relationship" i simply cannot explain even now. i miss him so much. i can't think of new york without thinking of him dragging me around showing me all the best things. even regina spektor frequented the sidewalk cafe (albeit after my time), so i simply can't escape. i wish i'd never upped the ante with him, but it was just so painful and confusing that i don't think i could have survived in that state for very long.

and then there's phillippe. and pat. and that guy i hit with the broom. and julie's friend who burned me dido cds. and my white knight. and the guy who impressed me by sharing his entire c drive on the umass network. and will. you know, there are people i dated in college i can barely remember. i was so lost for so long. i need to start remembering.

tonight i was thinking about something i talked over with a close friend a few days ago. he's been all but completely abandoned emotionally by his old friends, and i'm supposed to be a reason for that. when i think of these people though, going throughout their lives with nary a mention of him or even a nod his way... shutting him out of weddings, and visits, and even friendly communication... it just makes me wonder how people like that can justify their actions to themselves. this person that they were friends with for years-- how can they callously just cut him out of their lives and never look back?

of course then i realize i used to do just that. sometimes still do, depending on the offense. but i'm not sure i would ever do it for their reasons.

**

i'm half-watching the omen something-or-other as i'm writing all this. our little would-be antichrist is pretty cute. mainly because he's all angsty and tortured over being the antichrist. it's a little like the first episode of buffy the vampire slayer. only much hotter.

you know, the omen made me afraid of machinery for the longest time.

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ans99

October 2013

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