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Suddenly, I found myself without you
One day, someday, you will be alone, too
For now, I see you walking down the street with him
And I will smell your breath on every gust of wind
Why do you do it to me?

The last time I went shopping
I bought your favorite kind of ice cream
It's still sitting in the freezer
It's screaming, "You still need her."
Why do you kiss so softly?

I love to watch you on the stage
You sing about love; you sing about rage
But your song is fading so fast
You didn't write this kiss to last
Why do you do it to me?

I can't help but notice the way you kiss her
It's so much like the way that you sing
You couldn't be any prouder
When you kiss me, kiss a little louder
Why do you kiss so softly?

nine inch nails- echoplex
i'm safe in here, irrelevant
just like they said
my voice just echoes off these walls

and i just slowly fade away

you will never ever get to me in here

amanda palmer- creep
you're so fucking special.
i wish i was special.
but i'm a creep. i'm a weirdo. what the hell am i doing here?
i don't belong here.

amanda palmer- straight (with strings)
and I'm waiting for someone to shake me and say

hey bitch, don't quit
you're almost dead
don't give up now
make friends instead

kat flint- shadowboxing
Are we dancing or kicking at one another's heels?
Am I leading or reading you wrong?
The gloves are off and my nails are bitten down to the quick
I'm knocked out, my dear
And it's making me sick

tori amos- little amsterdam
but momma-- it wasn't my bullet

don't take me back to the range
i'm just coming out of a cell in my brain
girl, you got to know these days
which side you're on

aimee mann- i cannot get my head around it
I cannot get my head around it, baby
'Cause that's just not the way
You make me feel

leonard cohen- avalanche
When I am on a pedestal,
You did not raise me there.
Your laws do not compel me
To kneel grotesque and bare.
I myself am the pedestal
For this ugly hump at which you stare.

the dresden dolls- dirty business
to all the ones who hated me the most, a toast-
you really had me going for a second,
i was nervous
boy, am i the poster girl
for some suburban sickness!
better keep a healthy distance
now it's up to you, know what to do
it's pretty dirty business

gwen stefani- hollaback girl
let me hear you say this shit is bananas.

nine inch nails- piggy
hey pig, nothing's turning out the way i planned

nothing can stop me now, cause i don't care anymore.

damien rice- rootless tree
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around

bjork- declare independence
declare independence!
don't let them do that to you!

the arctic monkeys- perhaps vampires is a bit strong but...
cause all you people are vampires,
and all your stories are stale.

george michael- freedom '90
But today the way I play the game has got to change
Oh yeah
Now I'm gonna get myself happy

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I stopped the show
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone I forgot to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Don't think that I'll be back again
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

cake- sheep go to heaven
as soon as you're born you start dying, so you might as well have a good time.
sheep go to heaven. goats go to hell.

go to hell.

nobody finds my icon funny, and i find this sad. because i think it's hilarious. however, i am quite used to this paradoxical situation, let me assure you.

my last few weeks were mostly spent working on a robotmedia movie for the showcase this sunday. i'm currently working on getting it up to youtube, but it's 12 minutes and youtube only allows movies up to 10 minutes in length. so i have to split it, and compress two separate files, and it's just an abnormal length of time to have to spend to get something on youtube, for god's sake. when it's up i'll post it in digitalis2. which is another reason to add it to your feed. you really don't want to miss this movie. it actually got... *gasp* a compliment at the showcase. from some guy who said he liked the "character development." no idea what he was talking about, but if you like shaving cream, and keys, and keys covered in shaving cream, and people trying to pick up keys covered in shaving cream, you should definitely watch this movie.

now if that's not a plug then what is?

other than getting the movie ready, watching the movie, and getting a compliment on the movie, we also helped james film something for some pbs doctor who contest. it was pretty fun, if freezing, and afterwards he even bought us pie.

before the showcase on sunday, ken and i went skiing and i determined that sierra at tahoe must be where all the assholes go, because half the people there had some sort of serious attitude problem and were whizzing by not only us, but children crawling in the snow, and not just on the slopes proper, but in the areas between lifts and lodge buildings and such. i saw this one incredible prick of a snowboarder who NEARLY ran into some skier minding his own damn business, looked affronted, got ahead of the skier, made a hockey-type stop almost directly in front of him, kicking up some snow, and once the skier meekly passed, giving him the DOUBLE flip-off. that was some prize piece of work, i have to say. other snowboarders were camped under the ski lifts, throwing snowballs up at people. i gave up after two runs and camped out in this horrible outdoor "tiki room," trying to ignore the bad reggae and watching everyone else try to have a decent time. it started snowing at one point, and that was kind of nice.

after skiing i made ken take me to a restaurant on the way back, because it's secretly my favorite part of trips like this-- sampling the bizarre hole-in-the-wall local cuisine of the forest people. we ended up at some german place, seated next to a photo of some town in austria from the 80's. it had the most horrible composition i'd ever seen, including a lamppost smack in the middle of the scene, as if it were some sort of popup guide in microsoft word ready to take you on a tour through the nicest parts of hell. the food was good, if hearty. god the german potatoes. and their zinfandel was fucking awesome.

halfway through the meal i started trying to figure out what song a snippet of nine inch nails lyric was from, and then also the first line of "mr. self destruct." i drunk-dialed mario, and on the third ring he picked up, but he didn't know the answer to the first question. i even had him google it to no avail.

let me open it to you guys: if i called up going "ok what nine inch nails song is this: 'i've tried everything.... i've tried everything'?" would you know? should i make a voice post and open it up as a contest? i've since figured it out of course.

anyhow, by the time we left i was toasted enough to show up still buzzed at the showcase 1.5 hours later, and buzzed enough at that point to enjoy myself by snarking at everyone else's movie and then laughing hysterically at my own. oh well, luckily showmanship isn't a large part of being an artist because otherwise i'd have to just give up now and go live in a cardboard box.

so the two topics for next showcase are "telemetry" and "mistakes." the only thing i can think of is a fan film of that part in dark tower vii where that rat thing named finli (or something) keeps saying, "telemetry doesn't lie." i think that'd rock.

either that or a spy movie.

i feel strangled by the weight of my desires. because i can't begin to articulate, or you've heard it all before, some stolen words bouncing around my head:

gotta get back to the bottom
the big come down, isn't that what you wanted?
find a place with the failed and forgotten
isn't that really what you wanted now?

Now when some of us hit this world
we hit it with our face
open up our mouths like a bulldozer
and start ripping up the place
but then others of us sneak in sideways
keeping one foot on the floor
bouncing in and out of life like a long bad dream
till we're never really sure
Is this me? is this my life?

is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside a book
small enough to cover with your hand
because everyone around you wants to look

is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside the cracks
the pieces don’t fit together so good
with all the breaking and all the gluing back

and i am still not getting what i want
i want to touch the back of your right arm
i wish you could remind me who i was
because every day i’m a little further off

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

and is it getting harder to pretend
that life goes on without you in the wake
and can you see the means without the end
in the random frantic action that we take

and is it getting easy not to care
despite the many rings around your name
it isn’t funny and it isn’t fair
you’ve traveled all this way and it’s the same

i would tell them anything to see you split the evening
but as you see i do not have an awful lot to tell
everybody’s sick for something that they can find fascinating
everyone but you
and even you aren’t feeling well

YES you are, my love, the astronaut
crashing in the name of science
just my luck they sent your upper half
it’s a very nice reminder
it’s a very nice reminder

(and you may be acquainted with the night
but i have seen the darkness in the day
and you must know it is a terrifying sight
because you and i are living the same way)

(( you've got a way with words
you've got a way that makes me feel so complicated
your message meets the floor
the horizon meets your horse and you're deliberating
i'm only clearing my throat
and don't you ever wish for just one thing you might never see?
don't you ever wish for just one thing you might never know?
you might never know ))

i'll be black as coal
i'll be cold as steel
i'll be all the things
you never wanted to feel

i'll be deepest pit
i'll be biggest fear
i'll be all the things
you never wanted to hear

i'll be far from home
i'll be without light
i'll be all the things
that come out and scare you at night

And I don't know why
It's so hard to consider this
I've reached up so many times
To find my hands full of emptiness

i recently decided my journal needed more latin.