ans99

So I haven't been making any real LJ entries in some time, and I'm not really planning on making any more real LJ entries, because I've determined that only one or two people even seem to notice I've said anything here. And this is not a complaint, merely a notice that only one or two people are even going to read anyway, but I think it's about time I closed this thing up.

And I hate saying this knowing how many years I've been here (since 2001!) and how things were very very different in the past, when I felt more of a connection to so many of you and you know, that I wasn't such a ghost here I guess. When I felt what I said was interesting and mattered. But I haven't felt that way in quite some time. I guess it's the trend of the internet, or maybe I wasn't very good at keeping up with any of you, or I don't even know. It's not even so much that I feel I haven't been interesting-- this year I've produced some of the most interesting stuff of my life. I have a band now, and an album, and I'm starting to put a business together to sell my drawings and photographs, and those things are HUGE to me. Maybe not to you.

I have other journals, mainly for RP and fic, so I'm not leaving LJ forever. And I do want to keep some people here on my list so that I can keep up with your lives because as far as I know you aren't anywhere else with any regularity. So I guess not much is even changing. But if you're hanging on to my name in your friends list there's really no reason to pretend anymore. I give up. If you still want me to read your entries keep me on, but I won't be making any more and I'll probably be dropping a fair amount off my own reading list, because it's been at the point I can't keep up for several years now. And I don't think it's fair keeping up with some of you when my comments and posts go ignored. *shrug*

I don't like leaving on such a bitter, nothing note, but I feel sort of bitter and nothing today so I suppose it fits.

In closing, just so at least this entry can't be ignored:

GOODBYE LIVEJOURNAL!

Heh. Nobody ever said I wasn't a complete child.

okay, here's something that's been bothering me a little.

you know, i've been trying lately to comment on your entries when i'm on that line of "should i say anything or should i just let it go?" sometimes i don't really have time to read your entries, or find them ... same old same old but if it is something important to you i feel an obligation, as someone who genuinely likes and cares about you, to read and if appropriate respond.

unfortunately this experiment has for the most part gone nowhere. it's to the point now where i am basically typing to a vacuum. at least that is the perspective from over here. so.

although some of you clamored for me to get back on lj i see little point in bothering to update here. if nobody reads it, what's the point, right? i might as well go back to the blog i was absolutely sure nobody would see, or go private only, and then i can write about the things that i censor here pretty much for the benefit of the handful of you i interact with.

you don't get to tell me, by the way, that it's something to do with shipping twitter, or writing too much, or not enough, or my posts being too short, or ugly, or long, or "intimidating." because you know what? your posts aren't exactly the new york times all the time either. because you know what? i ship them here so that you can read what i write other places. if that doesn't interest you, then ultimately i guess what i have to say doesn't either. because these are also things that i am saying. if you don't like the way i say things, or present myself, or think, then you probably don't like me either. so why keep pretending? even when i post art so few of you respond it makes me want to pick up a career as a grocery bagger and just give up on everything, because if that doesn't even move you... that's a piece of me.

besides, you give me enough qualifiers, i'm not going to hit upon the correct subject, or number of goddamn lines, or appearance of the posts, to entice you to be interested in what i have to say. it's pathetic, it's demeaning, it's not worth my time to keep trying to do so. if i were trying to sell you something it'd be a different story. i'm just trying to connect.

what i'm going to start doing i guess is reciprocating. and then we can all not read each other's posts and lj will implode due to self-induced irrelevance.

i have to say there is no blame here, no guilt-tripping. i go weeks without saying a word to anyone sometimes. but i'm noticing a trend. and i will happily do less work if the work doesn't even... produce any results.

none of you should feel obligated to be my friend, or even be friendly, to me, obviously. but i suppose if you don't, then you don't, and if you won't, then you won't, and i will consider you gone.*

*thanks ben folds