because of my (apparently) impossibly high standards, need for constant attention, and lack of ability to find longterm satisfaction, i will never be truly happy.
also, all the impossible-to-believe human-human shit always happens to me. i have no idea what kind of die throw i made when i was born to end up with this but it's always been true. bizarre fuckups follow me around like little schools of fish.
the only way i could ever top this incredibly retarded life would be to go out and buy some riot gas and rubber bullets, put on a gimp mask, and go randomly punish some random group of snots. FOR EXISTING.
But I bet you've never given yourself thumb herpes, the way I have.
More seriously, you're still too vague for me to adequately respond to, except for one part. I believe you that your life is awful and ridiculous, I won't make the patronizing mistake of trying to talk you out of that. But no one can honestly say "I will never be happy." Life is too big for that.
Don't do anything involving bullets, please. Imagine me trying to explain to reporters that I know you as the person who asked me to draw a picture of Freddy Krueger eating a pint of ice cream. But finally, please do e-mail me at my LJ address if you'd like to talk about anything. I know what it's like to feel like ass and I'd like to help if I can.
crap, i just realized lj was denying me your comments! uh. .....well, i didn't do anything involving bullets. ;) not even rubber ones.
we should draw those pictures for each other. i totally didn't do any of them and that makes me feel slightly lame.
the reasoning behind my inability to be happy is pretty damn sound though, that's the depressing bit. it's not like i have the sort of outlook of "my life will never be good." no, no. life can be good all it wants, it's not going to make my brain agree. :P
Let's do them this weekend, deal? And I mean it about writing me.
If life is good and you can't feel it, have you considered medication? It made a world of difference for me. Of course maybe you're already on medication, see how little I know about you?
well, really, i should write you anyway and not just when i feel like whining at you! :)
hmmm, i'll *try* to draw this weekend. it would definitely be a good thing! i was just thinking about those pics i promised, actually, because i just finished up something for some other art exchange and felt guilty :/
i don't think i can do medication. it's come up a lot and i've thought about it, and i don't think it'd make me any happier really. the thing is i CAN feel when life is good, and when it's good it's super-great. but they're few and far between moments, and when life is not good i feel it just as keenly.
so when i talk about being *happy* i'm mostly talking about an overall contentedness with myself, and my doings, and the people who i interact with. and i don't expect to be happy all the time, but i do expect to be generally satisfied. but i don't think there's a single thing in the world, no change i could make, that ever would get me there. logically i can say that life is mostly good, when i weigh things out. but that doesn't help me feel better.
i don't know if this makes any sense, but i don't think it's a deadening of emotion or whatever. it's more akin to too much emotion. and it's hilarious because my therapist has no idea what to make of me.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2009-04-27 11:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-28 12:47 am (UTC)also, all the impossible-to-believe human-human shit always happens to me. i have no idea what kind of die throw i made when i was born to end up with this but it's always been true. bizarre fuckups follow me around like little schools of fish.
the only way i could ever top this incredibly retarded life would be to go out and buy some riot gas and rubber bullets, put on a gimp mask, and go randomly punish some random group of snots. FOR EXISTING.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-28 03:43 am (UTC)More seriously, you're still too vague for me to adequately respond to, except for one part. I believe you that your life is awful and ridiculous, I won't make the patronizing mistake of trying to talk you out of that. But no one can honestly say "I will never be happy." Life is too big for that.
Don't do anything involving bullets, please. Imagine me trying to explain to reporters that I know you as the person who asked me to draw a picture of Freddy Krueger eating a pint of ice cream. But finally, please do e-mail me at my LJ address if you'd like to talk about anything. I know what it's like to feel like ass and I'd like to help if I can.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-02 01:01 am (UTC)we should draw those pictures for each other. i totally didn't do any of them and that makes me feel slightly lame.
the reasoning behind my inability to be happy is pretty damn sound though, that's the depressing bit. it's not like i have the sort of outlook of "my life will never be good." no, no. life can be good all it wants, it's not going to make my brain agree. :P
no subject
Date: 2009-05-02 03:33 am (UTC)If life is good and you can't feel it, have you considered medication? It made a world of difference for me. Of course maybe you're already on medication, see how little I know about you?
no subject
Date: 2009-05-02 09:47 am (UTC)hmmm, i'll *try* to draw this weekend. it would definitely be a good thing! i was just thinking about those pics i promised, actually, because i just finished up something for some other art exchange and felt guilty :/
i don't think i can do medication. it's come up a lot and i've thought about it, and i don't think it'd make me any happier really. the thing is i CAN feel when life is good, and when it's good it's super-great. but they're few and far between moments, and when life is not good i feel it just as keenly.
so when i talk about being *happy* i'm mostly talking about an overall contentedness with myself, and my doings, and the people who i interact with. and i don't expect to be happy all the time, but i do expect to be generally satisfied. but i don't think there's a single thing in the world, no change i could make, that ever would get me there. logically i can say that life is mostly good, when i weigh things out. but that doesn't help me feel better.
i don't know if this makes any sense, but i don't think it's a deadening of emotion or whatever. it's more akin to too much emotion. and it's hilarious because my therapist has no idea what to make of me.