(no subject)

[ans99]

i rather uncharacteristically haven't mentioned it much, but i'm at a pretty low place right now. i've been living off my savings for about three months and finding a job around here is apparently impossible. i feel drastically underqualified for everything i apply for, plan to do, want to do, and wish i were doing. i can't even say the solution would be to crawl back to some degree somewhere because i seem to have also picked up an unequivocal distaste for structure at the moment.

i've been trying to throw myself into my art and volunteering and job applications, i try to stay positive, and i have someone else's income to depend on if need be, but i'm not sure how long i can be in limbo like this without cracking.

the feeling has been getting stronger every day that there just is no place for me to exist in this world. i wish i could say i felt otherwise, and that i could quit dwelling on this feeling and set to work carving out a new place with some modicum of productivity, but instead i just sort of feel like i did when i was fifteen: bored and unwilling to get my sluggish limbs to move. in consumption mode instead of creation.

i think it would help if i could just see some direction. it's like i'm stuck on a foggy road in the middle of nowhere and i can't even figure out where i am anymore.

Comments

[eyeteeth.livejournal.com]

Hey, it's depression! My old pal. Sometimes I feel as if every story I tell about myself begins "OK, so, when I was fifteen something happened to me..." You too, huh?

[freyja.livejournal.com]

nothing really happened to me when i was *15* per se, but it's just i'm getting a similar feeling to when i was that age. dependent on others, stuck at home, no money, so naturally i turn to the internet for company and cheap thrills, y'know? i just kind of feel like lately i'm not acting my age, not doing what a near-30-year-old "should" be doing, like for instance my actual hobbies instead of trolling youtube all day.