Mar. 15th, 2011

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So this is really just a test post, to see if my dreamwidth account is properly synced to LJ. I said I wasn't leaving LJ so this is my compromise for now.

--

I think I've finally come to terms with the rain. The mere absence of the sun used to depress me beyond belief. And while it still has a tendency to make me more sluggish in the mornings and oversleep an atrocious amount, there's something so damned comforting about it. The world quietens, slows down, and life becomes about self-nurture. Right now I'm decompressing from a therapy session, listening to good music and contemplating my next task.

Without music I think I'd be lost. Not just because it's my current career choice, but because it soothes me, galvanizes me, and makes the world manageable. Even beautiful, sometimes. There was an article I reblogged in Tumblr a few days ago theorizing that some people get a prolactin rush when listening to 'sad' songs, for instance anything in a minor key. The feeling is supposed to be one of comfort, as if someone had their arms around you and was whispering to you that everything would be all right. I've never had anyone so accurately describe what happens in my brain before. It's like music itself takes me to its bosom and just... holds me there. Like when you learn how to float in water as a child and you realize you won't sink like a stone but it's going to actually hold you up. Something about that release is absolutely necessary. You're surrendering yourself to a connection with something much larger.

I feel a little bad for people who don't get this rush and only feel the pain of sad music. I wish I could explain to them that it's all going to be all right. Sometimes when people come up to me after a show and tell me that I've inspired them, I feel like I have sort of done that. It's my number one goal, even beyond all the ambitions of success and popularity and moneymaking. Just to know that what I did mattered to someone.

Forgive me for being so... urgh, I dunno, earthy and flowery or whatever. I'm just lately in a pretty good mood, thanks to my cave-in about anti-depressants. It's amazing the good one little pill every day can do, and I never imagined that I could recover quite this much. The high hasn't worn off all the way yet. I'm sure it will, though, never fear: people are already becoming much more annoying.

I've also been delving into my childhood a little and thinking about nurturing in general, the gentleness and emotional acknowledgment I never really received as a kid. Sometimes it's so hard to reconcile all of it, and the last few months have been a proper convalescing period for me. But I think I'm finally coming around to the idea that I need people, at least every once in a while. Annoying as they can be. And I shouldn't feel wretched about asking for or receiving support. I can maintain emotional independence even while socially or financially dependent. That's a big step for me.

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October 2013

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