ans99 | (no subject)

i rather uncharacteristically haven't mentioned it much, but i'm at a pretty low place right now. i've been living off my savings for about three months and finding a job around here is apparently impossible. i feel drastically underqualified for everything i apply for, plan to do, want to do, and wish i were doing. i can't even say the solution would be to crawl back to some degree somewhere because i seem to have also picked up an unequivocal distaste for structure at the moment.

i've been trying to throw myself into my art and volunteering and job applications, i try to stay positive, and i have someone else's income to depend on if need be, but i'm not sure how long i can be in limbo like this without cracking.

the feeling has been getting stronger every day that there just is no place for me to exist in this world. i wish i could say i felt otherwise, and that i could quit dwelling on this feeling and set to work carving out a new place with some modicum of productivity, but instead i just sort of feel like i did when i was fifteen: bored and unwilling to get my sluggish limbs to move. in consumption mode instead of creation.

i think it would help if i could just see some direction. it's like i'm stuck on a foggy road in the middle of nowhere and i can't even figure out where i am anymore.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Hey, it's depression! My old pal. Sometimes I feel as if every story I tell about myself begins "OK, so, when I was fifteen something happened to me..." You too, huh?

nothing really happened to me when i was *15* per se, but it's just i'm getting a similar feeling to when i was that age. dependent on others, stuck at home, no money, so naturally i turn to the internet for company and cheap thrills, y'know? i just kind of feel like lately i'm not acting my age, not doing what a near-30-year-old "should" be doing, like for instance my actual hobbies instead of trolling youtube all day.

the feeling has been getting stronger every day that there just is no place for me to exist in this world

:( me too, sometimes i get tired of being "strong" and struggling to stay just above...what's the point, you know? i hope we sort things through this year or soon :)

yeah, you've been having a tougher time too. i do hope this year turns out better for us. :)