ans99: (irreverence)
here's an interesting view of the master's personality from someone who's several times been called one of the, if not "the" best master rpers on lj:

http://savagestime.livejournal.com/44634.html

i find this particular bit very interesting:

emphasis mine )

i know you have no idea what i'm on about but i feel pretty vindicated right now.
ans99: (medikul mystereez)
so at our most recent session i mentioned to my therapist how i'm apparently a social retard, even if i abstractly "get" lots of things, including how people generally work-- i just miss these little cues, say the wrong things, don't anticipate the reactions i get, etc. don't relate to "the common man" or something. she thought that was tragic, since according to her i would probably get a 160 or higher if i ever took an iq test. she has this really... flattering impression of how smart and talented i'm supposed to be, which is nice but constantly makes me feel like a fraud.

the funny thing is that after all that, she's like "oh i know what book you'll like." and she goes to her shelf and hands me something by temple grandin about autism.

i don't know what to think about this. i just keep remembering the episode of house m.d. where he connected with the kid who had autism, and everyone thought maybe house was autistic. until one character (wilson) basically blurted out with "no, you're not autistic. you're just an ass."

sorry peoples, i can't hide behind autism. i'm just an ass.
ans99: (medikul mystereez)
this weekend our camcorder broke again, and seems completely unfixable. unfortunately it broke during this month, which was supposed to be short-a-week. so that's disappointing, but at least it means we will be getting a newer, better camcorder that does not blow fuses while rewinding tapes (????)

then i kind of broke myself by trying a simple goddamn side vault over a bike rack, getting tripped up, and landing very hard on my left side on concrete. that was sunday, and i'm still in pain-- mostly from my left shoulder to my elbow. it feels like a muscle strain plus something else, and i'm worried there's some tendon pulling or something going on. hopefully no fractures anywhere, but it's a pretty chronic pain and there's not much i can do with the arm. so today i'm off from work because yesterday was Miserable Hell Day and i felt like i wanted to die every time i moved.

on saturday aj brought over tombstone, which i'd never seen. that is a pretty amazingly funny movie. first off, the mustaches are incredible and huge. kurt russell with a mustache will be my lj icon, if i can find some stills from this one particular scene. what i love most about big mustaches is that they end up being an exaggerated mirror of facial expressions, and there is this one part where kurt russell's character was lying down sad, and his mustache was this incredible droop, like a clown's sad face. epic.

john locke was also in this movie, and a yong billy bob thornton and the guy from terminator (easily the hottest bad guy). and val kilmer, whom i'm sort of predisposed to hate after the batman fiasco, but honestly this role (doc holliday) he managed to shine in. throughout the movie the character is dying from tuberculosis, but still manages to spout this hilarious snarky even toned dialogue. when he first came on i had no idea who he was and thought he was the villain, he was so chill. but no, just an incredibly badass good guy. thoroughly entertaining movie.

then we watched some of suzanne vega's videos from the 80's, with her commentary, which is really the only way to watch them because for a few of them you can tell she is so incredibly disappointed in how they turned out. and she'll comment derisively on the clothes and hair, and it's just really cute. makes me wish i'd kept my gloria estefan video collection :(

this weekend ken's parents visited. things seemed to go smoothly enough, and we ate at some pretty fantastic restaurants-- seasons, and that boat hotel in old sac. if i hadn't been in so much pain i would have enjoyed it more. it meant we missed house's season finale though, so avoiding the hotbed of apathetic spoilers until we do see it should be interesting.

the day i got injured, like right after, i rested while going on this used laptop ken refurbished for me (because he is awesome) and ran across [livejournal.com profile] exquisitegeek's post about hula hooping. i hadn't realized what some people are doing with this, and it made me sad i was injured because i wanted to run right out then and buy a hula hoop. perhaps once i heal up.

oh, finally, i have had a twitter since the england trip last fall, but i'm actually starting to spend more time on it. i find it fascinating that a social networking site can turn even vaunted celebrities into ... well... us. and i don't mean "regular joes" like mario suggested-- i mean for all intents and purposes, giggly 20-somethings. i find it adorable. even trent reznor is on there, being all cute with rob sheridan and giving away free tickets to his concerts. brent spiner tells (extremely) short stories. stephen fry posts little audio challenges (guess who this is, guess what these people are saying, etc). neil gaiman and warren ellis just snark. dichen lachman twits while drunk. etc etc etc. although in a way it's a little dismaying, because they generally only interact with each other, it's nice to see them being able to keep up with their colleagues for once, and at the same time generally be able to keep their fans abreast of their doings and thoughts. it must be a really nice time for them, now this tool is available.

but anyway, yeah, i'm ans99 on twitter. add me if you're there!
ans99: (hott)
so tonight we rewatched the easter doctor who special (planet of the dead) with mario, and watching it a second time, yes, really brought out all the flaws. god the writing was horrific. that's all i'm going to say about it though, because i know that some people actually care about doctor who spoilers still.

then we watched saw V, and i have to say it's probably the worst one with the best scene.

cut for pansies )

that's the only good thing i really have to say about saw V. they didn't even have a crappy music video in the special features. :( what's with that?
ans99: (flerpy derpy doo)
several things i've observed in the past few days:

1. nick cave is a total drama queen.

2. i think aaron eckhart looks ten shades sexier in his two-face makeup. also, i'm aware i'm the only one in the universe who thinks that, and that it probably easily lumps me in the "psychologically ill" category, but there you go.

3. peaches is sort of female trent reznor, in heat.

wilson's slowly adapting, i think, to life without house. i'm firmly in the denial stage, however, and i keep expecting him to be there when i open their cage. it's a pretty harsh reality check i keep smacking myself with.
ans99: (khef)
because i'm pretty sure i've done this meme before. oh well. i'm supposed to tag some of you but i think everyone who would have done this has done it. so do it if you want to, i guess.


1. i've been fully cognizant of my bisexuality for a decade and still i have never kissed a girl.

2. generally, i feel more of a rapport with animals than people.

3. i have never been burned by a flame but i have such an intense fear of fire that it's taken me until last year to feel comfortable even lighting a match. conversely, i have been sliced open by numerous metal objects in my lifetime and feel perfectly comfortable around knives.

4. i have not knowingly eaten beef since i did a research paper on mad cow disease during my college days.

5. male suffering really turns me on. sorry guys.

6. for a short time in my youth i took dance and gymnastics classes. i quit gymnastics because i got some sort of pseudo-feminism going on and didn't like feeling like they were trying to get me to contort into a specific body image/feminine ideal-- and that i was failing miserably at it.

7. i'm a chronically late person and have been for as long as i can remember.

8. artistic inspiration is why i inevitably give the world one more chance. it's also why i love teaching. people just come up with the most amazing ideas sometimes, and it's all i can do to wonder why i never thought of them because they're just so obvious and wonderful and brilliant.

9. my high school friends and i used to pretend we were the beatles. i was john.

10. in middle school these same friends and i used to hide out in the art room during lunchtime so we wouldn't have to deal with any of the other students harassing us. i suppose in a way we formed our own reactive clique.

11. the reason i started photographing things was due to my fascination that you could print a memory. because of this i find it almost unbearably difficult to throw any of them away.

12. http://thedreamatists.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/dalis-dream-of-a-virgin.jpg
this is my favorite dali painting. sometimes i like to tell people he painted it for me.

13. some of the best times of my life were spent sneaking away from college for the weekend, taking a bus alone to nyc and spending that weekend with this guy i barely knew. i've never been able to see the city in the same way since, so i've always been disappointed when i've returned there.

14. i have not seen most of my extended family in a Very Long Time. there's no obvious tension, we're all just horrible at correspondence.

15. i was an avid reader as a child-- i mean like, i'd get multiple BOXES of 'em from scholastic. by the time i was in second grade they were giving me "special" spelling tests because the regular ones were too easy for me. i remember quibbling with the teacher over the correct spelling of "moustache" (she insisted it only "mustache" was acceptable until we checked the dictionary together)

16. i'm now a blue belt in kempo karate but i have a ridiculously low pain tolerance so i'm still pretty much useless at defending myself.

17. i worked on a dairy farm for a summer, and so i'm privileged enough to know the unbeatable feeling of a cow crapping on your head.

18. just about every night i have really vivid, horrifyingly fascinating dreams that could easily be horror/sci-fi b-movie plots. as a rule i'm usually left shaken from these dreams for the rest of the day.

19. when i encounter incompetence from the world i automatically want to kill myself.

20. i almost got a gig in high school doing english as a second language instructional audio tapes for i think hispanic students. i got all the way into the studio for recording before they decided i made too many "mouth noises"-- clicks and such like when you open your mouth to start talking and your tongue unsticks from the roof and so on. anyway the guy canned me right then and there. now when i hear all the voice personalities on the radio i go crazy pointing out all the mouth noises i hear. jerks.

21. i check the ceilings wherever i'm eating because i'm paranoid that a bug is going to fall from it and into my food. this is based on a true story from my childhood, where i was at a food court with a friend and a very giant, very dead hornet plummeted from above and landed smack in the middle of our table.

22. i'm so argumentative that i once wrote a five-page appeal for a parking ticket. whether they're still reading it, decided it wasn't worth it, lost my paperwork, decided that if i lost i might come after them with a shotgun, or lost track of me once i moved i'm not sure-- but i never heard from the
parking people again.

23. i have a hard time hiding my true emotions. they're written right across my face at all times, and this has gotten me into trouble time and time again.

24. all of the animals i own right now were laboratory rescues. two of them, my rats, are from my own behavioral experiment.

25. i co-starred in some doctor who fan films written and produced by james a few years ago.
ans99: (hott)
yoinked from [livejournal.com profile] notemily:

These are the rules, which I've just made up:

1. Go to your last.fm page.
2. Go to your Charts page and select "Tracks" and "Last 12 Months."
3. Take your top 12 songs. (or 15, or whatever number you like; I picked 12 because 12 months = 12 songs.)
4. OPTIONAL: If there is more than one track by the same artist on your list, pick only one, and replace the others with songs from further down the list. Repeat until you have 12 unique songs.
5. Post your 2008 mix!

6. i've added links to either full tracks or youtube vids with the full tracks/live versions.


1. Regina Spektor – Fidelity

this really is embarrassing. because this is the song that introduced me to regina spektor, and led me to believe that she couldn't sing. of course then i heard "us" and that opinion was almost instantly changed. so it's kind of fucking hilarious this was the most played song on my computer last year. sorry regina. i love you NOW.

2. Sarah Blasko – The Garden's End

i got into sarah blasko either early 2008 or late 2007, and i can't stop listening to her. i will tell anyone who will listen that she is the female thom yorke. this song in particular is challenging to sing, so i probably put it on a bunch to practice? oh, and the video is really 2 and a half songs live, so the song in question is somewhere in the middle.

3. Fisher – too late (odyssey version)

i don't much go for fisher anymore, but this song is just exquisitely pretty. i keep meaning to make a doctor who vid to it. she did this version specifically for some dudes book, and the site makes you register, but i can guarantee it won't kill you and it's worth the download.

4. Damien Rice – Rootless Tree

[livejournal.com profile] gelosia sent me this. i'm glad she did because this is one of the most beautiful songs i've ever, ever, ever heard in my life. god i love repetitive swearing, and apparently, so does damien rice.

5. Nine Inch Nails – only (aborted mix)

lol. i made this, with ken, for a radio contest we had no chance in hell of winning.

6. Frou Frou – Hear Me Out

what this list is really turning into is the list of songs i'll actually tolerate running through without going to the effort of changing tracks. all i can tell you about this song is that i remember i had it stuck in my head two years ago.

7. Radiohead – Last Flowers

this is nominated for my favorite radiohead song. i remember back long ago when we all speculated what this song sounded like, and how there were some fake mp3s circulating. it was well worth the wait. if you're going to click on one song have it be this one.

8. Muse – Time Is Running Out

there were a bunch of muse songs in here. i really love this one the most consistently out of all of them though. and it's like the regina spektor thing, an embarrassing spectacle where this was the song that both acquainted me with muse and made me think it was asstarded, and now i love it and them to pieces. matt bellamy's exaggerated gasping is still bizarre enough to be made fun of every time i hear it, however.

9. Portishead – It's a Fire

this is a very old favorite. i think i've had this song in circulation as long as i've had livejournal.

10. Tori Amos – Digital Ghost

i don't know if you could tell but i listen to a lot of tori amos. i find myself to be a really bizarre type of fan, in that i came into her music during the boys for pele era, stuck with her through everything and learned to love each album, and find myself especially hooked on her newer stuff. i might be one of the few "old fans" in existence to actually enjoy the beekeeper, but i do. that and american doll posse, which this track is off of, have kept me happy for the past year and i've since neglected that original trilogy of albums that had me hooked. fandom is odd sometimes.

11. Depeche Mode – Suffer Well (Single Version)

oh. um. heh. well, this came off of a fanmix for the master, actually, that i got off someone's lj. it's... i like depeche mode, don't get me wrong, but a lot of their stuff is really over-the-top cliche angst, all polish and precision but some strange greasy polish that you can't get off your hands for days afterwards, and keeps appearing in random places for even longer than that. i can't even listen to their stuff before violator because the songwriting is so hideously embarrassing.

but one thing i've always liked about depeche mode is their painful honesty. this is one of their newer singles, but it reminds me a little of their old stuff. i remember the first time i heard it i thought it started out a little stilted, with all the rhyming. then it hit the chorus, with the wailing "i just hang ooonnnnnnnn," and i totally got it. it's hard to hate a song with such naked emotion in the lyrics.

oh jesus, i've managed to find a tron fanvid to this song. enjoy!

12. Fiona Apple – Oh Well

i really like to sing along to this one, especially the line "what you did to me made me see myself something awful." if you hear it you'll know what i mean.


--

of course as soon as i finish this my charts change. dumb last.fm.
ans99: (drama)
i've been thinking lately that i should start writing about people and heartbreaks and surreal experiences in my life in an attempt to get everything out in the open with myself. drag out the entrails, or scatter the pieces and look for some sort of pattern, perhaps. revisit those moments where i'd stop in the middle and think, "nobody should have to deal with this, not ever." tally up all the crazy blessings in my life that i've taken for granted, forgotten about. missed connections. crossed wires. embarrassing blunders.

it started with me thinking it was time to tell the story of henk once and for all. it's just gotten to ridiculous mythic proportions on both sides, and i just feel like it's time to stop being coy and start providing some details. the whole situation was incredibly lame but it really changed me-- mainly for the worse but also quite a bit for the better. i still can't really figure out the equations employed in making the decisions either of us did, but i know that i can finally be proud of myself for getting through it without delving to the lows that certain others did. the lows i'm not so proud of? i can forgive myself for being an idiot, because when it comes down to it i was the one being severely challenged. it was a test of everything i stood for and believed in, and i was too young and idealistic to have proper perspective. now i do, and they're still assholes. so yeah, i can forgive myself for how i acted.

wow, this is pretty horrible. i said i'd stop with the vagueness but i'm still just not ready i guess.

moving on. the other night i was having one of those "can't sleep, bed partner is strangely uncomfortable" moments and so naturally i started thinking about tedd's chest. i've often described it as a post-thanksgiving dinner turkey. i still don't know why i stayed, and exactly how i left. i suppose in some ways i was desperate for some sort of relationship. but in a way i think i didn't really give it a chance because of the desperation. i wanted to move it too fast. i didn't listen to him, to who he was. once i realized that, it was too late. i couldn't deal with that either, so i cut ties completely.

and then i starting thinking about yoss, ah yes, yoss. another "relationship" i simply cannot explain even now. i miss him so much. i can't think of new york without thinking of him dragging me around showing me all the best things. even regina spektor frequented the sidewalk cafe (albeit after my time), so i simply can't escape. i wish i'd never upped the ante with him, but it was just so painful and confusing that i don't think i could have survived in that state for very long.

and then there's phillippe. and pat. and that guy i hit with the broom. and julie's friend who burned me dido cds. and my white knight. and the guy who impressed me by sharing his entire c drive on the umass network. and will. you know, there are people i dated in college i can barely remember. i was so lost for so long. i need to start remembering.

tonight i was thinking about something i talked over with a close friend a few days ago. he's been all but completely abandoned emotionally by his old friends, and i'm supposed to be a reason for that. when i think of these people though, going throughout their lives with nary a mention of him or even a nod his way... shutting him out of weddings, and visits, and even friendly communication... it just makes me wonder how people like that can justify their actions to themselves. this person that they were friends with for years-- how can they callously just cut him out of their lives and never look back?

of course then i realize i used to do just that. sometimes still do, depending on the offense. but i'm not sure i would ever do it for their reasons.

**

i'm half-watching the omen something-or-other as i'm writing all this. our little would-be antichrist is pretty cute. mainly because he's all angsty and tortured over being the antichrist. it's a little like the first episode of buffy the vampire slayer. only much hotter.

you know, the omen made me afraid of machinery for the longest time.

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October 2013

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