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ah, born of the jackal. sexy.
Oct. 25th, 2008 02:47 ami've been thinking lately that i should start writing about people and heartbreaks and surreal experiences in my life in an attempt to get everything out in the open with myself. drag out the entrails, or scatter the pieces and look for some sort of pattern, perhaps. revisit those moments where i'd stop in the middle and think, "nobody should have to deal with this, not ever." tally up all the crazy blessings in my life that i've taken for granted, forgotten about. missed connections. crossed wires. embarrassing blunders.
it started with me thinking it was time to tell the story of henk once and for all. it's just gotten to ridiculous mythic proportions on both sides, and i just feel like it's time to stop being coy and start providing some details. the whole situation was incredibly lame but it really changed me-- mainly for the worse but also quite a bit for the better. i still can't really figure out the equations employed in making the decisions either of us did, but i know that i can finally be proud of myself for getting through it without delving to the lows that certain others did. the lows i'm not so proud of? i can forgive myself for being an idiot, because when it comes down to it i was the one being severely challenged. it was a test of everything i stood for and believed in, and i was too young and idealistic to have proper perspective. now i do, and they're still assholes. so yeah, i can forgive myself for how i acted.
wow, this is pretty horrible. i said i'd stop with the vagueness but i'm still just not ready i guess.
moving on. the other night i was having one of those "can't sleep, bed partner is strangely uncomfortable" moments and so naturally i started thinking about tedd's chest. i've often described it as a post-thanksgiving dinner turkey. i still don't know why i stayed, and exactly how i left. i suppose in some ways i was desperate for some sort of relationship. but in a way i think i didn't really give it a chance because of the desperation. i wanted to move it too fast. i didn't listen to him, to who he was. once i realized that, it was too late. i couldn't deal with that either, so i cut ties completely.
and then i starting thinking about yoss, ah yes, yoss. another "relationship" i simply cannot explain even now. i miss him so much. i can't think of new york without thinking of him dragging me around showing me all the best things. even regina spektor frequented the sidewalk cafe (albeit after my time), so i simply can't escape. i wish i'd never upped the ante with him, but it was just so painful and confusing that i don't think i could have survived in that state for very long.
and then there's phillippe. and pat. and that guy i hit with the broom. and julie's friend who burned me dido cds. and my white knight. and the guy who impressed me by sharing his entire c drive on the umass network. and will. you know, there are people i dated in college i can barely remember. i was so lost for so long. i need to start remembering.
tonight i was thinking about something i talked over with a close friend a few days ago. he's been all but completely abandoned emotionally by his old friends, and i'm supposed to be a reason for that. when i think of these people though, going throughout their lives with nary a mention of him or even a nod his way... shutting him out of weddings, and visits, and even friendly communication... it just makes me wonder how people like that can justify their actions to themselves. this person that they were friends with for years-- how can they callously just cut him out of their lives and never look back?
of course then i realize i used to do just that. sometimes still do, depending on the offense. but i'm not sure i would ever do it for their reasons.
**
i'm half-watching the omen something-or-other as i'm writing all this. our little would-be antichrist is pretty cute. mainly because he's all angsty and tortured over being the antichrist. it's a little like the first episode of buffy the vampire slayer. only much hotter.
you know, the omen made me afraid of machinery for the longest time.
it started with me thinking it was time to tell the story of henk once and for all. it's just gotten to ridiculous mythic proportions on both sides, and i just feel like it's time to stop being coy and start providing some details. the whole situation was incredibly lame but it really changed me-- mainly for the worse but also quite a bit for the better. i still can't really figure out the equations employed in making the decisions either of us did, but i know that i can finally be proud of myself for getting through it without delving to the lows that certain others did. the lows i'm not so proud of? i can forgive myself for being an idiot, because when it comes down to it i was the one being severely challenged. it was a test of everything i stood for and believed in, and i was too young and idealistic to have proper perspective. now i do, and they're still assholes. so yeah, i can forgive myself for how i acted.
wow, this is pretty horrible. i said i'd stop with the vagueness but i'm still just not ready i guess.
moving on. the other night i was having one of those "can't sleep, bed partner is strangely uncomfortable" moments and so naturally i started thinking about tedd's chest. i've often described it as a post-thanksgiving dinner turkey. i still don't know why i stayed, and exactly how i left. i suppose in some ways i was desperate for some sort of relationship. but in a way i think i didn't really give it a chance because of the desperation. i wanted to move it too fast. i didn't listen to him, to who he was. once i realized that, it was too late. i couldn't deal with that either, so i cut ties completely.
and then i starting thinking about yoss, ah yes, yoss. another "relationship" i simply cannot explain even now. i miss him so much. i can't think of new york without thinking of him dragging me around showing me all the best things. even regina spektor frequented the sidewalk cafe (albeit after my time), so i simply can't escape. i wish i'd never upped the ante with him, but it was just so painful and confusing that i don't think i could have survived in that state for very long.
and then there's phillippe. and pat. and that guy i hit with the broom. and julie's friend who burned me dido cds. and my white knight. and the guy who impressed me by sharing his entire c drive on the umass network. and will. you know, there are people i dated in college i can barely remember. i was so lost for so long. i need to start remembering.
tonight i was thinking about something i talked over with a close friend a few days ago. he's been all but completely abandoned emotionally by his old friends, and i'm supposed to be a reason for that. when i think of these people though, going throughout their lives with nary a mention of him or even a nod his way... shutting him out of weddings, and visits, and even friendly communication... it just makes me wonder how people like that can justify their actions to themselves. this person that they were friends with for years-- how can they callously just cut him out of their lives and never look back?
of course then i realize i used to do just that. sometimes still do, depending on the offense. but i'm not sure i would ever do it for their reasons.
**
i'm half-watching the omen something-or-other as i'm writing all this. our little would-be antichrist is pretty cute. mainly because he's all angsty and tortured over being the antichrist. it's a little like the first episode of buffy the vampire slayer. only much hotter.
you know, the omen made me afraid of machinery for the longest time.
