ans99: (drama)
So I haven't been making any real LJ entries in some time, and I'm not really planning on making any more real LJ entries, because I've determined that only one or two people even seem to notice I've said anything here. And this is not a complaint, merely a notice that only one or two people are even going to read anyway, but I think it's about time I closed this thing up.

And I hate saying this knowing how many years I've been here (since 2001!) and how things were very very different in the past, when I felt more of a connection to so many of you and you know, that I wasn't such a ghost here I guess. When I felt what I said was interesting and mattered. But I haven't felt that way in quite some time. I guess it's the trend of the internet, or maybe I wasn't very good at keeping up with any of you, or I don't even know. It's not even so much that I feel I haven't been interesting-- this year I've produced some of the most interesting stuff of my life. I have a band now, and an album, and I'm starting to put a business together to sell my drawings and photographs, and those things are HUGE to me. Maybe not to you.

I have other journals, mainly for RP and fic, so I'm not leaving LJ forever. And I do want to keep some people here on my list so that I can keep up with your lives because as far as I know you aren't anywhere else with any regularity. So I guess not much is even changing. But if you're hanging on to my name in your friends list there's really no reason to pretend anymore. I give up. If you still want me to read your entries keep me on, but I won't be making any more and I'll probably be dropping a fair amount off my own reading list, because it's been at the point I can't keep up for several years now. And I don't think it's fair keeping up with some of you when my comments and posts go ignored. *shrug*

I don't like leaving on such a bitter, nothing note, but I feel sort of bitter and nothing today so I suppose it fits.

In closing, just so at least this entry can't be ignored:


Heh. Nobody ever said I wasn't a complete child.
ans99: (drama)
In the art world, there is no good or bad. Let me just get that out there right up front. There are people out there who, it's pretty much universally agreed upon, make some amazing things. There are people out there who make some (universally agreed upon) truly awful things, as we have seen on wonderful sites like regretsy.

And then there are people who make some mediocre things, things that don't stand out or that are... halfway decent in some way but lacking in skill or execution. These are the people that either get no recognition for their work, or if they do it's because they've accumulated some measure of social esteem-- in other words, they have friends, and they're well-liked, and it doesn't matter how much their stuff sucks because people just want to like it. And they go on thinking that the stuff they do is okay-- and in the grand scheme it is, yes, but on an artistic or creative scale it is incredibly mediocre and just not valuable.

I am one of those people who does not get much feedback from what I do. And I know that most artists are incredibly down on their own work, never think it's good enough, can never get it to truly reflect its potential and what they saw living in their heads. But sometimes I have to wonder whether *I* am one of those mediocre artists-- bad, but not bad enough to be notorious. Just... bland and sadly lacking.

To be honest, artistically? I feel alone. I don't have a base of friends or cohorts to draw upon when I need feedback or when I have a specific question or problem concerning mechanics of this or that art form, or creative blocks, or any of that. Probably the closest I have is my RPing group, which is likely why I continue to do it. Any real connection art-wise has largely been found there.

After next week I'm taking some time off and trying again to set up something resembling an art career. But I have to tell you, guys, I'm flagging. I'm losing motivation. I need to fix this, and I don't know how. I want to make amazing things, I want to share my ideas with the world-- but nobody's listening. I dunno. Maybe I just have nothing worthwhile to say.
ans99: (drama)
I feel like I haven't updated in a while and I guess I have a lot to say, although none of it is really all that good past about a month ago. So, fair warning that there is a whinefest ahead.

In fact the only really good thing I can think of is that music has been somewhat progressing. Although not the speed I'd prefer. We did an open mic back at the end of March that was .... thrilling. Successful. Everything I wanted from it we got. We networked, we didn't screw up, people loved the song. I had really high hopes.

BUT THEN: The first time I tripped )

So after that I just gave up on the codeine. That's my funny illness story. What's not so funny about that illness is that it took me two weeks to feel halfway normal, and even then I just barely got my singing range back last week. So, no open mics for us since.

The second time I tripped (not as funny) )

Oh but the news gets much worse.

and the consequential fallout )

So now I guess I'm fired from my part-time art teaching job, which I loved, and I feel like this is thinly veiled discrimination. Not sure what to do next. Part of me just wants to say screw it because it's not nearly the only problem going on in my life right now, and everything is slowly spiralling down the drain and I'm almost ready to say seriously that I want off this ride.

I don't even have a therapist anymore guys. Not to mention that the roleplay game I was enjoying so much issued me a reprimand on my birthday because someone apparently has it out for me and made up some bogus complaints that don't even make sense. And now with those three safe havens gone I sort of feel like I have nowhere to go. Doesn't help that I've been going crazier than usual and really need these things much more than I might have at another time. I dunno. Feels like everything is abandoning me the instant I find happiness with it. Maybe the universe just doesn't want me to be happy.

Sorry for the moping, lj but I'm sure the three of you that might read through all this will forgive me :/


Jul. 30th, 2009 07:10 pm
ans99: (art)
I can tell you why it's always the quiet ones.

It's because it's always the quiet ones who've thought since the edge of forever that if they just kept their heads down, didn't make a fuss, stayed silent, bore their beatings from the world without a single complaint or sass-back—that somehow they'd be spared all of this. This purposeful insult and injury that people of the world are so damn good at inflicting upon others without a second thought. The pain of adulthood, of realizing that This is It, and the good times you tried so hard to rush through, hurtling toward what you thought was the light at the end of the tunnel—Freedom, Love, Independence, Acceptance—those times were really the best times, and you squandered them. You thought things would get better once you could decide for yourself? You still aren't deciding for yourself. You're still under the thumb of something much bigger and stronger than you are, and you're still taking orders from Father Capitalism and Mother Media. Fuck that, it's even worse than that. You're still In the Womb. You've exchanged one limited, strangled set of half-assed "freedoms" for another, and nothing has changed other than now you have to actually work your ass off and Pay for the dubious privilege of having them. Meet the new boss, indeed.

It's the quiet ones that finally fucking snap when they come to the realization that their whole life they've been on the wrong plan. The wrong path, the wrong Life. They've set themselves up a road full of disappointment, of mixed messages and crossed signals and shattered hope. They thought they were Playing the Game, but they were really just Opting Out. Because the Future is all Social now. This is a Future where Networking is more important than Skills, where people collect other people, where only the familiar is seen as Refreshingly Creative and Worth Anything. Where if you do not have powerful, connected friends, in this world, if you do not whore yourself out with the fervor of a one-breasted Vegas hooker with thirty kids—you won't even show up as a blip on anyone's radar for longer than ten seconds. This is the Future of the Easily and Often Bored.

Some will change. They'll Act Out. They'll shoot up a school. They'll get Quirky. They'll create Enemies that Never Existed. They'll dabble in the Obscure. They'll find a niche, if they're lucky. But the world is rapidly running out of niches.

Some will find it difficult to change. They'll Go Through the Motions. They'll Escape from the World. They'll take it out on their families. They'll spend day after day in a Soul Sucking Job until everything that made them Them is gone. They'll tell themselves they never wanted to be Famous anyway. They'll say Life is Good. They'll shoot themselves in the face.

Everyone normalizes, in the end.
ans99: (medikul mystereez)
so at our most recent session i mentioned to my therapist how i'm apparently a social retard, even if i abstractly "get" lots of things, including how people generally work-- i just miss these little cues, say the wrong things, don't anticipate the reactions i get, etc. don't relate to "the common man" or something. she thought that was tragic, since according to her i would probably get a 160 or higher if i ever took an iq test. she has this really... flattering impression of how smart and talented i'm supposed to be, which is nice but constantly makes me feel like a fraud.

the funny thing is that after all that, she's like "oh i know what book you'll like." and she goes to her shelf and hands me something by temple grandin about autism.

i don't know what to think about this. i just keep remembering the episode of house m.d. where he connected with the kid who had autism, and everyone thought maybe house was autistic. until one character (wilson) basically blurted out with "no, you're not autistic. you're just an ass."

sorry peoples, i can't hide behind autism. i'm just an ass.
ans99: (hott)
so tonight we rewatched the easter doctor who special (planet of the dead) with mario, and watching it a second time, yes, really brought out all the flaws. god the writing was horrific. that's all i'm going to say about it though, because i know that some people actually care about doctor who spoilers still.

then we watched saw V, and i have to say it's probably the worst one with the best scene.

cut for pansies )

that's the only good thing i really have to say about saw V. they didn't even have a crappy music video in the special features. :( what's with that?
ans99: (Default)
this is about where i'm at mentally right now writing cover letters. the book could not have come to my attention at a better time.

(#4 is my current favorite)
ans99: (flerpy derpy doo)
several things i've observed in the past few days:

1. nick cave is a total drama queen.

2. i think aaron eckhart looks ten shades sexier in his two-face makeup. also, i'm aware i'm the only one in the universe who thinks that, and that it probably easily lumps me in the "psychologically ill" category, but there you go.

3. peaches is sort of female trent reznor, in heat.

wilson's slowly adapting, i think, to life without house. i'm firmly in the denial stage, however, and i keep expecting him to be there when i open their cage. it's a pretty harsh reality check i keep smacking myself with.
ans99: (drama)
i feel strangled by the weight of my desires. because i can't begin to articulate, or you've heard it all before, some stolen words bouncing around my head:

gotta get back to the bottom
the big come down, isn't that what you wanted?
find a place with the failed and forgotten
isn't that really what you wanted now?

Now when some of us hit this world
we hit it with our face
open up our mouths like a bulldozer
and start ripping up the place
but then others of us sneak in sideways
keeping one foot on the floor
bouncing in and out of life like a long bad dream
till we're never really sure
Is this me? is this my life?

is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside a book
small enough to cover with your hand
because everyone around you wants to look

is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside the cracks
the pieces don’t fit together so good
with all the breaking and all the gluing back

and i am still not getting what i want
i want to touch the back of your right arm
i wish you could remind me who i was
because every day i’m a little further off

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

and is it getting harder to pretend
that life goes on without you in the wake
and can you see the means without the end
in the random frantic action that we take

and is it getting easy not to care
despite the many rings around your name
it isn’t funny and it isn’t fair
you’ve traveled all this way and it’s the same

i would tell them anything to see you split the evening
but as you see i do not have an awful lot to tell
everybody’s sick for something that they can find fascinating
everyone but you
and even you aren’t feeling well

YES you are, my love, the astronaut
crashing in the name of science
just my luck they sent your upper half
it’s a very nice reminder
it’s a very nice reminder

(and you may be acquainted with the night
but i have seen the darkness in the day
and you must know it is a terrifying sight
because you and i are living the same way)

(( you've got a way with words
you've got a way that makes me feel so complicated
your message meets the floor
the horizon meets your horse and you're deliberating
i'm only clearing my throat
and don't you ever wish for just one thing you might never see?
don't you ever wish for just one thing you might never know?
you might never know ))

i'll be black as coal
i'll be cold as steel
i'll be all the things
you never wanted to feel

i'll be deepest pit
i'll be biggest fear
i'll be all the things
you never wanted to hear

i'll be far from home
i'll be without light
i'll be all the things
that come out and scare you at night

And I don't know why
It's so hard to consider this
I've reached up so many times
To find my hands full of emptiness
ans99: (whoops)
i took piano lessons from age 9-18, and while living at home my playing apparently became a great source of entertainment for my mother, because every year she without fail asks me to send her cds of this stuff. occasionally i even fulfill her requests. last, last christmas (2007, ok, how would you say it) i made her this collection of covers. although it's not my best work (e.g. you can hear pages turning, the mix is a little bassy, i only gave myself a few weeks to do this, and i sang while i played so both elements are somewhat compromised), i've been letting the mp3s play in rotation on my computer for a few months now and i'm kind of oddly proud of them. so i've put them up in case you cared.

except under unusual circumstances here and there where i just gave up, i believe these songs are one-off recordings. you'd have to ask ken.

winter (tori amos)

feeling good (muse)

bruised (the bens)

doughnut song (tori amos)

wise up (aimee mann)

never is a promise (fiona apple)

i don't know how to let you go (sarah mclachlan)

pretty good year (tori amos)

endlessly (muse)

desperado (the eagles)

christmastime is here (vince guaraldi)(instrumental)

***if this sort of stuff interests you and you haven't added my artsy feed yet, do it
ans99: (khef)
i rather uncharacteristically haven't mentioned it much, but i'm at a pretty low place right now. i've been living off my savings for about three months and finding a job around here is apparently impossible. i feel drastically underqualified for everything i apply for, plan to do, want to do, and wish i were doing. i can't even say the solution would be to crawl back to some degree somewhere because i seem to have also picked up an unequivocal distaste for structure at the moment.

i've been trying to throw myself into my art and volunteering and job applications, i try to stay positive, and i have someone else's income to depend on if need be, but i'm not sure how long i can be in limbo like this without cracking.

the feeling has been getting stronger every day that there just is no place for me to exist in this world. i wish i could say i felt otherwise, and that i could quit dwelling on this feeling and set to work carving out a new place with some modicum of productivity, but instead i just sort of feel like i did when i was fifteen: bored and unwilling to get my sluggish limbs to move. in consumption mode instead of creation.

i think it would help if i could just see some direction. it's like i'm stuck on a foggy road in the middle of nowhere and i can't even figure out where i am anymore.


ans99: (Default)

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