ans99: (drama)
I feel like I haven't updated in a while and I guess I have a lot to say, although none of it is really all that good past about a month ago. So, fair warning that there is a whinefest ahead.

In fact the only really good thing I can think of is that music has been somewhat progressing. Although not the speed I'd prefer. We did an open mic back at the end of March that was .... thrilling. Successful. Everything I wanted from it we got. We networked, we didn't screw up, people loved the song. I had really high hopes.

BUT THEN: The first time I tripped )

So after that I just gave up on the codeine. That's my funny illness story. What's not so funny about that illness is that it took me two weeks to feel halfway normal, and even then I just barely got my singing range back last week. So, no open mics for us since.

The second time I tripped (not as funny) )

Oh but the news gets much worse.

and the consequential fallout )

So now I guess I'm fired from my part-time art teaching job, which I loved, and I feel like this is thinly veiled discrimination. Not sure what to do next. Part of me just wants to say screw it because it's not nearly the only problem going on in my life right now, and everything is slowly spiralling down the drain and I'm almost ready to say seriously that I want off this ride.

I don't even have a therapist anymore guys. Not to mention that the roleplay game I was enjoying so much issued me a reprimand on my birthday because someone apparently has it out for me and made up some bogus complaints that don't even make sense. And now with those three safe havens gone I sort of feel like I have nowhere to go. Doesn't help that I've been going crazier than usual and really need these things much more than I might have at another time. I dunno. Feels like everything is abandoning me the instant I find happiness with it. Maybe the universe just doesn't want me to be happy.

Sorry for the moping, lj but I'm sure the three of you that might read through all this will forgive me :/
ans99: (drama)
okay, here's something that's been bothering me a little.

you know, i've been trying lately to comment on your entries when i'm on that line of "should i say anything or should i just let it go?" sometimes i don't really have time to read your entries, or find them ... same old same old but if it is something important to you i feel an obligation, as someone who genuinely likes and cares about you, to read and if appropriate respond.

unfortunately this experiment has for the most part gone nowhere. it's to the point now where i am basically typing to a vacuum. at least that is the perspective from over here. so.

although some of you clamored for me to get back on lj i see little point in bothering to update here. if nobody reads it, what's the point, right? i might as well go back to the blog i was absolutely sure nobody would see, or go private only, and then i can write about the things that i censor here pretty much for the benefit of the handful of you i interact with.

you don't get to tell me, by the way, that it's something to do with shipping twitter, or writing too much, or not enough, or my posts being too short, or ugly, or long, or "intimidating." because you know what? your posts aren't exactly the new york times all the time either. because you know what? i ship them here so that you can read what i write other places. if that doesn't interest you, then ultimately i guess what i have to say doesn't either. because these are also things that i am saying. if you don't like the way i say things, or present myself, or think, then you probably don't like me either. so why keep pretending? even when i post art so few of you respond it makes me want to pick up a career as a grocery bagger and just give up on everything, because if that doesn't even move you... that's a piece of me.

besides, you give me enough qualifiers, i'm not going to hit upon the correct subject, or number of goddamn lines, or appearance of the posts, to entice you to be interested in what i have to say. it's pathetic, it's demeaning, it's not worth my time to keep trying to do so. if i were trying to sell you something it'd be a different story. i'm just trying to connect.

what i'm going to start doing i guess is reciprocating. and then we can all not read each other's posts and lj will implode due to self-induced irrelevance.

i have to say there is no blame here, no guilt-tripping. i go weeks without saying a word to anyone sometimes. but i'm noticing a trend. and i will happily do less work if the work doesn't even... produce any results.

none of you should feel obligated to be my friend, or even be friendly, to me, obviously. but i suppose if you don't, then you don't, and if you won't, then you won't, and i will consider you gone.*

*thanks ben folds
ans99: (wtf)
i just found something disturbing....

when i search for "ansate" and "digitalis" together in google guess what my second result is?

wtf? i thought we got to check off a box in livejournal settings that "minimize(d) inclusion in search results" for browsers? so ken checked the following url (which he tells me is my journal's own personal settings for what search engines to allow to spider my journal).

this is what it says:

User-Agent: Mediapartners-Google*

User-Agent: *
Disallow: /

and what that means, fair readers?

google is not disallowed at all. GOOGLE. you know, the only search engine around, effectively.

anyone else think this is an egregious breach of trust? has anyone else noticed this? i think we need to be made aware of this and possibly do something about fixing it. ken thinks it's some oversight, especially since the html in my journal disallows "googlebot" everything. robots.txt is not doing its job!!!

i mean, i realize that online privacy is a myth, but i'd really not like my lj to be my SECOND search result.
ans99: (Default)


i saw a lot of boxes on entries yesterday so please make sure you weren't affected by this.


Jul. 30th, 2009 07:10 pm
ans99: (art)
I can tell you why it's always the quiet ones.

It's because it's always the quiet ones who've thought since the edge of forever that if they just kept their heads down, didn't make a fuss, stayed silent, bore their beatings from the world without a single complaint or sass-back—that somehow they'd be spared all of this. This purposeful insult and injury that people of the world are so damn good at inflicting upon others without a second thought. The pain of adulthood, of realizing that This is It, and the good times you tried so hard to rush through, hurtling toward what you thought was the light at the end of the tunnel—Freedom, Love, Independence, Acceptance—those times were really the best times, and you squandered them. You thought things would get better once you could decide for yourself? You still aren't deciding for yourself. You're still under the thumb of something much bigger and stronger than you are, and you're still taking orders from Father Capitalism and Mother Media. Fuck that, it's even worse than that. You're still In the Womb. You've exchanged one limited, strangled set of half-assed "freedoms" for another, and nothing has changed other than now you have to actually work your ass off and Pay for the dubious privilege of having them. Meet the new boss, indeed.

It's the quiet ones that finally fucking snap when they come to the realization that their whole life they've been on the wrong plan. The wrong path, the wrong Life. They've set themselves up a road full of disappointment, of mixed messages and crossed signals and shattered hope. They thought they were Playing the Game, but they were really just Opting Out. Because the Future is all Social now. This is a Future where Networking is more important than Skills, where people collect other people, where only the familiar is seen as Refreshingly Creative and Worth Anything. Where if you do not have powerful, connected friends, in this world, if you do not whore yourself out with the fervor of a one-breasted Vegas hooker with thirty kids—you won't even show up as a blip on anyone's radar for longer than ten seconds. This is the Future of the Easily and Often Bored.

Some will change. They'll Act Out. They'll shoot up a school. They'll get Quirky. They'll create Enemies that Never Existed. They'll dabble in the Obscure. They'll find a niche, if they're lucky. But the world is rapidly running out of niches.

Some will find it difficult to change. They'll Go Through the Motions. They'll Escape from the World. They'll take it out on their families. They'll spend day after day in a Soul Sucking Job until everything that made them Them is gone. They'll tell themselves they never wanted to be Famous anyway. They'll say Life is Good. They'll shoot themselves in the face.

Everyone normalizes, in the end.


Jul. 1st, 2009 06:58 pm
ans99: (khef)
this is my favorite song off tori's new album (which is, perhaps, surprisingly good-- i keep expecting her to bomb and she never does for me). i highly recommend you give it a listen. it's bringing up all sorts of things for me this week.

ebony beauty
pass this shade
                                                                  ((the looking glass 

then a voice calls me back:
                                        --THIS IS JUST CIRCUMSTANCE.*
                                                 IT IS NOT PERSONAL.**--

((oh no,
it never is.))

then you ram your hand in your bag for a "Little Friendly Substance"

* by the time you're 25 they will say you've gone and blown it.
** by the time you're 35, i must confide, you will have

right on cue, just act surprised when they invite you to take your curtain call  
                                        C HI N A'S
                                     ed            w
                                   mb                a
                                 li                    l
                           you  c                        l

i have done what i've done and it has the "Ultimate Consequence" then a voice calls me back:
                                    --THIS IS NOT BUSINESS. NO.
                                          IT'S MORE LIKE.

is that what it is? Then you ram your hand in your bag for a little Protection * by the time you're 25 they will say you've gone and blown it. ** by the time you're 35 ((i must confide)) you will have blown them all. right on cue just act surprised when they invite you to tttt t tt . ta a a a k kk kkkk kkk k k kkke your "Curtain Call"***
     pass this shade
ans99: (irreverence)
here's an interesting view of the master's personality from someone who's several times been called one of the, if not "the" best master rpers on lj:

i find this particular bit very interesting:

emphasis mine )

i know you have no idea what i'm on about but i feel pretty vindicated right now.
ans99: (medikul mystereez)
i wonder if anyone's ever done a parody of paula abdul's "rush rush" but with the lyrics involving the much-appreciated etiquette of double-flushing.

also, what does the internet think of a dentist office that makes someone wait 45+ minutes for an appointment for fillings at the end of the day (when they are scheduled to actually close in another 15 minutes), before finally saying "i guess we're going to need to reschedule"?

not that that happened to me today or anything.
ans99: (work)
freyja: how about an a capella version of muscle museum
penguin42: oh that would be cool
freyja: nananananananananananannananananananannananaanannananannanananana
penguin42: :-D
freyja: or knowing them it'd be
freyja: bumbumbumbumbumbumbumbum
penguin42: ugh
freyja: MR SANDMAN
freyja: christ get out of the 50s
freyja: your syllables are OUTDATED
penguin42: seriously

this is a pretty accurate version of how i spend my time at work when i'm overtired (note the frequent 'head-down' breaks)

freyja: omgomgomgomgomgomg
penguin42: sup sup sups
freyja: bloodsugar

it's amazing how fans suck up to @benjaminfolds-- his pictures ARE good-- very good! but do you really need to act like every single snapshot he posts is some unique, never-accomplished-before work of pure gold? good grief.
ans99: (medikul mystereez)
so at our most recent session i mentioned to my therapist how i'm apparently a social retard, even if i abstractly "get" lots of things, including how people generally work-- i just miss these little cues, say the wrong things, don't anticipate the reactions i get, etc. don't relate to "the common man" or something. she thought that was tragic, since according to her i would probably get a 160 or higher if i ever took an iq test. she has this really... flattering impression of how smart and talented i'm supposed to be, which is nice but constantly makes me feel like a fraud.

the funny thing is that after all that, she's like "oh i know what book you'll like." and she goes to her shelf and hands me something by temple grandin about autism.

i don't know what to think about this. i just keep remembering the episode of house m.d. where he connected with the kid who had autism, and everyone thought maybe house was autistic. until one character (wilson) basically blurted out with "no, you're not autistic. you're just an ass."

sorry peoples, i can't hide behind autism. i'm just an ass.

mix: LMTFA

May. 18th, 2009 01:42 am
ans99: (drama)
nine inch nails- echoplex
i'm safe in here, irrelevant
just like they said
my voice just echoes off these walls

and i just slowly fade away

you will never ever get to me in here

amanda palmer- creep
you're so fucking special.
i wish i was special.
but i'm a creep. i'm a weirdo. what the hell am i doing here?
i don't belong here.

amanda palmer- straight (with strings)
and I'm waiting for someone to shake me and say

hey bitch, don't quit
you're almost dead
don't give up now
make friends instead

kat flint- shadowboxing
Are we dancing or kicking at one another's heels?
Am I leading or reading you wrong?
The gloves are off and my nails are bitten down to the quick
I'm knocked out, my dear
And it's making me sick

tori amos- little amsterdam
but momma-- it wasn't my bullet

don't take me back to the range
i'm just coming out of a cell in my brain
girl, you got to know these days
which side you're on

aimee mann- i cannot get my head around it
I cannot get my head around it, baby
'Cause that's just not the way
You make me feel

leonard cohen- avalanche
When I am on a pedestal,
You did not raise me there.
Your laws do not compel me
To kneel grotesque and bare.
I myself am the pedestal
For this ugly hump at which you stare.

the dresden dolls- dirty business
to all the ones who hated me the most, a toast-
you really had me going for a second,
i was nervous
boy, am i the poster girl
for some suburban sickness!
better keep a healthy distance
now it's up to you, know what to do
it's pretty dirty business

gwen stefani- hollaback girl
let me hear you say this shit is bananas.

nine inch nails- piggy
hey pig, nothing's turning out the way i planned

nothing can stop me now, cause i don't care anymore.

damien rice- rootless tree
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around

bjork- declare independence
declare independence!
don't let them do that to you!

the arctic monkeys- perhaps vampires is a bit strong but...
cause all you people are vampires,
and all your stories are stale.

george michael- freedom '90
But today the way I play the game has got to change
Oh yeah
Now I'm gonna get myself happy

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I stopped the show
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone I forgot to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Don't think that I'll be back again
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

cake- sheep go to heaven
as soon as you're born you start dying, so you might as well have a good time.
sheep go to heaven. goats go to hell.

go to hell.
ans99: (wtf)
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.....
the lady that plays the boss (liquid terminator) was on late night talk craig colbourn? about a week ago infering she was out of a job and heading back to scotland.

from here.


guyz. do you realize we live in a world where there are some kids who have no idea who shirley manson is anymore?

i'm not so sure i want to live in this world.

also, "Garbage's Shirley Manson plays urinal in 'Terminator' TV show" is undoubtedly the best headline one could ever come up with pertaining to this subject.
ans99: (drama)
it seems fairly ironic that ken and i just got back home after seeing "watchmen," a movie largely focusing on dealings with the criminal element, to find that someone made off with two of the goat/sheep skulls sitting on our front porch.

while i figure this was probably inevitable, i do have to wonder who would take 2/3 skulls from someone's front porch. obviously enough of an asshole to be of the mind to go "oh hey i like this thing someone else has so i'm just going to take it." enough of a scary asshole to not only take something right off of someone's front porch but apparently get close enough to scope the place first (the skulls are not very noticeable from the street or sidewalk). enough of a bizarre scary asshole to take NOTHING else, of any value (there's yard tools in the backyard and the garage, housing our bikes, was unlocked). not enough of an asshole to not see the inherent cool value of a skull, because they apparently refrained from smashing it anywhere near the house and did not disturb anything else breakable that i can see. a lucky bizarre scary asshole to have come by while we were gone, for the space of just three hours.

i just can't figure out who'd do this. are there any satanic rituals happening tonight in davis? wtf.
ans99: (Default)
this is about where i'm at mentally right now writing cover letters. the book could not have come to my attention at a better time.

(#4 is my current favorite)
ans99: (flerpy derpy doo)
nobody finds my icon funny, and i find this sad. because i think it's hilarious. however, i am quite used to this paradoxical situation, let me assure you.

my last few weeks were mostly spent working on a robotmedia movie for the showcase this sunday. i'm currently working on getting it up to youtube, but it's 12 minutes and youtube only allows movies up to 10 minutes in length. so i have to split it, and compress two separate files, and it's just an abnormal length of time to have to spend to get something on youtube, for god's sake. when it's up i'll post it in [ profile] digitalis2. which is another reason to add it to your feed. you really don't want to miss this movie. it actually got... *gasp* a compliment at the showcase. from some guy who said he liked the "character development." no idea what he was talking about, but if you like shaving cream, and keys, and keys covered in shaving cream, and people trying to pick up keys covered in shaving cream, you should definitely watch this movie.

now if that's not a plug then what is?

other than getting the movie ready, watching the movie, and getting a compliment on the movie, we also helped james film something for some pbs doctor who contest. it was pretty fun, if freezing, and afterwards he even bought us pie.

before the showcase on sunday, ken and i went skiing and i determined that sierra at tahoe must be where all the assholes go, because half the people there had some sort of serious attitude problem and were whizzing by not only us, but children crawling in the snow, and not just on the slopes proper, but in the areas between lifts and lodge buildings and such. i saw this one incredible prick of a snowboarder who NEARLY ran into some skier minding his own damn business, looked affronted, got ahead of the skier, made a hockey-type stop almost directly in front of him, kicking up some snow, and once the skier meekly passed, giving him the DOUBLE flip-off. that was some prize piece of work, i have to say. other snowboarders were camped under the ski lifts, throwing snowballs up at people. i gave up after two runs and camped out in this horrible outdoor "tiki room," trying to ignore the bad reggae and watching everyone else try to have a decent time. it started snowing at one point, and that was kind of nice.

after skiing i made ken take me to a restaurant on the way back, because it's secretly my favorite part of trips like this-- sampling the bizarre hole-in-the-wall local cuisine of the forest people. we ended up at some german place, seated next to a photo of some town in austria from the 80's. it had the most horrible composition i'd ever seen, including a lamppost smack in the middle of the scene, as if it were some sort of popup guide in microsoft word ready to take you on a tour through the nicest parts of hell. the food was good, if hearty. god the german potatoes. and their zinfandel was fucking awesome.

halfway through the meal i started trying to figure out what song a snippet of nine inch nails lyric was from, and then also the first line of "mr. self destruct." i drunk-dialed mario, and on the third ring he picked up, but he didn't know the answer to the first question. i even had him google it to no avail.

let me open it to you guys: if i called up going "ok what nine inch nails song is this: 'i've tried everything.... i've tried everything'?" would you know? should i make a voice post and open it up as a contest? i've since figured it out of course.

anyhow, by the time we left i was toasted enough to show up still buzzed at the showcase 1.5 hours later, and buzzed enough at that point to enjoy myself by snarking at everyone else's movie and then laughing hysterically at my own. oh well, luckily showmanship isn't a large part of being an artist because otherwise i'd have to just give up now and go live in a cardboard box.

so the two topics for next showcase are "telemetry" and "mistakes." the only thing i can think of is a fan film of that part in dark tower vii where that rat thing named finli (or something) keeps saying, "telemetry doesn't lie." i think that'd rock.

either that or a spy movie.
ans99: (horror)


ans99: (khef)
because i'm pretty sure i've done this meme before. oh well. i'm supposed to tag some of you but i think everyone who would have done this has done it. so do it if you want to, i guess.

1. i've been fully cognizant of my bisexuality for a decade and still i have never kissed a girl.

2. generally, i feel more of a rapport with animals than people.

3. i have never been burned by a flame but i have such an intense fear of fire that it's taken me until last year to feel comfortable even lighting a match. conversely, i have been sliced open by numerous metal objects in my lifetime and feel perfectly comfortable around knives.

4. i have not knowingly eaten beef since i did a research paper on mad cow disease during my college days.

5. male suffering really turns me on. sorry guys.

6. for a short time in my youth i took dance and gymnastics classes. i quit gymnastics because i got some sort of pseudo-feminism going on and didn't like feeling like they were trying to get me to contort into a specific body image/feminine ideal-- and that i was failing miserably at it.

7. i'm a chronically late person and have been for as long as i can remember.

8. artistic inspiration is why i inevitably give the world one more chance. it's also why i love teaching. people just come up with the most amazing ideas sometimes, and it's all i can do to wonder why i never thought of them because they're just so obvious and wonderful and brilliant.

9. my high school friends and i used to pretend we were the beatles. i was john.

10. in middle school these same friends and i used to hide out in the art room during lunchtime so we wouldn't have to deal with any of the other students harassing us. i suppose in a way we formed our own reactive clique.

11. the reason i started photographing things was due to my fascination that you could print a memory. because of this i find it almost unbearably difficult to throw any of them away.

this is my favorite dali painting. sometimes i like to tell people he painted it for me.

13. some of the best times of my life were spent sneaking away from college for the weekend, taking a bus alone to nyc and spending that weekend with this guy i barely knew. i've never been able to see the city in the same way since, so i've always been disappointed when i've returned there.

14. i have not seen most of my extended family in a Very Long Time. there's no obvious tension, we're all just horrible at correspondence.

15. i was an avid reader as a child-- i mean like, i'd get multiple BOXES of 'em from scholastic. by the time i was in second grade they were giving me "special" spelling tests because the regular ones were too easy for me. i remember quibbling with the teacher over the correct spelling of "moustache" (she insisted it only "mustache" was acceptable until we checked the dictionary together)

16. i'm now a blue belt in kempo karate but i have a ridiculously low pain tolerance so i'm still pretty much useless at defending myself.

17. i worked on a dairy farm for a summer, and so i'm privileged enough to know the unbeatable feeling of a cow crapping on your head.

18. just about every night i have really vivid, horrifyingly fascinating dreams that could easily be horror/sci-fi b-movie plots. as a rule i'm usually left shaken from these dreams for the rest of the day.

19. when i encounter incompetence from the world i automatically want to kill myself.

20. i almost got a gig in high school doing english as a second language instructional audio tapes for i think hispanic students. i got all the way into the studio for recording before they decided i made too many "mouth noises"-- clicks and such like when you open your mouth to start talking and your tongue unsticks from the roof and so on. anyway the guy canned me right then and there. now when i hear all the voice personalities on the radio i go crazy pointing out all the mouth noises i hear. jerks.

21. i check the ceilings wherever i'm eating because i'm paranoid that a bug is going to fall from it and into my food. this is based on a true story from my childhood, where i was at a food court with a friend and a very giant, very dead hornet plummeted from above and landed smack in the middle of our table.

22. i'm so argumentative that i once wrote a five-page appeal for a parking ticket. whether they're still reading it, decided it wasn't worth it, lost my paperwork, decided that if i lost i might come after them with a shotgun, or lost track of me once i moved i'm not sure-- but i never heard from the
parking people again.

23. i have a hard time hiding my true emotions. they're written right across my face at all times, and this has gotten me into trouble time and time again.

24. all of the animals i own right now were laboratory rescues. two of them, my rats, are from my own behavioral experiment.

25. i co-starred in some doctor who fan films written and produced by james a few years ago.
ans99: (kickass)
oh, here's the x-men fanvid i've been working on For Over a Year. not sure why it took me so long.* it's about jean grey and mental instability and succumbing to the shadow self etc etc, yeah, you all hated x3 but you should watch it because i put it to the nine inch nails song, "me, i'm not." so that automatically makes it pretty entertaining.

i also reuploaded that one youtube made me take down, after becoming emboldened by a bunch of links suggesting that a turn of the tide may eventually be in order for vidders vs copyright infringement laws foisted by whiny-ass companies that like to use other people's work to make themselves rich but somehow can't afford to let the fucking fans of said work pay tribute to it through, at times, some pretty damned neat transformative art.

if youtube deletes my account, i'm not going to be too fussed, because youtube makes everything look crappy. and srsly, that's sort of my point. it's like, grow up music and film industries: youtube is not a source for quality media so you should stop pretending it is. it is not losing you money. rather it's exposing people To Your Product.

anyway, if you haven't seen my vids at all you should check them out before youtube cans me, or something: my youtube channel.


as a bonus, better quality!

* other than that making fanvids out of only six or so hours total of potential footage, especially if the vids focus on one character in an ensemble cast, means one often runs out of footage. also, it was definitely a different editing style than i was used to, because trying to put clips to a nine inch nails song means one has to get a little more creative than usual if an attempt is made to follow the song as closely as possible. i mean, how do you visualize an eggbeater hooked up to an amp or whatever when all you have is a few minutes here and there of storm hugging people. it gets difficult.

* oh, and if you like this kind of stuff but don't read my feed yet, you know what to do
ans99: (wtf)
i'm beginning to wonder if my old grad group coordinator is secretly my archnemesis, and i just never got the memo? srsly everything she does is some sort of lassez faire attempt to ruin my life or something.
ans99: (khef)
i rather uncharacteristically haven't mentioned it much, but i'm at a pretty low place right now. i've been living off my savings for about three months and finding a job around here is apparently impossible. i feel drastically underqualified for everything i apply for, plan to do, want to do, and wish i were doing. i can't even say the solution would be to crawl back to some degree somewhere because i seem to have also picked up an unequivocal distaste for structure at the moment.

i've been trying to throw myself into my art and volunteering and job applications, i try to stay positive, and i have someone else's income to depend on if need be, but i'm not sure how long i can be in limbo like this without cracking.

the feeling has been getting stronger every day that there just is no place for me to exist in this world. i wish i could say i felt otherwise, and that i could quit dwelling on this feeling and set to work carving out a new place with some modicum of productivity, but instead i just sort of feel like i did when i was fifteen: bored and unwilling to get my sluggish limbs to move. in consumption mode instead of creation.

i think it would help if i could just see some direction. it's like i'm stuck on a foggy road in the middle of nowhere and i can't even figure out where i am anymore.


ans99: (Default)

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