ans99: (drama)
So I haven't been making any real LJ entries in some time, and I'm not really planning on making any more real LJ entries, because I've determined that only one or two people even seem to notice I've said anything here. And this is not a complaint, merely a notice that only one or two people are even going to read anyway, but I think it's about time I closed this thing up.

And I hate saying this knowing how many years I've been here (since 2001!) and how things were very very different in the past, when I felt more of a connection to so many of you and you know, that I wasn't such a ghost here I guess. When I felt what I said was interesting and mattered. But I haven't felt that way in quite some time. I guess it's the trend of the internet, or maybe I wasn't very good at keeping up with any of you, or I don't even know. It's not even so much that I feel I haven't been interesting-- this year I've produced some of the most interesting stuff of my life. I have a band now, and an album, and I'm starting to put a business together to sell my drawings and photographs, and those things are HUGE to me. Maybe not to you.

I have other journals, mainly for RP and fic, so I'm not leaving LJ forever. And I do want to keep some people here on my list so that I can keep up with your lives because as far as I know you aren't anywhere else with any regularity. So I guess not much is even changing. But if you're hanging on to my name in your friends list there's really no reason to pretend anymore. I give up. If you still want me to read your entries keep me on, but I won't be making any more and I'll probably be dropping a fair amount off my own reading list, because it's been at the point I can't keep up for several years now. And I don't think it's fair keeping up with some of you when my comments and posts go ignored. *shrug*

I don't like leaving on such a bitter, nothing note, but I feel sort of bitter and nothing today so I suppose it fits.

In closing, just so at least this entry can't be ignored:

GOODBYE LIVEJOURNAL!

Heh. Nobody ever said I wasn't a complete child.
ans99: (khef)
I just saw tonight one of the most beautiful episodes of Doctor Who. Since it just aired Saturday in the UK I suppose there are some spoilers, but I wouldn't be too worried since it is mainly a historical type episode and, like, everybody knows what happened to van Gogh. But still.

You really should go watch it )

quiet

Jul. 30th, 2009 07:10 pm
ans99: (art)
I can tell you why it's always the quiet ones.

It's because it's always the quiet ones who've thought since the edge of forever that if they just kept their heads down, didn't make a fuss, stayed silent, bore their beatings from the world without a single complaint or sass-back—that somehow they'd be spared all of this. This purposeful insult and injury that people of the world are so damn good at inflicting upon others without a second thought. The pain of adulthood, of realizing that This is It, and the good times you tried so hard to rush through, hurtling toward what you thought was the light at the end of the tunnel—Freedom, Love, Independence, Acceptance—those times were really the best times, and you squandered them. You thought things would get better once you could decide for yourself? You still aren't deciding for yourself. You're still under the thumb of something much bigger and stronger than you are, and you're still taking orders from Father Capitalism and Mother Media. Fuck that, it's even worse than that. You're still In the Womb. You've exchanged one limited, strangled set of half-assed "freedoms" for another, and nothing has changed other than now you have to actually work your ass off and Pay for the dubious privilege of having them. Meet the new boss, indeed.

It's the quiet ones that finally fucking snap when they come to the realization that their whole life they've been on the wrong plan. The wrong path, the wrong Life. They've set themselves up a road full of disappointment, of mixed messages and crossed signals and shattered hope. They thought they were Playing the Game, but they were really just Opting Out. Because the Future is all Social now. This is a Future where Networking is more important than Skills, where people collect other people, where only the familiar is seen as Refreshingly Creative and Worth Anything. Where if you do not have powerful, connected friends, in this world, if you do not whore yourself out with the fervor of a one-breasted Vegas hooker with thirty kids—you won't even show up as a blip on anyone's radar for longer than ten seconds. This is the Future of the Easily and Often Bored.

Some will change. They'll Act Out. They'll shoot up a school. They'll get Quirky. They'll create Enemies that Never Existed. They'll dabble in the Obscure. They'll find a niche, if they're lucky. But the world is rapidly running out of niches.

Some will find it difficult to change. They'll Go Through the Motions. They'll Escape from the World. They'll take it out on their families. They'll spend day after day in a Soul Sucking Job until everything that made them Them is gone. They'll tell themselves they never wanted to be Famous anyway. They'll say Life is Good. They'll shoot themselves in the face.

Everyone normalizes, in the end.
ans99: (cute)


so here's our new kitty. she's a firecracker, just a year old, and her name is kitsune. i knew the first time i held her what her name would be, and even though we "auditioned" six or so cats on sunday she was the obvious one. loves to be petted, this cat. ye gods, she'll hit her head against anything trying to get a head rub out of it. including a metal file cabinet. yeech.

more pictures )
the only problem we've run into thus far is that she's way too interested in wilson. so interested, in fact, that we went to watch battlestar galactica for 40 minutes in ken's room and when we came out she'd reached into the rat cage with her paw as far as she could and wilson was just cowering in his house. i guess some rats nip cats, but wilson is apparently far too polite. we squirted her with vinegar twice and she jumped down. we're moving his cage to our bedroom and making it off limits to cats tonight. it's a shame. i'm with wilson right now, in my art room with the door closed, and he is so upset and i feel awful.

i realize i haven't been keeping you all abreast of my animals. that's in part because something happened this weekend that made me feel like a total jerk.

basically we decided dot and dash were far too sick to introduce to wilson, and in fact far too sick to have ever been adopted out in the first place. so we returned them. the waiting room was awful. there was this old couple that came in with their two (or more? i only saw two carriers at the least) cats, and the lady at the front desk basically said 'we have no space for these cats.' i was silently pleading the whole time that they wouldn't just leave them there to be possibly euth'ed anyway, and finally the old couple took the cats away to be brought back at a later date. i'm surprised they weren't directed to another shelter, actually.

the thing is, we did something we shouldn't have done and we adopted rats that were on vet check. someone had seen them "sneezing blood"-- we had no idea what myco was at the time because it just doesn't come up in conversation with friends, seeing as none of them own rats. and i've only dealt with lab rats, which are usually myco-free. so we thought nothing of it, and took them after the swiftest vet check ever. we should have waited, because the entire time with us they kept getting sicker. we waited a week, and then we returned them. if it had been stress i would have expected constant improvement as they adjusted, not one rat already sick then the other.

it's another shame, because i really liked them. it's just we felt they were too big a risk to him in their debilitated state. i'd get them in an instant, again, once they were better and fully checked out and monitored in a stable environment. i guess we'll keep an eye out and see.

we're still going to get wilson a companion, because there is no way in hell he could possibly be myco-free. we carry it in our nasal passages and he's no longer in a barrier facility. so we're going to get back to the shelter, or get in touch with a rat adoption agency, and try again. maybe with buddies he'll toughen up and nip that cat. we'll see, i guess. i hope we find him a suitable buddy soon.

in other news, what have i been up to... hm. the diet is running me ragged and i'm not getting enough sleep, so i haven't really lost anything yet but i feel tired and hungry all the time. last weekend alan and adrienne showed us grand hotel, the movie with the line "i want to be alone." it was pretty funny, unintentionally, and it was telling that even with a murder and attempted suicide, the most disturbing thing for us was not knowing what happened to the deceased's schnauzer. that and the pasted-in-after-the-fact overly dramatic closeups of greta garbo. i want to hang out with them again soon, because it was a really good time. and i want to see more old movies!

i think i did more but i'm so tired i have no idea what it was. time for bed.

i hope kitsune can find the litter box tonight.

EPIC FAIL

Jun. 5th, 2009 08:59 pm
ans99: (drama)
since twitter is down for maintenance, you all will get the gem of the hour i was planning on posting there:

came into the middle of a st:tng episode and therefore currently trying to figure out why riker made troi cry. posted 29 minutes ago via web

in other news, today i had an adam savage moment (read: failed majorly) while trying to make my "mount the curb" shirt. basically it's a case of MAH SCREEN IS TOO BIG" and it doesn't fit on the multicolor press frames (or any frame really), therefore making it impossible to line up colors effectively. now the craft center will be closed for two weeks, which gives me enough time to try to buy some smaller screens and try again. one for each color this time. there's a damn reason it's done this way.

so my shirt will have to wait til the end of the month. this makes me sad. it'll get done, but i was really hoping it would be as easy as it was the first time, when i did a proof on paper and it came out brilliant. the instant i tried putting it on the shirt, of course, is when it failed. basically the ink dried in the holes of the screen, gumming it up. and by that time also i couldn't line up by looking through the screen because there was too much damn ink on it :( i spent the next 45 minutes trying to wash the screen out-- this was after the craft center was officially closed, by the way. ugh.

i pretty much just wanted to crawl into a hole and die at the end of that, i felt like such an asshole for wasting everyone's time. what is the worst about it is how long it took, and all for naught. i worked so hard to get it done by tonight and it just didn't happen. i even came in yesterday and tried to do it then, but there was a class all evening. yes, the last week and the day before closing, a class. that is not supposed to happen! so i made the screen but that was all i could do. and i was in such a rush i made the screen in a non-helpful way, which really made things extra difficult today.

but i learned something, didn't i. ugh.

1) must get rid of this screen. maybe i can reclaim the screen part, restretch it onto smaller frames, and ditch the big frame, or come up with some other use for it...

2) plan better. the frame was too big but it would have worked if i'd just measured first.

3) don't wait til the last minute. if it is almost closing and i run into a problem i should quit rather than rant for like an hour and make everyone upset with me and get upset with everyone. it's not worth making a fuss over, it's just a shirt i got for 5 bucks and a screen made with free emulsion/uv and squeegeed with free paint. and there is always next quarter.

at least i can take solace in the fact that, judging by this episode, really i'm no more emotional and self-ignorant than someone on star trek. god, counselor troi is so dense for an empath, it's incredible. it's like watching someone who got chauffeured around her whole life having to learn how to drive a stinky bus. at 40. i just can't relate.
ans99: (flerpy derpy doo)
several things i've observed in the past few days:

1. nick cave is a total drama queen.

2. i think aaron eckhart looks ten shades sexier in his two-face makeup. also, i'm aware i'm the only one in the universe who thinks that, and that it probably easily lumps me in the "psychologically ill" category, but there you go.

3. peaches is sort of female trent reznor, in heat.

wilson's slowly adapting, i think, to life without house. i'm firmly in the denial stage, however, and i keep expecting him to be there when i open their cage. it's a pretty harsh reality check i keep smacking myself with.
ans99: (khef)
i've been pretty absent from lj for a little while. for the past few weeks i've been getting a movie storyboarded, filmed and edited for robotmedia (thanks so much to mario for his patience in coming back for filming over THREE NIGHTS-- we got him a cupcake from davis creamery and dinner at quiznos for his efforts). i've also been starting up at a new roleplaying game, which just opened. still working on my photography/sketch site. and wrapping up my drawing class, which just ended for the quarter. it went well.

and.

house died.



he went down so fast. we noticed he was slowing down, but it was pretty subtle. then he started peeing blood and we took him to the vet. although we tried valiantly all last week, giving him fluids and antibiotics, he just got worse and worse. on saturday we made an evening appointment to see what else we could do for him, and to put him down if there was nothing. not making improvements on meds is not a very good sign. but he died that afternoon and we buried him in the backyard.

the house is a little less lively now, and i'm worried about wilson. he's eating less and sleeping more, and when he's awake he seems distraught and panicky. we're probably going to have to try another companion with him. this saturday i plan to go to the animal shelters to see if there are any young male rats available.

don't feel bad for me. feel bad for him. he lost the friend he knew for half his life. :(
ans99: (drama)
sometimes i think that the reason i cut so many people out of my life 5 or 6 years ago is because i secretly am a pushover. and one day i just got sick of it. and for a short while i genuinely reveled in backlashing against that violently, like a scimitar, letting heads and limbs fall where they may. losing friends, gaining enemies, isolating myself from all the people who disappointed me and i just rolled with it. all the people that done did me wrong and showed no remorse, and rather than stand my ground i just pretended it was all okay.

i've been wondering, for all my show of strong will, argumentative stances and just general contrariness-- am i a pushover after all? do i just willingly walk back into bad situations? do i let things go when i shouldn't, because i'm afraid of losing everything besides my dignity? do i do too much for little gain or credit, including any good feelings i could be getting out of doing more meaningful work or by demanding fair treatment?

today i helped out at the souper bowl. we were cleaning up after and eventually it got to stacking chairs. we were all making our own individual stacks. as i was working this guy came up to me and said: "If you're going to stack chairs you need to stack them flush." then he fixed the one chair on top that wasn't flush yet. it was useful advice but i had to wonder at his phrasing. what did he mean "if you're going to stack chairs?" was he implying i was too stupid to but they'd tolerate it if i just didn't fuck up? i found it hard to let go, especially with what he said a few minutes later.

before chair stacking, i'd been cleaning off tables with a rag. because there was only one bottle of cleaner, in the hands of another worker, i was basically clearing them off after she sprayed them. not a bad deal, but i ran out of tables and that's why i started stacking chairs. so i had the rag, and figured i might as well wipe crumbs and soup off the chairs with them before i stacked them together. i was doing that-- wiping a chair off, stacking it, lather rinse repeat-- when i heard this same guy saying "i need a chair wipe here." i stopped stacking chairs, looked around, and he was standing right there next to me holding out his chair.

i mean, what was i, his chair wipe girl? was i to get him coffee next? how fucking presumptuous was that?

i was telling ken about this, and enumerating all the things "i should have" done. i should have ignored him, i should have told him to wipe it himself. i should have handed him the rag silently. i should have said "if you're going to stack chairs, you should get your own wipe." and on and on. finally ken asked, "well what did you do?"

and i wanted to kill myself as i told him what i did do.

"i wiped it."
ans99: (drama)
i feel strangled by the weight of my desires. because i can't begin to articulate, or you've heard it all before, some stolen words bouncing around my head:

gotta get back to the bottom
the big come down, isn't that what you wanted?
find a place with the failed and forgotten
isn't that really what you wanted now?


Now when some of us hit this world
we hit it with our face
open up our mouths like a bulldozer
and start ripping up the place
but then others of us sneak in sideways
keeping one foot on the floor
bouncing in and out of life like a long bad dream
till we're never really sure
Is this me? is this my life?


is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside a book
small enough to cover with your hand
because everyone around you wants to look

is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside the cracks
the pieces don’t fit together so good
with all the breaking and all the gluing back

and i am still not getting what i want
i want to touch the back of your right arm
i wish you could remind me who i was
because every day i’m a little further off

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

and is it getting harder to pretend
that life goes on without you in the wake
and can you see the means without the end
in the random frantic action that we take

and is it getting easy not to care
despite the many rings around your name
it isn’t funny and it isn’t fair
you’ve traveled all this way and it’s the same

i would tell them anything to see you split the evening
but as you see i do not have an awful lot to tell
everybody’s sick for something that they can find fascinating
everyone but you
and even you aren’t feeling well

YES you are, my love, the astronaut
crashing in the name of science
just my luck they sent your upper half
it’s a very nice reminder
it’s a very nice reminder

(and you may be acquainted with the night
but i have seen the darkness in the day
and you must know it is a terrifying sight
because you and i are living the same way)


(( you've got a way with words
you've got a way that makes me feel so complicated
your message meets the floor
the horizon meets your horse and you're deliberating
i'm only clearing my throat
and don't you ever wish for just one thing you might never see?
don't you ever wish for just one thing you might never know?
you might never know ))

i'll be black as coal
i'll be cold as steel
i'll be all the things
you never wanted to feel

i'll be deepest pit
i'll be biggest fear
i'll be all the things
you never wanted to hear

i'll be far from home
i'll be without light
i'll be all the things
that come out and scare you at night


And I don't know why
It's so hard to consider this
I've reached up so many times
To find my hands full of emptiness
ans99: (whoops)
was it all there before you in a dream?

                      was it something that only 
                                   --you-- 
                                  could see?

                 was it gold 
                                           or even better
was it weapons-grade metal

or a Glimpse of Your God?*

was it whi s s ss s    s  ssp er  e  d  right into the bones of your ears? 
((did you hear what you wanted to hear?))

did they take you 
              and make you
                      --believe-- it was clear 
                                          when they made you commander and 
                                                                      you couldn't be it?

well the women just didn't like your eyes and the big boys they
                      cut 
                  you
          down 
       to
size

when the war came you ran for your life as your businesses dried

were they all there before                      just waiting in line
                                     you   

      to include                       in their crudest design?
                             you    
 
                                   were Bad Fruit
                       you   

they knew          you      w oul dn't       r ip e n  o n   t  he   v    i  n e
((and they made you commander when 
             you couldn't be it

                                          You.
                                        Couldn't.
                                           Be.
                                           It.))




* as for jesus: you never felt much, but you prayed, cause you needed to believe that you could be saved




now in private  ... you don't cry but --- you have doubts ... 
it's just ... better --- if you never let them ... 

out. 

                                    it
            was                                                   all   
                        there 
                                     before                                   
                                                      you            i    n         a  

                             d       r           e             a       m        ?

                                  
                                  was it something that only you could see?
                           (('cause it's right there before you when you close your eyes))

                                                                 e
                                                            e e
                                                         s e
                                                       is   
                                                     i
you would kill it with a pill but it would still ri

(it's (the)) (pain)( of a) great(( love) you (cannot) deny. and) you may be commander but


YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT.

-ty greenstein
ans99: (khef)
i rather uncharacteristically haven't mentioned it much, but i'm at a pretty low place right now. i've been living off my savings for about three months and finding a job around here is apparently impossible. i feel drastically underqualified for everything i apply for, plan to do, want to do, and wish i were doing. i can't even say the solution would be to crawl back to some degree somewhere because i seem to have also picked up an unequivocal distaste for structure at the moment.

i've been trying to throw myself into my art and volunteering and job applications, i try to stay positive, and i have someone else's income to depend on if need be, but i'm not sure how long i can be in limbo like this without cracking.

the feeling has been getting stronger every day that there just is no place for me to exist in this world. i wish i could say i felt otherwise, and that i could quit dwelling on this feeling and set to work carving out a new place with some modicum of productivity, but instead i just sort of feel like i did when i was fifteen: bored and unwilling to get my sluggish limbs to move. in consumption mode instead of creation.

i think it would help if i could just see some direction. it's like i'm stuck on a foggy road in the middle of nowhere and i can't even figure out where i am anymore.
ans99: (khef)
i spent most of new year's evefternoon cleaning my "art room," which i haven't done since i moved in. as stupid as it may sound, i'm a taurus, and i fit so many of the typical astrological personality checkboxes set up for that sign that it's quite obvious who and what i am, and where i lie on that arbitrary line. i love security, being pampered. i'm obsessed with money (particularly just enough to get me to that feeling of security) and material objects (you should see my collection of junk i've just picked up along the way of my life-- something tangible to serve as a placeholder for my memories is very important to me it seems). i get a lot of sore throats. and i love beauty. i need beautiful surroundings in order to operate to full capacity, to be inspired. and so in order to really feel "at home" and "right" i need to clean and organize.

this of course messes with my naturally cluttered nature. maybe this is why i get nothing done, or as little as possible, in my life. i could be doing so much more.

but anyway, i was cleaning and going through papers, and i happened upon a folder in my file cabinet that held all my old college syllabi, transcripts, scholarship notifications, and evaluations. first i found the ones from my first year of TAing and that familiar sense of shame and indignation washed over me. because it'd been so long since i'd last looked at these things, these little sheets of abject horror, i had been under the impression that it wasn't "as bad as i remembered." re-reading some of the things not only the students but one teacher in particular said about me-- i.e. my laziness, lack of empathy, ignorance, disorganization and inefficiency-- and then contrasting that with all the work i did and all the lesson plans i made for the discussion course i taught really made it clear to me how much i was shafted that second year of grad school in just about every way possible. no wonder i decided that it wasn't for me.

then i came across my letters of rec and course comments for my simon's rock classes and i almost cried. just about all of them really said the same thing, painted this picture of me that i just didn't understand until nearly twelve years later. "we wish she'd speak up more." "she's too serious." "she worries too much about her grades, most likely because she's trying to get into vet school." and then later on, things like "april has really blossomed." "she's written the best material in the class." and from my acting teacher, representing one branch i just entirely blew off because of fear i guess: "i hope she continues on this path."

i wish i had, lindsay. hopefully it's not too late.

this year i'm reminded of how i felt last summer, before it all came crashing down on me again in the forms of fear and obligation and worry and distraction. i feel like i'm on the brink of a new beginning. this year i resolve to no longer deny myself what i want. to not take some shitty job just because i think it's what i should be doing to occupy my time. i dare myself to, as neil gaiman wrote in my copy of american gods (thanks fluffy) and reiterated in his latest missive to his fans, "dream dangerously." to get in with the sharks, as kyle cassidy put it. to "do what i want and what i believe in," as shreve stockton said just a short time ago. she's right, by the way. these people, and many more, are all my heroes because they got out there and did what they wanted, and didn't stop to think about how to appease anyone. they just forged ahead.

for far too long in my life, i think, i assumed school was the only place i belonged, and i guess there are a lot of reasons. my parents pushed me hard gradewise. i didn't have many friends, and because i did so well in school teachers befriended me instead. schoolwork was not primarily a social thing, and i fucking excelled at it while shunning the things i really loved to do as "not a real job." intellectual property rights, combined with some sort of puritan ethic i'd picked up along the way and a sense of needing to change the world with my brain, made me nervous and reluctant to consider any form of art as a real career. i always had to be doing something "important" to be of any worth to the world, and sitting around making music all day or painting pictures or dancing just didn't count enough.

and besides all that there was a real fear that school was all i could really do well enough. in the very real, very fierce scramble to get to the top in middle and high school there was no margin for failure, no place but first in the class. therefore, in general if i tried something and initially failed at it, i gave it up. i hated playing games i knew i wouldn't win. i didn't want anyone to see that i was anything less than perfect at what i tried. i didn't want to be anything less than perfect. i remember jamie hutchinson sighing one day during an advising meeting with me and saying "i wish for once you could just let yourself get a D in something." at the time, setting my sights on vet school really did make it nearly impossible for me to understand. now i realize how little all that mattered.

i think i've rambled on enough about this. here's some other new year's resolutions:

i will )

i'm sure there's more, but i think that's a good start. note nowhere in there is "get a job." this is because i've tried that for a couple of months, with the only goal being to "get a job," and i've not had my heart in it. i keep coming back to the idea that i need to do what i love and try to craft employment out of that. when employers give you the run-around and actually lose your resume after calling about interviews the universe is trying to tell you something. luckily i have a means of financial support. the time is ripe. it's now or never.

christmas, by the way, was good. as good as can be expected, although a lot of family crap came up for me.

doings )

i also did a lot of thinking about 2003/4 compared to now, and what seems to make a lot of sense at the moment is that i grew up sort of ignored emotionally. no matter how much i complained it was laughed off, or completely disregarded, or misinterpreted in the most obtuse manner possible. so during that time when i was making a lot of lame enemies and losing a lot of new friends, i think it was one of the first times i ever was not allowed to get away with that shit. it was the first time that someone actually listened to what i was saying and, unfortunately, took it at face-value or worse. and i couldn't figure out why people were not allowing me my space to just say my piece and move on, but it was because for once what i was saying was actually affecting them. now, granted, they could have been a little less retarded about how they dealt with it, but i should have listened a little more, maybe cut them a little slack. not enough to be great friends with them, perhaps, but enough to have just let it go and realized that others can be just as sensitive as i can and that we all need to find ways to protect ourselves emotionally.

for new year's we took a cue from just about everyone else in the universe and stayed in, drank some good zinfandel, tried out the fireplace for the first time, and watched casino royale (and then later some discovery channel special on execution methods-- both of us were crushing over the same girl). i don't know what it was about 2008, but i think a great many of us just needed to rest after that soul-crushing year and just try to regain some semblance of inner peace.

hopefully that plan will last for longer than one night. happy new year. :)

er, yeah.

Nov. 23rd, 2008 02:13 am
ans99: (whoops)
i guess i have to point out that when i see something called "writer's block," i use it as an excuse to exercise my creative muscle and explore a certain aspect of the question that might actually lead down some entertaining and narrative path, and not necessarily to draft an entirely truthful and complete opinion piece that i expect to ultimately define me as a person.

by the way, and only tangentially related, some of you earth peoples are so very hard to love. :/
ans99: (drama)
contacted. sought after. asked. answered. spewing words that get hung on, every one. desired. idolized. necessary. successful. happy. satisfied. reciprocated. eloquent. in control of my life. understood. sure. at ease. fascinating. healthy. appreciated. seen. seen. seen.seen. seen. seen
ans99: (drama)
i've been thinking lately that i should start writing about people and heartbreaks and surreal experiences in my life in an attempt to get everything out in the open with myself. drag out the entrails, or scatter the pieces and look for some sort of pattern, perhaps. revisit those moments where i'd stop in the middle and think, "nobody should have to deal with this, not ever." tally up all the crazy blessings in my life that i've taken for granted, forgotten about. missed connections. crossed wires. embarrassing blunders.

it started with me thinking it was time to tell the story of henk once and for all. it's just gotten to ridiculous mythic proportions on both sides, and i just feel like it's time to stop being coy and start providing some details. the whole situation was incredibly lame but it really changed me-- mainly for the worse but also quite a bit for the better. i still can't really figure out the equations employed in making the decisions either of us did, but i know that i can finally be proud of myself for getting through it without delving to the lows that certain others did. the lows i'm not so proud of? i can forgive myself for being an idiot, because when it comes down to it i was the one being severely challenged. it was a test of everything i stood for and believed in, and i was too young and idealistic to have proper perspective. now i do, and they're still assholes. so yeah, i can forgive myself for how i acted.

wow, this is pretty horrible. i said i'd stop with the vagueness but i'm still just not ready i guess.

moving on. the other night i was having one of those "can't sleep, bed partner is strangely uncomfortable" moments and so naturally i started thinking about tedd's chest. i've often described it as a post-thanksgiving dinner turkey. i still don't know why i stayed, and exactly how i left. i suppose in some ways i was desperate for some sort of relationship. but in a way i think i didn't really give it a chance because of the desperation. i wanted to move it too fast. i didn't listen to him, to who he was. once i realized that, it was too late. i couldn't deal with that either, so i cut ties completely.

and then i starting thinking about yoss, ah yes, yoss. another "relationship" i simply cannot explain even now. i miss him so much. i can't think of new york without thinking of him dragging me around showing me all the best things. even regina spektor frequented the sidewalk cafe (albeit after my time), so i simply can't escape. i wish i'd never upped the ante with him, but it was just so painful and confusing that i don't think i could have survived in that state for very long.

and then there's phillippe. and pat. and that guy i hit with the broom. and julie's friend who burned me dido cds. and my white knight. and the guy who impressed me by sharing his entire c drive on the umass network. and will. you know, there are people i dated in college i can barely remember. i was so lost for so long. i need to start remembering.

tonight i was thinking about something i talked over with a close friend a few days ago. he's been all but completely abandoned emotionally by his old friends, and i'm supposed to be a reason for that. when i think of these people though, going throughout their lives with nary a mention of him or even a nod his way... shutting him out of weddings, and visits, and even friendly communication... it just makes me wonder how people like that can justify their actions to themselves. this person that they were friends with for years-- how can they callously just cut him out of their lives and never look back?

of course then i realize i used to do just that. sometimes still do, depending on the offense. but i'm not sure i would ever do it for their reasons.

**

i'm half-watching the omen something-or-other as i'm writing all this. our little would-be antichrist is pretty cute. mainly because he's all angsty and tortured over being the antichrist. it's a little like the first episode of buffy the vampire slayer. only much hotter.

you know, the omen made me afraid of machinery for the longest time.

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ans99

October 2013

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