quiet

Jul. 30th, 2009 07:10 pm
ans99: (art)
I can tell you why it's always the quiet ones.

It's because it's always the quiet ones who've thought since the edge of forever that if they just kept their heads down, didn't make a fuss, stayed silent, bore their beatings from the world without a single complaint or sass-back—that somehow they'd be spared all of this. This purposeful insult and injury that people of the world are so damn good at inflicting upon others without a second thought. The pain of adulthood, of realizing that This is It, and the good times you tried so hard to rush through, hurtling toward what you thought was the light at the end of the tunnel—Freedom, Love, Independence, Acceptance—those times were really the best times, and you squandered them. You thought things would get better once you could decide for yourself? You still aren't deciding for yourself. You're still under the thumb of something much bigger and stronger than you are, and you're still taking orders from Father Capitalism and Mother Media. Fuck that, it's even worse than that. You're still In the Womb. You've exchanged one limited, strangled set of half-assed "freedoms" for another, and nothing has changed other than now you have to actually work your ass off and Pay for the dubious privilege of having them. Meet the new boss, indeed.

It's the quiet ones that finally fucking snap when they come to the realization that their whole life they've been on the wrong plan. The wrong path, the wrong Life. They've set themselves up a road full of disappointment, of mixed messages and crossed signals and shattered hope. They thought they were Playing the Game, but they were really just Opting Out. Because the Future is all Social now. This is a Future where Networking is more important than Skills, where people collect other people, where only the familiar is seen as Refreshingly Creative and Worth Anything. Where if you do not have powerful, connected friends, in this world, if you do not whore yourself out with the fervor of a one-breasted Vegas hooker with thirty kids—you won't even show up as a blip on anyone's radar for longer than ten seconds. This is the Future of the Easily and Often Bored.

Some will change. They'll Act Out. They'll shoot up a school. They'll get Quirky. They'll create Enemies that Never Existed. They'll dabble in the Obscure. They'll find a niche, if they're lucky. But the world is rapidly running out of niches.

Some will find it difficult to change. They'll Go Through the Motions. They'll Escape from the World. They'll take it out on their families. They'll spend day after day in a Soul Sucking Job until everything that made them Them is gone. They'll tell themselves they never wanted to be Famous anyway. They'll say Life is Good. They'll shoot themselves in the face.

Everyone normalizes, in the end.
ans99: (irreverence)
here's an interesting view of the master's personality from someone who's several times been called one of the, if not "the" best master rpers on lj:

http://savagestime.livejournal.com/44634.html

i find this particular bit very interesting:

emphasis mine )

i know you have no idea what i'm on about but i feel pretty vindicated right now.
ans99: (work)
freyja: how about an a capella version of muscle museum
penguin42: oh that would be cool
freyja: nananananananananananannananananananannananaanannananannanananana
penguin42: :-D
freyja: or knowing them it'd be
freyja: bumbumbumbumbumbumbumbum
penguin42: ugh
freyja: MR SANDMAN
freyja: christ get out of the 50s
freyja: your syllables are OUTDATED
penguin42: seriously

this is a pretty accurate version of how i spend my time at work when i'm overtired (note the frequent 'head-down' breaks)

freyja: omgomgomgomgomgomg
penguin42: sup sup sups
freyja: bloodsugar

it's amazing how fans suck up to @benjaminfolds-- his pictures ARE good-- very good! but do you really need to act like every single snapshot he posts is some unique, never-accomplished-before work of pure gold? good grief.
ans99: (whoops)
day 1 of my diet: "i really want to eat this donut. ehhhh too guilt-inducing. not on my first day."

day 2 of my diet: "huh. that's weird; i actually feel pretty good. it's healthy hungry!"

day 3 of my diet: "dammit i just want a snack i miss snacks remember snacks? those were good."

future predictions:

day 4: "the squirrels outside my window are starting to look pretty tasty"

day 5: "i. have. no. energy. this can't be good. maybe i'll skip kempo today."

day 6: "well i ate that donut yesterday... and the rest of that bag of chips today, but other than that i'm still doing okay."

day 7: "fuck it i'm ordering pizza."

for the record, i hate diets, and most of you would tell me i don't need one. but i'm starting to change shape and i don't like change. also, i want to up my muscle:fat ratio so i'm exercising a lot more. sitting in an office all day is really not good for nutritional or cardiovascular health-- and it's not just the obvious. i tend to get inert, and inexplicably exhausted, and don't want to do anything unless i force myself. and work + computers + snacks are a natural menage a trois-- eating out of boredom and all that.
ans99: (medikul mystereez)
so at our most recent session i mentioned to my therapist how i'm apparently a social retard, even if i abstractly "get" lots of things, including how people generally work-- i just miss these little cues, say the wrong things, don't anticipate the reactions i get, etc. don't relate to "the common man" or something. she thought that was tragic, since according to her i would probably get a 160 or higher if i ever took an iq test. she has this really... flattering impression of how smart and talented i'm supposed to be, which is nice but constantly makes me feel like a fraud.

the funny thing is that after all that, she's like "oh i know what book you'll like." and she goes to her shelf and hands me something by temple grandin about autism.

i don't know what to think about this. i just keep remembering the episode of house m.d. where he connected with the kid who had autism, and everyone thought maybe house was autistic. until one character (wilson) basically blurted out with "no, you're not autistic. you're just an ass."

sorry peoples, i can't hide behind autism. i'm just an ass.
ans99: (khef)
the search for a companion

yesterday we went to the sac spca shelter looking for rats and cats-- a rat as a companion for wilson and a cat because we both agree it's just time. finally. unfortunately we got there a half hour before closing and there was not enough time to drink in the cats and their personalities. also, they don't want to adopt out singleton rats, which makes sense but our wilsy could sure use someone. so we said we'd think about adopting a pair. it makes the most sense, because then when wilson dies we'll hopefully still have the two who'll have each other, and nobody will be alone. i guess i'm just worried about wilson getting ganged up on by the other two or something. and two rats having to be returned if things don't work out, as opposed to one. i know how to introduce them after being counseled a little, and really hope that they all just get along when we do this. i feel bad for waiting for more than two months to get this shit started. wilson seems to have bounced back and doesn't act depressed, which kinda enabled our procrastination-- but i can't be there for him all day anymore with my fulltime job, and i don't think interaction with me can really take the place of another rat who shares his space anyway, as rewarding as it seems to be for both of us.

music

today i got up early and actually practiced piano, which was an amazing feeling. i really need to do more of that. among my various twiddlings was figuring out optimal fingering for "chain reaction", original renditions of damien rice's "rootless tree" and amanda palmer's "have to drive", and slogging through this finger exercise book i got when i was 10 and have recently cracked open again to get up my finger strength and agility. i suppose it's not entirely amazing i lost much of my groove from my lapse in practicing, but it's similarly amazing how quickly it can come back if you've had enough training consistently through formative years. so i think if i just practice more i can improve and maybe get back to where i was when i was 14 and whizzing through "cristofori's dream."

at any rate, i'd at least like to be able to play the parts i *write* :/

free food and photo geeking

after that we jetted with aj to a free pasta buffet and wine tasting in shenandoah valley, which seems to be more like napa before napa was napa. it's beautiful out there, and the winery holding the buffet has some of the best wines i've ever tasted. wasn't a huge fan of their zins though, which is strange.

people have been asking me about why the buffet is free, how we heard about it, etc. ken's parents signed us up for the winery's club-- which, after tasting their wines, i have absolutely no problem with. one of the perks besides free tastings and discounts on bottles and cases is that they occasionally give their members free meals. the winery (toscana?) is super neat, and it even had keg tastings while we were there. keg tastings are apparently sneak previews of wines to come, so several of them weren't "done" yet, but to be honest they were pretty awesome already. we bought some port and a viognier.

on the way home i made ken stop a couple of times so i could take pictures. it's a lot of beautiful farmland up there. i am sure i looked like a total geek jogging down the road from the car to get a shot but i'm starting to care less and less as i age and become progressively less attractive anyway. fuck 'em, i like taking photos.

i'm not sure what the funniest part of the day was exactly-- whether it was pie in a jar, the kinda overly threatening "we can get to the fence in three seconds" beware of dog sign, aj's reaction to the chorus of "rootless tree" (a literal "WTF"), the people parked on the side of the road that we soon realized were there to couple-fight in the car rather than enjoy the scenery alongside us... so many moments. i love my friends.

polyethylene at last

after we dropped aj off at kdvs (and i had finished chasing squirrels with the camera) we went to lowe's to pick up *****!!!!!!Hooping Materials!!!!******-- i don't think i can express my excitement on that enough-- both finding the materials and the thought of getting started, yey! i was telling ken that i think this is the first thing i've been this obsessed about in a long while. since film editing maybe?

then we went out for a short run/crossfit workout. my arm is almost 100% but very obviously not, so i've been taking it easy with pullups and pushups, but i'm thinking of starting weights up again soon.


i've been playing with the gorillapod mike gave me, finally, and it is AMAZING. tonight i saw the moon and had to try it out, so there i was lying in the grass aiming the thing as people walked by staring at me from the sidewalk. it came out beautifully though, not a jiggle or a jostle. i love this thing.

i guess am a teacher (and you can too)?

thurs is my last drawing class of the quarter. i'm consistently amazed at the attrition rate of these things, especially this quarter where i've felt spread so thin that i haven't had time to do much more than read the notes i made last quarter when i rehauled the course syllabus a little. but then that syllabus was a labor of love, so maybe it's just... good the way it is? maybe it's good that i don't get a chance to think before i teach so that i can avoid getting stressed out? god, last quarter i remember the first class i taught while in the throes of a panic attack; that was something to experience for sure, although obviously not something i'd ever recommend.

one of ken's and my little rituals takes place after drawing class, when we go to burgers & brew for dinner. this pretty much started because it is the only decent thing open past ten on a thursday night, but i've really started to look forward to it. still, i'll be kind of glad to have my thursday nights open again until next quarter. i've been teaching at the cc but i haven't actually DONE anything in there yet, and that's kind of sad. i think there's only two weeks left; who's going to make that gary oldman shirt if not me???

"come to the faire!"

we're going to the maker's fair this weekend. i've never been, but it looks exciting, and also i'll see sara and karl and that'll be nice :)

when did my life get so busy? oh well; i guess i like it that way. doesn't give me time to get too miserable. someone once told me that one of the reasons i got so depressed might have something to do with boredom, and i'd believe it. it's so easy to forget about all the bad things in life when you're rushing around, but if you have too much downtime suddenly everything's all emo-town for some reason.

keep yourselves busy, folks, even if it's just staring at the moon or laughing at with your friends.
ans99: (Default)
and of course i forgot the main two reasons i was posting yesterday about my weekend. namely:

1) saturday was 3/14, so we enjoyed pie on Pi Day LOL math is for losers

2) while waiting for james to set up the camera in the cold parking garage on saturday, ken and i showed off by practicing a little impromptu low-level parkour, and i banged my shin on a vault. of course it still hasn't healed. there's a terrific bump and bruise. my first parkour injury!
ans99: (impressed)
green bean is even better than red bean.
ans99: (khef)
i spent most of new year's evefternoon cleaning my "art room," which i haven't done since i moved in. as stupid as it may sound, i'm a taurus, and i fit so many of the typical astrological personality checkboxes set up for that sign that it's quite obvious who and what i am, and where i lie on that arbitrary line. i love security, being pampered. i'm obsessed with money (particularly just enough to get me to that feeling of security) and material objects (you should see my collection of junk i've just picked up along the way of my life-- something tangible to serve as a placeholder for my memories is very important to me it seems). i get a lot of sore throats. and i love beauty. i need beautiful surroundings in order to operate to full capacity, to be inspired. and so in order to really feel "at home" and "right" i need to clean and organize.

this of course messes with my naturally cluttered nature. maybe this is why i get nothing done, or as little as possible, in my life. i could be doing so much more.

but anyway, i was cleaning and going through papers, and i happened upon a folder in my file cabinet that held all my old college syllabi, transcripts, scholarship notifications, and evaluations. first i found the ones from my first year of TAing and that familiar sense of shame and indignation washed over me. because it'd been so long since i'd last looked at these things, these little sheets of abject horror, i had been under the impression that it wasn't "as bad as i remembered." re-reading some of the things not only the students but one teacher in particular said about me-- i.e. my laziness, lack of empathy, ignorance, disorganization and inefficiency-- and then contrasting that with all the work i did and all the lesson plans i made for the discussion course i taught really made it clear to me how much i was shafted that second year of grad school in just about every way possible. no wonder i decided that it wasn't for me.

then i came across my letters of rec and course comments for my simon's rock classes and i almost cried. just about all of them really said the same thing, painted this picture of me that i just didn't understand until nearly twelve years later. "we wish she'd speak up more." "she's too serious." "she worries too much about her grades, most likely because she's trying to get into vet school." and then later on, things like "april has really blossomed." "she's written the best material in the class." and from my acting teacher, representing one branch i just entirely blew off because of fear i guess: "i hope she continues on this path."

i wish i had, lindsay. hopefully it's not too late.

this year i'm reminded of how i felt last summer, before it all came crashing down on me again in the forms of fear and obligation and worry and distraction. i feel like i'm on the brink of a new beginning. this year i resolve to no longer deny myself what i want. to not take some shitty job just because i think it's what i should be doing to occupy my time. i dare myself to, as neil gaiman wrote in my copy of american gods (thanks fluffy) and reiterated in his latest missive to his fans, "dream dangerously." to get in with the sharks, as kyle cassidy put it. to "do what i want and what i believe in," as shreve stockton said just a short time ago. she's right, by the way. these people, and many more, are all my heroes because they got out there and did what they wanted, and didn't stop to think about how to appease anyone. they just forged ahead.

for far too long in my life, i think, i assumed school was the only place i belonged, and i guess there are a lot of reasons. my parents pushed me hard gradewise. i didn't have many friends, and because i did so well in school teachers befriended me instead. schoolwork was not primarily a social thing, and i fucking excelled at it while shunning the things i really loved to do as "not a real job." intellectual property rights, combined with some sort of puritan ethic i'd picked up along the way and a sense of needing to change the world with my brain, made me nervous and reluctant to consider any form of art as a real career. i always had to be doing something "important" to be of any worth to the world, and sitting around making music all day or painting pictures or dancing just didn't count enough.

and besides all that there was a real fear that school was all i could really do well enough. in the very real, very fierce scramble to get to the top in middle and high school there was no margin for failure, no place but first in the class. therefore, in general if i tried something and initially failed at it, i gave it up. i hated playing games i knew i wouldn't win. i didn't want anyone to see that i was anything less than perfect at what i tried. i didn't want to be anything less than perfect. i remember jamie hutchinson sighing one day during an advising meeting with me and saying "i wish for once you could just let yourself get a D in something." at the time, setting my sights on vet school really did make it nearly impossible for me to understand. now i realize how little all that mattered.

i think i've rambled on enough about this. here's some other new year's resolutions:

i will )

i'm sure there's more, but i think that's a good start. note nowhere in there is "get a job." this is because i've tried that for a couple of months, with the only goal being to "get a job," and i've not had my heart in it. i keep coming back to the idea that i need to do what i love and try to craft employment out of that. when employers give you the run-around and actually lose your resume after calling about interviews the universe is trying to tell you something. luckily i have a means of financial support. the time is ripe. it's now or never.

christmas, by the way, was good. as good as can be expected, although a lot of family crap came up for me.

doings )

i also did a lot of thinking about 2003/4 compared to now, and what seems to make a lot of sense at the moment is that i grew up sort of ignored emotionally. no matter how much i complained it was laughed off, or completely disregarded, or misinterpreted in the most obtuse manner possible. so during that time when i was making a lot of lame enemies and losing a lot of new friends, i think it was one of the first times i ever was not allowed to get away with that shit. it was the first time that someone actually listened to what i was saying and, unfortunately, took it at face-value or worse. and i couldn't figure out why people were not allowing me my space to just say my piece and move on, but it was because for once what i was saying was actually affecting them. now, granted, they could have been a little less retarded about how they dealt with it, but i should have listened a little more, maybe cut them a little slack. not enough to be great friends with them, perhaps, but enough to have just let it go and realized that others can be just as sensitive as i can and that we all need to find ways to protect ourselves emotionally.

for new year's we took a cue from just about everyone else in the universe and stayed in, drank some good zinfandel, tried out the fireplace for the first time, and watched casino royale (and then later some discovery channel special on execution methods-- both of us were crushing over the same girl). i don't know what it was about 2008, but i think a great many of us just needed to rest after that soul-crushing year and just try to regain some semblance of inner peace.

hopefully that plan will last for longer than one night. happy new year. :)
ans99: (khef)
Haiku2 for freyja
three years and a long
dry summer i am right
now as it is i
@
Created by Grahame

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