ans99: (drama)
So I haven't been making any real LJ entries in some time, and I'm not really planning on making any more real LJ entries, because I've determined that only one or two people even seem to notice I've said anything here. And this is not a complaint, merely a notice that only one or two people are even going to read anyway, but I think it's about time I closed this thing up.

And I hate saying this knowing how many years I've been here (since 2001!) and how things were very very different in the past, when I felt more of a connection to so many of you and you know, that I wasn't such a ghost here I guess. When I felt what I said was interesting and mattered. But I haven't felt that way in quite some time. I guess it's the trend of the internet, or maybe I wasn't very good at keeping up with any of you, or I don't even know. It's not even so much that I feel I haven't been interesting-- this year I've produced some of the most interesting stuff of my life. I have a band now, and an album, and I'm starting to put a business together to sell my drawings and photographs, and those things are HUGE to me. Maybe not to you.

I have other journals, mainly for RP and fic, so I'm not leaving LJ forever. And I do want to keep some people here on my list so that I can keep up with your lives because as far as I know you aren't anywhere else with any regularity. So I guess not much is even changing. But if you're hanging on to my name in your friends list there's really no reason to pretend anymore. I give up. If you still want me to read your entries keep me on, but I won't be making any more and I'll probably be dropping a fair amount off my own reading list, because it's been at the point I can't keep up for several years now. And I don't think it's fair keeping up with some of you when my comments and posts go ignored. *shrug*

I don't like leaving on such a bitter, nothing note, but I feel sort of bitter and nothing today so I suppose it fits.

In closing, just so at least this entry can't be ignored:


Heh. Nobody ever said I wasn't a complete child.
ans99: (khef)
I just saw tonight one of the most beautiful episodes of Doctor Who. Since it just aired Saturday in the UK I suppose there are some spoilers, but I wouldn't be too worried since it is mainly a historical type episode and, like, everybody knows what happened to van Gogh. But still.

You really should go watch it )
ans99: (drama)
I feel like I haven't updated in a while and I guess I have a lot to say, although none of it is really all that good past about a month ago. So, fair warning that there is a whinefest ahead.

In fact the only really good thing I can think of is that music has been somewhat progressing. Although not the speed I'd prefer. We did an open mic back at the end of March that was .... thrilling. Successful. Everything I wanted from it we got. We networked, we didn't screw up, people loved the song. I had really high hopes.

BUT THEN: The first time I tripped )

So after that I just gave up on the codeine. That's my funny illness story. What's not so funny about that illness is that it took me two weeks to feel halfway normal, and even then I just barely got my singing range back last week. So, no open mics for us since.

The second time I tripped (not as funny) )

Oh but the news gets much worse.

and the consequential fallout )

So now I guess I'm fired from my part-time art teaching job, which I loved, and I feel like this is thinly veiled discrimination. Not sure what to do next. Part of me just wants to say screw it because it's not nearly the only problem going on in my life right now, and everything is slowly spiralling down the drain and I'm almost ready to say seriously that I want off this ride.

I don't even have a therapist anymore guys. Not to mention that the roleplay game I was enjoying so much issued me a reprimand on my birthday because someone apparently has it out for me and made up some bogus complaints that don't even make sense. And now with those three safe havens gone I sort of feel like I have nowhere to go. Doesn't help that I've been going crazier than usual and really need these things much more than I might have at another time. I dunno. Feels like everything is abandoning me the instant I find happiness with it. Maybe the universe just doesn't want me to be happy.

Sorry for the moping, lj but I'm sure the three of you that might read through all this will forgive me :/
ans99: (drama)
okay, here's something that's been bothering me a little.

you know, i've been trying lately to comment on your entries when i'm on that line of "should i say anything or should i just let it go?" sometimes i don't really have time to read your entries, or find them ... same old same old but if it is something important to you i feel an obligation, as someone who genuinely likes and cares about you, to read and if appropriate respond.

unfortunately this experiment has for the most part gone nowhere. it's to the point now where i am basically typing to a vacuum. at least that is the perspective from over here. so.

although some of you clamored for me to get back on lj i see little point in bothering to update here. if nobody reads it, what's the point, right? i might as well go back to the blog i was absolutely sure nobody would see, or go private only, and then i can write about the things that i censor here pretty much for the benefit of the handful of you i interact with.

you don't get to tell me, by the way, that it's something to do with shipping twitter, or writing too much, or not enough, or my posts being too short, or ugly, or long, or "intimidating." because you know what? your posts aren't exactly the new york times all the time either. because you know what? i ship them here so that you can read what i write other places. if that doesn't interest you, then ultimately i guess what i have to say doesn't either. because these are also things that i am saying. if you don't like the way i say things, or present myself, or think, then you probably don't like me either. so why keep pretending? even when i post art so few of you respond it makes me want to pick up a career as a grocery bagger and just give up on everything, because if that doesn't even move you... that's a piece of me.

besides, you give me enough qualifiers, i'm not going to hit upon the correct subject, or number of goddamn lines, or appearance of the posts, to entice you to be interested in what i have to say. it's pathetic, it's demeaning, it's not worth my time to keep trying to do so. if i were trying to sell you something it'd be a different story. i'm just trying to connect.

what i'm going to start doing i guess is reciprocating. and then we can all not read each other's posts and lj will implode due to self-induced irrelevance.

i have to say there is no blame here, no guilt-tripping. i go weeks without saying a word to anyone sometimes. but i'm noticing a trend. and i will happily do less work if the work doesn't even... produce any results.

none of you should feel obligated to be my friend, or even be friendly, to me, obviously. but i suppose if you don't, then you don't, and if you won't, then you won't, and i will consider you gone.*

*thanks ben folds

mix: LMTFA

May. 18th, 2009 01:42 am
ans99: (drama)
nine inch nails- echoplex
i'm safe in here, irrelevant
just like they said
my voice just echoes off these walls

and i just slowly fade away

you will never ever get to me in here

amanda palmer- creep
you're so fucking special.
i wish i was special.
but i'm a creep. i'm a weirdo. what the hell am i doing here?
i don't belong here.

amanda palmer- straight (with strings)
and I'm waiting for someone to shake me and say

hey bitch, don't quit
you're almost dead
don't give up now
make friends instead

kat flint- shadowboxing
Are we dancing or kicking at one another's heels?
Am I leading or reading you wrong?
The gloves are off and my nails are bitten down to the quick
I'm knocked out, my dear
And it's making me sick

tori amos- little amsterdam
but momma-- it wasn't my bullet

don't take me back to the range
i'm just coming out of a cell in my brain
girl, you got to know these days
which side you're on

aimee mann- i cannot get my head around it
I cannot get my head around it, baby
'Cause that's just not the way
You make me feel

leonard cohen- avalanche
When I am on a pedestal,
You did not raise me there.
Your laws do not compel me
To kneel grotesque and bare.
I myself am the pedestal
For this ugly hump at which you stare.

the dresden dolls- dirty business
to all the ones who hated me the most, a toast-
you really had me going for a second,
i was nervous
boy, am i the poster girl
for some suburban sickness!
better keep a healthy distance
now it's up to you, know what to do
it's pretty dirty business

gwen stefani- hollaback girl
let me hear you say this shit is bananas.

nine inch nails- piggy
hey pig, nothing's turning out the way i planned

nothing can stop me now, cause i don't care anymore.

damien rice- rootless tree
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around

bjork- declare independence
declare independence!
don't let them do that to you!

the arctic monkeys- perhaps vampires is a bit strong but...
cause all you people are vampires,
and all your stories are stale.

george michael- freedom '90
But today the way I play the game has got to change
Oh yeah
Now I'm gonna get myself happy

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I stopped the show
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone I forgot to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Don't think that I'll be back again
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

cake- sheep go to heaven
as soon as you're born you start dying, so you might as well have a good time.
sheep go to heaven. goats go to hell.

go to hell.
ans99: (medikul mystereez)
this weekend our camcorder broke again, and seems completely unfixable. unfortunately it broke during this month, which was supposed to be short-a-week. so that's disappointing, but at least it means we will be getting a newer, better camcorder that does not blow fuses while rewinding tapes (????)

then i kind of broke myself by trying a simple goddamn side vault over a bike rack, getting tripped up, and landing very hard on my left side on concrete. that was sunday, and i'm still in pain-- mostly from my left shoulder to my elbow. it feels like a muscle strain plus something else, and i'm worried there's some tendon pulling or something going on. hopefully no fractures anywhere, but it's a pretty chronic pain and there's not much i can do with the arm. so today i'm off from work because yesterday was Miserable Hell Day and i felt like i wanted to die every time i moved.

on saturday aj brought over tombstone, which i'd never seen. that is a pretty amazingly funny movie. first off, the mustaches are incredible and huge. kurt russell with a mustache will be my lj icon, if i can find some stills from this one particular scene. what i love most about big mustaches is that they end up being an exaggerated mirror of facial expressions, and there is this one part where kurt russell's character was lying down sad, and his mustache was this incredible droop, like a clown's sad face. epic.

john locke was also in this movie, and a yong billy bob thornton and the guy from terminator (easily the hottest bad guy). and val kilmer, whom i'm sort of predisposed to hate after the batman fiasco, but honestly this role (doc holliday) he managed to shine in. throughout the movie the character is dying from tuberculosis, but still manages to spout this hilarious snarky even toned dialogue. when he first came on i had no idea who he was and thought he was the villain, he was so chill. but no, just an incredibly badass good guy. thoroughly entertaining movie.

then we watched some of suzanne vega's videos from the 80's, with her commentary, which is really the only way to watch them because for a few of them you can tell she is so incredibly disappointed in how they turned out. and she'll comment derisively on the clothes and hair, and it's just really cute. makes me wish i'd kept my gloria estefan video collection :(

this weekend ken's parents visited. things seemed to go smoothly enough, and we ate at some pretty fantastic restaurants-- seasons, and that boat hotel in old sac. if i hadn't been in so much pain i would have enjoyed it more. it meant we missed house's season finale though, so avoiding the hotbed of apathetic spoilers until we do see it should be interesting.

the day i got injured, like right after, i rested while going on this used laptop ken refurbished for me (because he is awesome) and ran across [ profile] exquisitegeek's post about hula hooping. i hadn't realized what some people are doing with this, and it made me sad i was injured because i wanted to run right out then and buy a hula hoop. perhaps once i heal up.

oh, finally, i have had a twitter since the england trip last fall, but i'm actually starting to spend more time on it. i find it fascinating that a social networking site can turn even vaunted celebrities into ... well... us. and i don't mean "regular joes" like mario suggested-- i mean for all intents and purposes, giggly 20-somethings. i find it adorable. even trent reznor is on there, being all cute with rob sheridan and giving away free tickets to his concerts. brent spiner tells (extremely) short stories. stephen fry posts little audio challenges (guess who this is, guess what these people are saying, etc). neil gaiman and warren ellis just snark. dichen lachman twits while drunk. etc etc etc. although in a way it's a little dismaying, because they generally only interact with each other, it's nice to see them being able to keep up with their colleagues for once, and at the same time generally be able to keep their fans abreast of their doings and thoughts. it must be a really nice time for them, now this tool is available.

but anyway, yeah, i'm ans99 on twitter. add me if you're there!
ans99: (drama)
and now i know.

i keep hearing ""knives out"" on the radio in my car, and it is always near the end of a trip, coming back home. usually at its stressiest for me, because you never know what you're going to find when you come home.

well, isn't that right?

when this song comes on, it's funny, because i definitely get some sort of rush. a rush that calms. it's the same when i hear ""paranoid android"" or ""idioteque.""

music is my drug, it alters my brain chemicals.

i was driving home from wal-mart (yeah, i know, evil evil) and glimpsed two guys leaning over the incidental walkways/bikepaths above 93... just leaning over the fence looking at the cars below, talking speculatively

later i saw a few motorbikes at the side of the road, people checking out something or other, talking speculatively... even saw a motorbike family at one point, little blond ten-year-old-or-so kid with his finger in his mouth and a sassy little stare, waiting for mom and dad (or auntie and uncle i suppose) to finish up whatever they were doing and get him back on that fast machine

both times i got this incredible pang of sadness, jealousy, longing. i realize i don't have a life right now. i have no family, no tribe. not really. i feel as if i don't belong where i am right now, as if no one around me connects.

and i really yearn for fall. i know i'm going one of two places, boston or california. with any luck. and if i move to california, i know i'll have a life, i'll get to meet all of fluffy's friends and we'll get to go hiking and beaching and bike riding and i'll get to bring gidget along. and i know that if i move to boston i'll get to see jaQ and sara and nikki and andre and jules and countless other rockers, and while most of them may be a bit more casual than i would like, they do know me more than most, and i would feel safe secure loved there as well. and boston feels like a home to me. it does.

but right now, as it is, i feel lost and bored. my dad thinks it's due at least in part to me not finishing my thesis... he thinks once that is squared away i won't feel so between anymore

that's what it feels like, that's it, between, not any two ends in sight, just between is all i feel

maybe he's right. or maybe he's wrong and i'll always feel alone like this. i'll always feel like crying for no logical reason, and i'll always shun the people i should be embracing and vice versa. maybe my circuits have been reversed, my faucet heads have been switched, my wires have been crossed because of all the things i've let affect me.

i hope, i really hope, it's just the directionlessness of this summer, the nothing-to-do-but-work-and-hope thing that has me this way, that once i get something concrete to go on i can be myself again and really live.



ans99: (Default)

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