ans99: (medikul mystereez)
Every day feels like a battle. I have to will my body to do anything. Today I lay in bed for a good hour debating whether it was worth doing something about my stomach growling. Stuff like that.

I'm not sure how it got this bad. Things were good for a while. I was on Zoloft, I was feeling more confident. I was able to articulate what I wanted and I was able to be kind and patient. And then it all started falling apart again. I started reverting.

My depression has not been this bad for over a year, when I first started taking Zoloft. I've even done an increase in dose but nothing's really happened yet. The worst thing of course is that my life is not that awful, just... filled with nothing. I don't do anything with my day. I don't work toward any goals. I feel like nothing and nobody. My friends are there, and I know this logically, but not emotionally. They never seem to be there enough. I don't think it's humanly possible.

Today I looked up BPD and realized that I fit almost all of the symptoms eerily well. Rather than make me feel any more in control of anything, or hopeful that a different treatment might help me cope better, I just feel like I slid another dozen feet into this pit. I might never be able to climb out.

All days aren't bad. Sometimes I can actually appreciate what's going on around me, sometimes I can have fun, sometimes what I have at the moment is enough. But when I am not appreciative, when I am deep in one of these funks, it hits me with excruciating awful clarity that it isn't enough. That living for the few bright times in my life is not enough of a carrot for me to chase. And that's when things get scary. That's when my mind starts racing with anxiety and my head feels like it's going to explode from all the crazy and that's when I realize I'm not getting better.

There are situational things that have triggered me recently into this depressive state, sure. But even if these situational things resolve, which I don't think they will, they are built on patterns. These patterns have been repeating my entire life. I push people away and then I feel bitterly lonely. I expect constant adoration and attention or else I feel abandoned. I can't have a superficial relationship because at one point or another I can't hold the crazy in, I need to be understood. I need to be loved. And I need to feel like I really matter in someone's life. I don't want to be someone's superficial friend either.

I get angry, and despairing, and nihilistic and then that emotion pours outward because if I keep it to myself I will lose it completely. People accuse me of being aggressive, not seeing that what I'm really doing is beating myself to a pulp. Beating life to a pulp. Telling them to look at me, just bloody look at me, and understand that right now I am in mental anguish, that I don't expect them to fix it but I need them to listen. I need someone to get it. Because if nobody gets it I'm invisible. It's just one more part of me that screams into a void, or is swept under the rug, and I have to deal with it alone. It's killing me.
ans99: (drama)
In the art world, there is no good or bad. Let me just get that out there right up front. There are people out there who, it's pretty much universally agreed upon, make some amazing things. There are people out there who make some (universally agreed upon) truly awful things, as we have seen on wonderful sites like regretsy.

And then there are people who make some mediocre things, things that don't stand out or that are... halfway decent in some way but lacking in skill or execution. These are the people that either get no recognition for their work, or if they do it's because they've accumulated some measure of social esteem-- in other words, they have friends, and they're well-liked, and it doesn't matter how much their stuff sucks because people just want to like it. And they go on thinking that the stuff they do is okay-- and in the grand scheme it is, yes, but on an artistic or creative scale it is incredibly mediocre and just not valuable.

I am one of those people who does not get much feedback from what I do. And I know that most artists are incredibly down on their own work, never think it's good enough, can never get it to truly reflect its potential and what they saw living in their heads. But sometimes I have to wonder whether *I* am one of those mediocre artists-- bad, but not bad enough to be notorious. Just... bland and sadly lacking.

To be honest, artistically? I feel alone. I don't have a base of friends or cohorts to draw upon when I need feedback or when I have a specific question or problem concerning mechanics of this or that art form, or creative blocks, or any of that. Probably the closest I have is my RPing group, which is likely why I continue to do it. Any real connection art-wise has largely been found there.

After next week I'm taking some time off and trying again to set up something resembling an art career. But I have to tell you, guys, I'm flagging. I'm losing motivation. I need to fix this, and I don't know how. I want to make amazing things, I want to share my ideas with the world-- but nobody's listening. I dunno. Maybe I just have nothing worthwhile to say.
ans99: (drama)
I feel like I haven't updated in a while and I guess I have a lot to say, although none of it is really all that good past about a month ago. So, fair warning that there is a whinefest ahead.

In fact the only really good thing I can think of is that music has been somewhat progressing. Although not the speed I'd prefer. We did an open mic back at the end of March that was .... thrilling. Successful. Everything I wanted from it we got. We networked, we didn't screw up, people loved the song. I had really high hopes.

BUT THEN: The first time I tripped )

So after that I just gave up on the codeine. That's my funny illness story. What's not so funny about that illness is that it took me two weeks to feel halfway normal, and even then I just barely got my singing range back last week. So, no open mics for us since.

The second time I tripped (not as funny) )

Oh but the news gets much worse.

and the consequential fallout )

So now I guess I'm fired from my part-time art teaching job, which I loved, and I feel like this is thinly veiled discrimination. Not sure what to do next. Part of me just wants to say screw it because it's not nearly the only problem going on in my life right now, and everything is slowly spiralling down the drain and I'm almost ready to say seriously that I want off this ride.

I don't even have a therapist anymore guys. Not to mention that the roleplay game I was enjoying so much issued me a reprimand on my birthday because someone apparently has it out for me and made up some bogus complaints that don't even make sense. And now with those three safe havens gone I sort of feel like I have nowhere to go. Doesn't help that I've been going crazier than usual and really need these things much more than I might have at another time. I dunno. Feels like everything is abandoning me the instant I find happiness with it. Maybe the universe just doesn't want me to be happy.

Sorry for the moping, lj but I'm sure the three of you that might read through all this will forgive me :/
ans99: (Default)
I feel like my internet presence has been disjointed and confusing, so I've been trying to merge more things together. I'm going to run down a list of things I have to make it easier to follow what I've been up to. For those who have been playing the game to win, this list will (mostly) seem a bit redundant:

1. MUSIC

First off, my new band's sites. We've just bought a domain name:

http://www.neverrightnow.com

which right now just redirects to our BandCamp site:

http://neverrightnow.bandcamp.com

The BandCamp site has better quality streams of our music, and you can also download the songs we have up there (and when we have an album, it'll be available for download/purchase there).

We've also got a Myspace at:

http://myspace.com/neverrightnow

where we'll be posting songs and gigs (when we have 'em) and where you can friend us if you have a Myspace.

You can also become a fan of Never Right Now on Facebook:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Never-Right-Now/326417010926?ref=ts

For good measure we'll be uploading our songs and announcing gigs here as well. There's also the added community aspect of Facebook, because we get to post discussions and links, which I find so super neat.

We hope to get up an actual site soon at our new domain, with lyrics and bio/press kit stuff and blog links and such. In the works: a blog (probably Wordpress, Twitter, a spot at ReverbNation, and (once we begin to amass some video content), YouTube.

2. ART IN GENERAL

My nifty-difty (it's a word now that I've typed it) art blog is at:

http://ans99.wordpress.com/

And there is an LJ feed located at:

http://hieratic_art.livejournal.com

Here I'll post my photos, drawings, fanvids, writing, and of course any developments in the band or music in general. It's DEFINITELY worth following if you like what I do at all, because it'll probably all get mentioned and then linked from there.

I've also got Hieratic updates being crossposted automatically to Twitter.

3. TUMBLR

My Tumblog is at:

http://ans99.tumblr.com

I used to have to ship Twitter to LJ (which is apparently an incredible social faux pas) in order to bring my Tumblr posts to my friends list. Now I've created a direct LJ feed:

http://ans99tumblr.livejournal.com/

In my personal Tumblog, I reblog and post all sorts of things 'round the Internet that make me smile, weep, get angry, and, last but not least, think. It's a nice collection of what inspires me on the 'Net, but also of interesting tidbits from sources that might not make the mainstream news. I also tend to post pertinent updates from my other blogs when I remember.

In addition, because of all the inane book covers I run across in the course of my job (which at least in part has me putting up book reviews on a website), I created an additional Tumblr mocking said book covers:

http://wtfbookcovers.tumblr.com

The LJ feed is here:

http://wtfbookcovers.livejournal.com

Some of these seriously have to be seen to be believed.

4. TWITTER

My Twitter is at:

http://twitter.com/ans99

Twitter is kind of a dumping ground and I'm scared to go there much because with my day and my rampant Internet addiction as full blown as it already is, I really cannot keep up with what kind of sandwich Adam Savage ate for lunch or what Neil Gaiman said to Amanda Palmer over the phone. So this is not used for much more than notifying any readers of Tumblr posts, and now Hieratic posts, that I've made. OCCASIONALLY I will do an actual Tweet. Also our British cell phone has texting capabilities so when I go overseas I'll probably use it again for trip updates.

I think that's it.

OH. Before I forget:

If you have a site (for art, or writing, or whatever) and you'd like to be linked from any of my sites, please let me know. I'd love to include you. I'm especially interested in rebuilding the blogroll for Hieratic. Most of the links from Digitalis will be rolled over but I know some of you might have some new stuff you want to share.

****

So in other news, today I've got some sort of eyelid swelling going on. It's burny and obnoxious, and I don't want to go out in public. I woke up this way, so I'm not sure what happened. Took some Tavist, which did NOTHING, and applied an icepack to the eye. Nothing is really beating it too well though :(

Also, all my Neko Case arrived, as well as the Doctor Who 2009 specials. The Neko Case is of course awesome, and I've been listening to it all afternoon.

But the specials artwork... ugh. Ok, First off, not enough Master! I'm rather incensed that Wilf gets the other CD for End of Time (Doctor gets the other of course). WTF. The story is about TIME LORDS. Not some doofy old person who... well, maybe that's a spoiler. But he doesn't deserve the Master's place, that's for dang sure. He just got in the way the entire story!

Also, the inside cover art for it is just entirely too melodramatic:



Give me a flippin' break.
ans99: (drama)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

Suddenly, I found myself without you
One day, someday, you will be alone, too
For now, I see you walking down the street with him
And I will smell your breath on every gust of wind
Why do you do it to me?

The last time I went shopping
I bought your favorite kind of ice cream
It's still sitting in the freezer
It's screaming, "You still need her."
Why do you kiss so softly?

I love to watch you on the stage
You sing about love; you sing about rage
But your song is fading so fast
You didn't write this kiss to last
Why do you do it to me?

I can't help but notice the way you kiss her
It's so much like the way that you sing
You couldn't be any prouder
When you kiss me, kiss a little louder
Why do you kiss so softly?
ans99: (flerpy derpy doo)
so i'm home sick today and my head keeps spinning. so of course i figure this is the perfect time to make an lj entry since i've just slept for 4.5 hours and can't really sleep anymore. can't believe it's been almost two months since i made a proper update that nobody wants to read. see sophie, next to that 5 weeks is nothin'!

only trouble is it's been so long i can't remember what i was up to... so maybe i will start with major obvious stuff and then proceed in reverse.

rats )

our vacations are so much work )

kitsune )

this weekend )

last weekend )

this is probably a long enough entry. time to take my temperature, because it's either really hot in here or i have a fever.

yes, i totally just asked if it was hot in here or if it was just me.

*intentional misspelling; long story

apropos

Jul. 1st, 2009 06:58 pm
ans99: (khef)
this is my favorite song off tori's new album (which is, perhaps, surprisingly good-- i keep expecting her to bomb and she never does for me). i highly recommend you give it a listen. it's bringing up all sorts of things for me this week.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UAXe0FBWT0&fmt=18

ebony beauty
pass this shade
                                                                  ((the looking glass 
                                                                             reflects))


then a voice calls me back:
                                        --THIS IS JUST CIRCUMSTANCE.*
                                                 IT IS NOT PERSONAL.**--

((oh no,
it never is.))

then you ram your hand in your bag for a "Little Friendly Substance"

* by the time you're 25 they will say you've gone and blown it.
** by the time you're 35, i must confide, you will have
                            blown
                            them 
                             all.

right on cue, just act surprised when they invite you to take your curtain call  
                                        C HI N A'S
                                     ed            w
                                   mb                a
                                 li                    l
                           you  c                        l

i have done what i've done and it has the "Ultimate Consequence" then a voice calls me back:
                                    --THIS IS NOT BUSINESS. NO.
                                          IT'S MORE LIKE.
                                            SPIRITUAL.***--

is that what it is? Then you ram your hand in your bag for a little Protection * by the time you're 25 they will say you've gone and blown it. ** by the time you're 35 ((i must confide)) you will have blown them all. right on cue just act surprised when they invite you to tttt t tt . ta a a a k kk kkkk kkk k k kkke your "Curtain Call"***
     ebony
     beauty
     pass this shade
  ---------------------
     thelookingglass 
     refll
     ectsss
ans99: (whoops)
day 1 of my diet: "i really want to eat this donut. ehhhh too guilt-inducing. not on my first day."

day 2 of my diet: "huh. that's weird; i actually feel pretty good. it's healthy hungry!"

day 3 of my diet: "dammit i just want a snack i miss snacks remember snacks? those were good."

future predictions:

day 4: "the squirrels outside my window are starting to look pretty tasty"

day 5: "i. have. no. energy. this can't be good. maybe i'll skip kempo today."

day 6: "well i ate that donut yesterday... and the rest of that bag of chips today, but other than that i'm still doing okay."

day 7: "fuck it i'm ordering pizza."

for the record, i hate diets, and most of you would tell me i don't need one. but i'm starting to change shape and i don't like change. also, i want to up my muscle:fat ratio so i'm exercising a lot more. sitting in an office all day is really not good for nutritional or cardiovascular health-- and it's not just the obvious. i tend to get inert, and inexplicably exhausted, and don't want to do anything unless i force myself. and work + computers + snacks are a natural menage a trois-- eating out of boredom and all that.
ans99: (drama)
yoinked from sophie's tumblr is a link to a fantastic article about the portrayal of depression in literature, particularly children's literature. the writer, kit whitfield (whom i am now irrevocably in love with) explains what depression feels like so accurately i'm kind of crying as i read this because it is so horribly true:

Depression is, by its nature, a disease that makes its victims overreact to the world. Unless you give some serious justification for it in fiction, it's hard to portray well or sympathetically; the Wikipedia article on Sydney Carton, for instance, describes him as 'indulged in self-pity because of his wasted life', which is hardly sympathetic. But Carton's depression is mysterious: there's something wrong with him, but he can't say what, and in the absence of an explanation, it seems frustratingly incomprehensible that he'd be drinking away his potential and reject good advice and encouragement. From the outside, depression looks like an easy fix: just drop the moping and do what you need to do. Of course, saying that to someone in the throes is about as useful as telling someone autistic that they just need to be more sensitive to other people's feelings: it looks like won't, but it feels like can't. Depression is an implacable force - or at least, implacable to more or less everything except medical treatment - but the implacability comes from within, and from without, it looks like someone is doing it deliberately unless their illness happens to be tied to something that's easily understood. If it's not, then it baffles anyone who's fortunate enough to be unfamiliar with the effects. You need some way to make the baffling seem plausible, the mad seem believable.

this is the story of my life. this is the story of everything. thank you kit, and sophie.
ans99: (wtf)
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.....
the lady that plays the boss (liquid terminator) was on late night talk craig colbourn? about a week ago infering she was out of a job and heading back to scotland.


from here.

srsly?

guyz. do you realize we live in a world where there are some kids who have no idea who shirley manson is anymore?

i'm not so sure i want to live in this world.

also, "Garbage's Shirley Manson plays urinal in 'Terminator' TV show" is undoubtedly the best headline one could ever come up with pertaining to this subject.

lmao

Apr. 27th, 2009 03:50 pm
ans99: (drama)
my life is a fucking joke.
ans99: (drama)
it seems fairly ironic that ken and i just got back home after seeing "watchmen," a movie largely focusing on dealings with the criminal element, to find that someone made off with two of the goat/sheep skulls sitting on our front porch.

while i figure this was probably inevitable, i do have to wonder who would take 2/3 skulls from someone's front porch. obviously enough of an asshole to be of the mind to go "oh hey i like this thing someone else has so i'm just going to take it." enough of a scary asshole to not only take something right off of someone's front porch but apparently get close enough to scope the place first (the skulls are not very noticeable from the street or sidewalk). enough of a bizarre scary asshole to take NOTHING else, of any value (there's yard tools in the backyard and the garage, housing our bikes, was unlocked). not enough of an asshole to not see the inherent cool value of a skull, because they apparently refrained from smashing it anywhere near the house and did not disturb anything else breakable that i can see. a lucky bizarre scary asshole to have come by while we were gone, for the space of just three hours.

i just can't figure out who'd do this. are there any satanic rituals happening tonight in davis? wtf.

yeah yeah

Apr. 11th, 2009 03:36 am
ans99: (khef)
"I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow."

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October 2013

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