ans99: (drama)
So I haven't been making any real LJ entries in some time, and I'm not really planning on making any more real LJ entries, because I've determined that only one or two people even seem to notice I've said anything here. And this is not a complaint, merely a notice that only one or two people are even going to read anyway, but I think it's about time I closed this thing up.

And I hate saying this knowing how many years I've been here (since 2001!) and how things were very very different in the past, when I felt more of a connection to so many of you and you know, that I wasn't such a ghost here I guess. When I felt what I said was interesting and mattered. But I haven't felt that way in quite some time. I guess it's the trend of the internet, or maybe I wasn't very good at keeping up with any of you, or I don't even know. It's not even so much that I feel I haven't been interesting-- this year I've produced some of the most interesting stuff of my life. I have a band now, and an album, and I'm starting to put a business together to sell my drawings and photographs, and those things are HUGE to me. Maybe not to you.

I have other journals, mainly for RP and fic, so I'm not leaving LJ forever. And I do want to keep some people here on my list so that I can keep up with your lives because as far as I know you aren't anywhere else with any regularity. So I guess not much is even changing. But if you're hanging on to my name in your friends list there's really no reason to pretend anymore. I give up. If you still want me to read your entries keep me on, but I won't be making any more and I'll probably be dropping a fair amount off my own reading list, because it's been at the point I can't keep up for several years now. And I don't think it's fair keeping up with some of you when my comments and posts go ignored. *shrug*

I don't like leaving on such a bitter, nothing note, but I feel sort of bitter and nothing today so I suppose it fits.

In closing, just so at least this entry can't be ignored:

GOODBYE LIVEJOURNAL!

Heh. Nobody ever said I wasn't a complete child.
ans99: (drama)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

Suddenly, I found myself without you
One day, someday, you will be alone, too
For now, I see you walking down the street with him
And I will smell your breath on every gust of wind
Why do you do it to me?

The last time I went shopping
I bought your favorite kind of ice cream
It's still sitting in the freezer
It's screaming, "You still need her."
Why do you kiss so softly?

I love to watch you on the stage
You sing about love; you sing about rage
But your song is fading so fast
You didn't write this kiss to last
Why do you do it to me?

I can't help but notice the way you kiss her
It's so much like the way that you sing
You couldn't be any prouder
When you kiss me, kiss a little louder
Why do you kiss so softly?
ans99: (whoops)
wasn't that just our dear friend ron?
throwing your weight around the sun
happier now that you've become
what you hated

and if i don't understand?
i guess it takes all kinds.

apropos

Jul. 1st, 2009 06:58 pm
ans99: (khef)
this is my favorite song off tori's new album (which is, perhaps, surprisingly good-- i keep expecting her to bomb and she never does for me). i highly recommend you give it a listen. it's bringing up all sorts of things for me this week.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UAXe0FBWT0&fmt=18

ebony beauty
pass this shade
                                                                  ((the looking glass 
                                                                             reflects))


then a voice calls me back:
                                        --THIS IS JUST CIRCUMSTANCE.*
                                                 IT IS NOT PERSONAL.**--

((oh no,
it never is.))

then you ram your hand in your bag for a "Little Friendly Substance"

* by the time you're 25 they will say you've gone and blown it.
** by the time you're 35, i must confide, you will have
                            blown
                            them 
                             all.

right on cue, just act surprised when they invite you to take your curtain call  
                                        C HI N A'S
                                     ed            w
                                   mb                a
                                 li                    l
                           you  c                        l

i have done what i've done and it has the "Ultimate Consequence" then a voice calls me back:
                                    --THIS IS NOT BUSINESS. NO.
                                          IT'S MORE LIKE.
                                            SPIRITUAL.***--

is that what it is? Then you ram your hand in your bag for a little Protection * by the time you're 25 they will say you've gone and blown it. ** by the time you're 35 ((i must confide)) you will have blown them all. right on cue just act surprised when they invite you to tttt t tt . ta a a a k kk kkkk kkk k k kkke your "Curtain Call"***
     ebony
     beauty
     pass this shade
  ---------------------
     thelookingglass 
     refll
     ectsss

yeah yeah

Apr. 11th, 2009 03:36 am
ans99: (khef)
"I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow."
ans99: (flerpy derpy doo)
several things i've observed in the past few days:

1. nick cave is a total drama queen.

2. i think aaron eckhart looks ten shades sexier in his two-face makeup. also, i'm aware i'm the only one in the universe who thinks that, and that it probably easily lumps me in the "psychologically ill" category, but there you go.

3. peaches is sort of female trent reznor, in heat.

wilson's slowly adapting, i think, to life without house. i'm firmly in the denial stage, however, and i keep expecting him to be there when i open their cage. it's a pretty harsh reality check i keep smacking myself with.
ans99: (khef)
i've been pretty absent from lj for a little while. for the past few weeks i've been getting a movie storyboarded, filmed and edited for robotmedia (thanks so much to mario for his patience in coming back for filming over THREE NIGHTS-- we got him a cupcake from davis creamery and dinner at quiznos for his efforts). i've also been starting up at a new roleplaying game, which just opened. still working on my photography/sketch site. and wrapping up my drawing class, which just ended for the quarter. it went well.

and.

house died.



he went down so fast. we noticed he was slowing down, but it was pretty subtle. then he started peeing blood and we took him to the vet. although we tried valiantly all last week, giving him fluids and antibiotics, he just got worse and worse. on saturday we made an evening appointment to see what else we could do for him, and to put him down if there was nothing. not making improvements on meds is not a very good sign. but he died that afternoon and we buried him in the backyard.

the house is a little less lively now, and i'm worried about wilson. he's eating less and sleeping more, and when he's awake he seems distraught and panicky. we're probably going to have to try another companion with him. this saturday i plan to go to the animal shelters to see if there are any young male rats available.

don't feel bad for me. feel bad for him. he lost the friend he knew for half his life. :(
ans99: (drama)
i feel strangled by the weight of my desires. because i can't begin to articulate, or you've heard it all before, some stolen words bouncing around my head:

gotta get back to the bottom
the big come down, isn't that what you wanted?
find a place with the failed and forgotten
isn't that really what you wanted now?


Now when some of us hit this world
we hit it with our face
open up our mouths like a bulldozer
and start ripping up the place
but then others of us sneak in sideways
keeping one foot on the floor
bouncing in and out of life like a long bad dream
till we're never really sure
Is this me? is this my life?


is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside a book
small enough to cover with your hand
because everyone around you wants to look

is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside the cracks
the pieces don’t fit together so good
with all the breaking and all the gluing back

and i am still not getting what i want
i want to touch the back of your right arm
i wish you could remind me who i was
because every day i’m a little further off

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

and is it getting harder to pretend
that life goes on without you in the wake
and can you see the means without the end
in the random frantic action that we take

and is it getting easy not to care
despite the many rings around your name
it isn’t funny and it isn’t fair
you’ve traveled all this way and it’s the same

i would tell them anything to see you split the evening
but as you see i do not have an awful lot to tell
everybody’s sick for something that they can find fascinating
everyone but you
and even you aren’t feeling well

YES you are, my love, the astronaut
crashing in the name of science
just my luck they sent your upper half
it’s a very nice reminder
it’s a very nice reminder

(and you may be acquainted with the night
but i have seen the darkness in the day
and you must know it is a terrifying sight
because you and i are living the same way)


(( you've got a way with words
you've got a way that makes me feel so complicated
your message meets the floor
the horizon meets your horse and you're deliberating
i'm only clearing my throat
and don't you ever wish for just one thing you might never see?
don't you ever wish for just one thing you might never know?
you might never know ))

i'll be black as coal
i'll be cold as steel
i'll be all the things
you never wanted to feel

i'll be deepest pit
i'll be biggest fear
i'll be all the things
you never wanted to hear

i'll be far from home
i'll be without light
i'll be all the things
that come out and scare you at night


And I don't know why
It's so hard to consider this
I've reached up so many times
To find my hands full of emptiness
ans99: (drama)
and now i know.

i keep hearing ""knives out"" on the radio in my car, and it is always near the end of a trip, coming back home. usually at its stressiest for me, because you never know what you're going to find when you come home.

well, isn't that right?

when this song comes on, it's funny, because i definitely get some sort of rush. a rush that calms. it's the same when i hear ""paranoid android"" or ""idioteque.""

music is my drug, it alters my brain chemicals.

i was driving home from wal-mart (yeah, i know, evil evil) and glimpsed two guys leaning over the incidental walkways/bikepaths above 93... just leaning over the fence looking at the cars below, talking speculatively

later i saw a few motorbikes at the side of the road, people checking out something or other, talking speculatively... even saw a motorbike family at one point, little blond ten-year-old-or-so kid with his finger in his mouth and a sassy little stare, waiting for mom and dad (or auntie and uncle i suppose) to finish up whatever they were doing and get him back on that fast machine

both times i got this incredible pang of sadness, jealousy, longing. i realize i don't have a life right now. i have no family, no tribe. not really. i feel as if i don't belong where i am right now, as if no one around me connects.

and i really yearn for fall. i know i'm going one of two places, boston or california. with any luck. and if i move to california, i know i'll have a life, i'll get to meet all of fluffy's friends and we'll get to go hiking and beaching and bike riding and i'll get to bring gidget along. and i know that if i move to boston i'll get to see jaQ and sara and nikki and andre and jules and countless other rockers, and while most of them may be a bit more casual than i would like, they do know me more than most, and i would feel safe secure loved there as well. and boston feels like a home to me. it does.

but right now, as it is, i feel lost and bored. my dad thinks it's due at least in part to me not finishing my thesis... he thinks once that is squared away i won't feel so between anymore

that's what it feels like, that's it, between, not any two ends in sight, just between is all i feel

maybe he's right. or maybe he's wrong and i'll always feel alone like this. i'll always feel like crying for no logical reason, and i'll always shun the people i should be embracing and vice versa. maybe my circuits have been reversed, my faucet heads have been switched, my wires have been crossed because of all the things i've let affect me.

i hope, i really hope, it's just the directionlessness of this summer, the nothing-to-do-but-work-and-hope thing that has me this way, that once i get something concrete to go on i can be myself again and really live.


-7/01

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October 2013

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