ans99: (Default)
So this is really just a test post, to see if my dreamwidth account is properly synced to LJ. I said I wasn't leaving LJ so this is my compromise for now.


I think I've finally come to terms with the rain. The mere absence of the sun used to depress me beyond belief. And while it still has a tendency to make me more sluggish in the mornings and oversleep an atrocious amount, there's something so damned comforting about it. The world quietens, slows down, and life becomes about self-nurture. Right now I'm decompressing from a therapy session, listening to good music and contemplating my next task.

Without music I think I'd be lost. Not just because it's my current career choice, but because it soothes me, galvanizes me, and makes the world manageable. Even beautiful, sometimes. There was an article I reblogged in Tumblr a few days ago theorizing that some people get a prolactin rush when listening to 'sad' songs, for instance anything in a minor key. The feeling is supposed to be one of comfort, as if someone had their arms around you and was whispering to you that everything would be all right. I've never had anyone so accurately describe what happens in my brain before. It's like music itself takes me to its bosom and just... holds me there. Like when you learn how to float in water as a child and you realize you won't sink like a stone but it's going to actually hold you up. Something about that release is absolutely necessary. You're surrendering yourself to a connection with something much larger.

I feel a little bad for people who don't get this rush and only feel the pain of sad music. I wish I could explain to them that it's all going to be all right. Sometimes when people come up to me after a show and tell me that I've inspired them, I feel like I have sort of done that. It's my number one goal, even beyond all the ambitions of success and popularity and moneymaking. Just to know that what I did mattered to someone.

Forgive me for being so... urgh, I dunno, earthy and flowery or whatever. I'm just lately in a pretty good mood, thanks to my cave-in about anti-depressants. It's amazing the good one little pill every day can do, and I never imagined that I could recover quite this much. The high hasn't worn off all the way yet. I'm sure it will, though, never fear: people are already becoming much more annoying.

I've also been delving into my childhood a little and thinking about nurturing in general, the gentleness and emotional acknowledgment I never really received as a kid. Sometimes it's so hard to reconcile all of it, and the last few months have been a proper convalescing period for me. But I think I'm finally coming around to the idea that I need people, at least every once in a while. Annoying as they can be. And I shouldn't feel wretched about asking for or receiving support. I can maintain emotional independence even while socially or financially dependent. That's a big step for me.
ans99: (the master)
If you're going to play a character like, oh I don't know, maybe THE MASTER, what might really help you is learning to SPELL. Or even just use your spellcheck. It's right THERE. It even auto-underlines words that are misspelled as you type. Not that I've never misspelled anything in my life, but come on. He's the MASTER. He corrects others' GRAMMAR. I'm sure he'd know how to spell 'preferable'.

This is brought to you by, in parts, anal retentiveness honed from decades of academic-based competition, a severely fucked sleep cycle, two bottles of black currant cider I didn't even like much, an all-night marathon of Black Books, and, yes-- obscene amounts of bitterness due to rejection. Deal.
ans99: (two-face)
I want to play Two-Face somewhere again.

Preferably with castmates. Like a Rachel, just to mess with him.
ans99: (Default)
I just miss playing with my buddy :/

Sometimes it's really hard to even care about RP at all anymore when I think about all the friendships I've lost, merely by quitting a game here or there. Hardly anyone keeps in touch once you're gone from a game, and it is criminal. I'm lucky in that I have friends who have kept in touch, and also a really full life outside of all this.

But I still just feel so shitty about the ones I've lost. The ones, frankly, I thought were actually interested in me beyond how I play the Master. I guess they all have really full lives too. Can't blame 'em.


Jan. 2nd, 2011 01:53 am
ans99: (the master)
Hokay then.
ans99: (Default)

I love Penny Arcade.
ans99: (Default)
I can't even stand this. I haven't been able to write anything for the past... week? Two weeks? I'm not even sure. It sucks because I really really want to RP right now, but I just tried formulating a tag and it was bone-crunchingly excruciating. I couldn't even string two sentences together that made any sort of sense, and it was certainly not in the Master's voice. I haven't even been able to write songs lately. I'm just... stuck, man. Stuck. There's a bunch of different reasons-- lowered self-confidence due to my recent exits from some RPGs, dissatisfaction with RP and fandom in general, some medical stuff I'm dealing with right now, the season, relationships that seem to be going down the tubes...

Sooooo I'm not really looking for sympathy here, just wanted to give a heads-up and apologies to those I ought to be doing stuff with right now. In nearly three years of playing him I've never lost the Master's voice entirely, so this is a little scary, but I hope this phase goes away soon. I miss playing him, and I miss who I used to play with :(

Private RP

Dec. 10th, 2010 01:44 am
ans99: (Default)
Okay, anyone want to private rp at some point? I am bored out of my skull but less than impressed by games lately.
ans99: (Default)
Okay I'm done.


Nov. 20th, 2010 02:43 am
ans99: (the master)
I miss playing with people. I miss my games. I miss the CR I started and had to abandon. At the moment I just can't seem to drum up any interest from most of the people in my current game, and those that do tag seem so wary or inflexible and I'm so sick of trying to fit in and ingratiate myself. I envision another RP hiatus in my future pretty soon.

I wish I knew that magic formula that would let people trust me, and help me find the sort of players who actually want to plot and do interesting things. So many of the games I've tried to join just seem to want happy quirky tiems with their characters and most of the time I pick characters that just sort of... no. They're too intense, they want to hurt others, they don't socialize, they are rude. I even tried picking up a character once who wasn't quite as abrasive (though she was still a social retard, let's be honest) and I just got so bored trying to make nice. I want action and drama and life-altering shit, y'know? I can't do picnics and sex and parties on a regular basis. Like the Master, I kinda need meat.

It's gotten to the point that I really don't know what to do. I don't want to make a miserable time for anyone or make them get immediately on the defense, and I really hoped that this time around at least getting permissions out of the way right off the bat would help but I don't know. In my mind's eye I can see that fail comin' round the mountain when she comes and I just know it's only a matter of time before things go awry. As it is I already feel like my feeble attempts at CR have mostly gone nowhere, though I haven't even given the game a week. It's like I'm primed for failure now. I can't even muster up any optimism, and all I can do is try and know it's not enough.

I tried doing private rp, and it wasn't BAD but... I love panfandom. It's the way I was introduced to RP and I really ENJOY multicharacter plots and arcs, even if they inevitably seem to succumb to user error. Whether it be hiatus or miscommunication or some other dropping the ball.

But man, it's just really tough to feel like trouble already in your first week. And I do.

Maybe it was too soon to do this.
ans99: (Default)
I don't think I'm ever going to find an RPG where I feel like I belong. It seems like whenever I think I've finally done so I find out that people have been complaining about me. And the way I find that out? The very first, initial way? Is that I get a warning-- or in this case, a strike!-- from the mods. So awesome that I can't be asked about my intentions before it's just assumed I meant to be a total asshole who needs to be punished.

Part of it I think is just who I tend to play at these games. I look at other people who play the Master and wonder, even if they're having a good time, just how happy they really are underneath. Even if people are threading with them and things are going smoothly IC and look like tons of fun, who knows how many secret complaints they're getting from people who should really man up and come forward first and give the player a damn chance before throwing them to the wolves. Who knows how many strikes or warnings they've gotten. He is an incredibly hard character to play in any game, because he tends toward things that most people find abhorrent. He has no moral compass. People hate that.

I'm a writer, so I know how to throw away my moral compass when necessary. But I'm not an idiot (not in that way, at least), and it's not like I don't have one when it comes to others. To be accused of plotting marital rape, and then of threading abuse, when that was not my intent-- and then, after bringing that point up, to be told that yes, it was my intent and what I was doing-- is a total slap in the face. It makes me realize how many people actually LOOK at what I've done and judge it based on that alone, and how many people bring all their random preconceptions about me to the table first.

I expected better from the mods, at least. I always do. I don't know why I bother anymore, though.

I'd also like to know, really: since when is a strict, controlling single father with PTSD, 'abuse' that needs to have warnings? When there is no hint of violence or incest? And please don't tell me that her desire to please him, her remaining at home to take care of him with his psychological condition, or his kissing the top of her head is indicative absolutely of either of those things. You guys would make shitty profilers.

But anyway, it's not just about this. I wasn't fitting in there anyway. I can tell when people don't want to play with me. So guys, don't worry. The evil triggery asshole is leaving. I'll let you go back to your equally, if not more, questionable stuff that I would never just run to a mod about, because even though, yes, I've had a hard life and have suffered abuse?

At the end of the day I know it's just writing, and I can live and let live. Such a shame.
ans99: (the master)
But you know, the Master is the only one with enough :/ So I did two versions: Saxon and Wastey.

The Character Expression Meme

Character: The Master (Saxon)
Journal: [ profile] controlparadox
RPG: [ profile] taxonomites

.hurt..guilty..bored..laughing. love.

The Character Expression Meme

Character: The Master (Wastey)
Journal: [ profile] pawnofrassilon (but this account has most of the iconz atm)
RPG: none yet

.hurt..guilty..bored..laughing. love.

Snag yourself the coding here.
ans99: (drama)
So I haven't been making any real LJ entries in some time, and I'm not really planning on making any more real LJ entries, because I've determined that only one or two people even seem to notice I've said anything here. And this is not a complaint, merely a notice that only one or two people are even going to read anyway, but I think it's about time I closed this thing up.

And I hate saying this knowing how many years I've been here (since 2001!) and how things were very very different in the past, when I felt more of a connection to so many of you and you know, that I wasn't such a ghost here I guess. When I felt what I said was interesting and mattered. But I haven't felt that way in quite some time. I guess it's the trend of the internet, or maybe I wasn't very good at keeping up with any of you, or I don't even know. It's not even so much that I feel I haven't been interesting-- this year I've produced some of the most interesting stuff of my life. I have a band now, and an album, and I'm starting to put a business together to sell my drawings and photographs, and those things are HUGE to me. Maybe not to you.

I have other journals, mainly for RP and fic, so I'm not leaving LJ forever. And I do want to keep some people here on my list so that I can keep up with your lives because as far as I know you aren't anywhere else with any regularity. So I guess not much is even changing. But if you're hanging on to my name in your friends list there's really no reason to pretend anymore. I give up. If you still want me to read your entries keep me on, but I won't be making any more and I'll probably be dropping a fair amount off my own reading list, because it's been at the point I can't keep up for several years now. And I don't think it's fair keeping up with some of you when my comments and posts go ignored. *shrug*

I don't like leaving on such a bitter, nothing note, but I feel sort of bitter and nothing today so I suppose it fits.

In closing, just so at least this entry can't be ignored:


Heh. Nobody ever said I wasn't a complete child.


Sep. 5th, 2010 05:24 pm
ans99: (drama)
So I got a dreamwidth account. ans99. Now what?
ans99: (happy)

Public Service Announcement: First CD is out for my band, Never Right Now <3<3

Please Play Please is our official first release: a collection of demo versions of our songs. It features new mixes for CrabSong and Motel 6, as well as four brand new songs and an acoustic version of CrabSong!

Now downloadable from BandCamp for a minimum of $4 (sort of variant on the ‘pay what you want’ model). Streaming is of course always free, and you can listen to the entire album on BandCamp.

Everything was done ourselves- the writing, recording, mixing, etc. I did the cover art :)
ans99: (the master)
Title: Hello, Sweetie.
Author: Meeee (unfortunately)
Fandom: Doctor Who, set during "Silence in the Library" and "Forest of the Dead"
Characters: River Song, Tenth Doctor, the Master
Rating: PG
Summary: She never traveled with him in this body. There is no River Song. These are the places he's already been. With someone else.

[Author's note: The only River Song/Doctor fanfic I will ever write, trust me. I took some creative liberties with the dialogue and plot and didn't bother addressing her later appearance in Season 5, so it is a bit AU. Also this is a first draft and I still hate the ending. But I have been writing this for two years now and just want it DONE.]

When the Doctor is needed, she knows how to get his attention. She's always known. And as soon as she wakes up, she's ready. With rage and bile and spitting hatred, it's all still there. Still intact, a perhaps regrettably flawless process. She wakes with the instant knowledge that she needs to find him. She needs to hurt him.

How little changes. )
ans99: (Default)
ABILITIES: !!IMPORTANT!! Don't forget to also write down what the abilities will be like while functioning under the 30% limit. If you're unsure, just ask us!
The Master is a Time Lord, meaning he has some biological advantages over humans:

-Two hearts, two livers, probably two of a few other things, crazy-ass lungs IDEK
-Respiratory bypass system, meaning that it takes much longer to strangle him
-Colder internal body temperature (16 degrees Celsius/60 degrees Fahrenheit)
-Can choose whether alcohol affects him or not
-Superior senses (great night vision and hearing, able to perform more sophisticated chemical analyses via taste and smell)
-Superior reflexes (but he's easily distracted and I like it very much when he fails, so he probably will not be able to dodge your bullet a la The Matrix)
-Can regenerate upon "death", creating a new body/personality
-Able to go into a healing coma when severely injured
-Is more aware of the passage of time, can see possible futures, etc.

There are also some standard Time Lord telepathic abilities:
-Can sense other Time Lords (the existence of them is a constant presence in the back of his mind, and he also can tell whether or not the person standing in front of him is one). Sometimes this manifests as... sniffing for whatever reason, but I'm going with it being the same basic ability.
-Can 'mind meld' with people (Time Lords and humans alike) using tactile contact: can witness and/or wreak havoc with their memories and communicate telepathically.

Character-specific traits:

-Skilled hypnotist
-Due to the nature of his resurrection in The End of Time, the Master is constantly leaking artron energy, which he can harness as a projectile weapon by shooting bolts of it from his hands. Think "hadouken!" He can also... "fly" by using the energy blasts as a propulsion *facepalm*

Effects of the 30% Rule:

Because they are both Time Lords, I am going to go with what the Eleventh Doctor's mun has set up for reduction of Time Lord abilities:

-Sensing other Time Lords: The Master can still sense that Time Lords exist and all, but not who they are or specifically where they are. So, for example, if the Rani showed up in a new body he wouldn't necessarily be able to tell it was her. And he wouldn't be able to track the Doctor around Ceriu.
-Regeneration: Simply doesn't happen
-Healing coma: Non-functional
-Time sense: Still aware of the passage of time, and can still see possible futures, but can no longer tell which is most likely or which events are fixed.

In addition, for his character-specific traits I'd like to keep his energy blasts still functional in the interest of him being able to hunt and maintain his life-force, but they'll take a lot more out of him, and be much weaker, so he won't be able to use them quite as often and he won't be able to take down anything larger than a cat with the energy blasts alone. He also will not be able to "fly" (so sorry Master).

Time Lords in general are depicted as highly intelligent, but far too tied to tradition and hopelessly mired in a superiority complex. While the Master shares the intelligence and inflated ego, he also has a great desire to rule the universe and very flexible morals, and has been a renegade as long as we've known him. His character is meant to be a dark foil of the Doctor, and much of his time is split between actively antagonizing the Doctor and attempting to gain immortality and absolute power.

Not much is known about the Master's distant past, but we do know that he has an intense connection with the Doctor that goes far beyond their shared heritage. It's been mentioned in official canon that he and the Doctor were once friends and schoolmates. It does seem clear that the Master is emotionally dependent on the Doctor and obsessively focused on him, despite (or more likely causing) their numerous and intense conflicts. At one point in “The Five Doctors” he even admits that “A cosmos without the Doctor scarcely bears thinking about.” Although the Master is usually committed to his own survival, he chooses to not regenerate after being fatally shot in “Last of the Time Lords” because he knows it will crush the Doctor. He also tends to pick on humans, mostly because they are the Doctor's favorite species. In "The End of Time" he replaces the human race with copies of himself, which at first seems to be mainly an intentional perversion of every thing the Doctor loves about humans (their uniqueness, their ability to survive, their capacity for individual thought, and so on). It is revealed throughout the series that the Master’s greatest fears include the Doctor laughing at him and looming larger than life above him. Judging by his reaction in “Last of the Time Lords,” he also cannot stand the idea of the Doctor forgiving him.

Because the Master is meant to be the Doctor’s nemesis in the series, his personality usually mirrors that of the Doctor’s. This incarnation is no exception; like the Tenth Doctor, the Master has a bizarre sense of humor and often seems less refined and more manic than his previous selves. He broadcasts songs from Rogue Traders and the Scissor Sisters during his reign on Earth, in one notable scene dancing and singing along. He also tends to act affably daft when interacting with the humans he despises so much; he gives the double thumbs-up to the Cabinet as he brutally gasses them in “Sound of Drums", and allows the Naismiths to parade him around in a collar, leash and straitjacket in "The End of Time".

It is hard to deny that the Master has always been insane. However, his most recent incarnation seems even more unhinged than ever. He is plagued by an auditory hallucination in the form of a drumbeat, which he claims he acquired while looking into the Time Vortex as a child. Although we know now they were a signal implanted by the Time Lords so that the Master could rescue them from the Time Lock, he believes at first that these drums are calling him to war. So naturally, he has plans to declare war on the entire universe, as well as erect a new Time Lord empire. While on the surface this seems pretty characteristic of the Master’s grandiose plans, his strange whims, violent mood swings and nonsensical back-up plans (blowing himself up and/or refusing to regenerate) make them seem much less cohesive than before.

In "End of Time" he's become even more desperate due to the fragile, doomed state of his resurrected body. He also complains that the drums in his head are louder or 'closer' than before, probably because the Time Lords are very shortly due to arrive. Gone are the fancy suits, frivolous luxuries and meticulous mannerisms-- the Master has to eat near-continuously to replenish his life force, and the simple act of survival takes up a great deal of his time. He now wears a grubby black hoodie and black trousers that are too big for him, and appears dirty and dishevelled. It's as if his new, restructured priorities have broken him in some fundamental way; here's the most superior being in the universe forced to behave like a wild animal. The frustration of it all tends him to be even more emotionally volatile, succumbing to fits of hysterical laughter, extreme rage, and wistful indulgence with a much higher frequency. Twice, right in the middle of a confrontation with the Doctor, he stops to reminisce about Gallifrey, and actually tears up several times throughout the story: when the Doctor tells him he could be beautiful, when he's begging Rassilon to let him ascend with the Time Lords, and when the Doctor is threatening to kill him.

Even with his increased weakness, the Master is still extremely proud. When he's in charge of the world again, he doesn't even bother to change his clothes. It's possible that he's putting on a new cloak, so to speak, coping with his disadvantages by pretending they are what make him superior. In other words, being king of the predators is still being king. When he talks about looking in to the Time Vortex or when he faces off against Rassilon, there is a similar sense of being insanely angry at the abuse he's suffered and at the same time strangely proud of his heritage and the fact that few others can claim it.

He believes that he is the only one allowed or qualified to be in control. And really, who wouldn't? The drums chose him, just as the Time Lords had chosen to resurrect him for the Time War. When the Doctor suggests that he wants to take the Master on as a companion in order to keep an eye on him, the Master indignantly sputters, “You’re just going to keep me?” This reaction is quite interesting given that the Master “kept” the Doctor for a year as little more than a pet or punching bag. The Master clearly gives himself privileges or passes he feels the rest of the universe should be denied— even if they are fellow Time Lords. This may explain why he also characteristically works alone and has taken on significantly fewer “companions” than the Doctor. Given that his lackeys tend to sour his plans, either accidentally or via intentional betrayal, this seems wise.

The Master’s sense of superiority and delusions of grandeur often lead him to underestimate the worth and ability of others. He sees other species, humans particularly, as inferior, primitive, and childlike, and has no compunction about slaughtering them if it will suit his purposes. It also leads to him making some fatal mistakes. He nearly destroys the universe in “Logopolis” because he fails to understand or respect the function of the Logopolitan mathematicians. He can't seem to help divulging his plans just so that he can gloat and possibly win the Doctor's approval. In “Last of the Time Lords” the Master insists on keeping the Doctor close in order to lord over him, for all appearances fails to seriously pursue the escaped Martha Jones, and never considers the potential of human minds to subvert his psychic satellite network. In "The End of Time" he shows off his "Master Race" to Rassilon, threatens to do the same to the Time Lords, and seems shocked when Rassilon quite easily reverses what he's done.

Despite his superiority complex, the Master is ultimately a coward. After being resurrected by the Time Lords to fight in the Time War, he chooses to flee instead, going so far as to alter his DNA and become human (“Utopia,” “Sound of Drums”). He’s often seen running away when his plans go awry. He's also an opportunist though, and in both "Sound of Drums" and "The End of Time" he's thrown into an environment where he starts out with almost nothing and has to improvise a plan to scramble back on top (successfully, in both cases). His opportunism is really showcased most effectively with his takeover of Naismith's 'Immortality Gate' in "The End of Time"; he's brought in as a prisoner to fix the device, and ends up co-opting it for his own use with hardly any effort at all. And near the end of the story, witness how he switches sides without shame- first attempting to ingratiate himself to Rassilon and steps away from begging for his acceptance... and then when the Doctor has the upper hand, hissing in his ear that he should destroy Rassilon and take over the universe.

The Master’s obsessive nature and desire for power lead him to be something of a control freak. He is a skilled hypnotist, and in "The Sound of Drums" he hypnotizes most of England into electing him Prime Minister in a bid to bring the entire Earth under his power, creating an almost Orwellian dystopia complete with invasive surveillance and tight control over civilian movement and media outlets. He keeps the Doctor, Jack Harkness, and Martha Jones’ family on board his airship as slaves and prisoners. To further the humiliation, the Doctor is aged dramatically and kept in a doghouse and later a cage, while the Jones women are forced to wear maid outfits. In "The End of Time" he goes even further, controlling the Earth via his 'Master Race'. Meanwhile, he keeps the Doctor lashed up to that decidedly kinky bondage chair.

Because of his need to control everything, he makes for a pretty sore loser. He throws the equivalent of a tantrum when the Doctor escapes him in "Castrovalva", and attempts to knife the Doctor while his back is turned just because he lost to him in a swordfight in "The Sea Devils". When his plans are foiled in "Last of the Time Lords", he breaks down in tears while cowering from the Doctor, then attempts to escape and threatens to blow up the planet he’s currently standing on, just so the Doctor can’t have it. In "End of Time" he is practically foaming at the mouth when he learns Donna has escaped being converted into another Master, and spends some time trying to track her down and capture her. And of course then there's the Master's predictable complaint of "That's not fair!" whenever he is defeated.
ans99: (drama)
In the art world, there is no good or bad. Let me just get that out there right up front. There are people out there who, it's pretty much universally agreed upon, make some amazing things. There are people out there who make some (universally agreed upon) truly awful things, as we have seen on wonderful sites like regretsy.

And then there are people who make some mediocre things, things that don't stand out or that are... halfway decent in some way but lacking in skill or execution. These are the people that either get no recognition for their work, or if they do it's because they've accumulated some measure of social esteem-- in other words, they have friends, and they're well-liked, and it doesn't matter how much their stuff sucks because people just want to like it. And they go on thinking that the stuff they do is okay-- and in the grand scheme it is, yes, but on an artistic or creative scale it is incredibly mediocre and just not valuable.

I am one of those people who does not get much feedback from what I do. And I know that most artists are incredibly down on their own work, never think it's good enough, can never get it to truly reflect its potential and what they saw living in their heads. But sometimes I have to wonder whether *I* am one of those mediocre artists-- bad, but not bad enough to be notorious. Just... bland and sadly lacking.

To be honest, artistically? I feel alone. I don't have a base of friends or cohorts to draw upon when I need feedback or when I have a specific question or problem concerning mechanics of this or that art form, or creative blocks, or any of that. Probably the closest I have is my RPing group, which is likely why I continue to do it. Any real connection art-wise has largely been found there.

After next week I'm taking some time off and trying again to set up something resembling an art career. But I have to tell you, guys, I'm flagging. I'm losing motivation. I need to fix this, and I don't know how. I want to make amazing things, I want to share my ideas with the world-- but nobody's listening. I dunno. Maybe I just have nothing worthwhile to say.
ans99: (khef)
I just saw tonight one of the most beautiful episodes of Doctor Who. Since it just aired Saturday in the UK I suppose there are some spoilers, but I wouldn't be too worried since it is mainly a historical type episode and, like, everybody knows what happened to van Gogh. But still.

You really should go watch it )


ans99: (Default)

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